I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
- Lily Tomlin

It was hard coming up with when to start this story. I mean, you can’t start at the beginning, because everyone knows the whole birth thing, and although it’s gory, it’s not too interesting, and kind of gross. You can’t work backwards because it gets confusing. So oh well, here it goes. I’m choosing to throw you (nicely, of course) into my old life, more specifically, the start of my eighth grade year.

“I think one of the biggest problems today is teens having sex too early.”

The response was immediate, and looking back now, way too predictable.

“You’re kidding, right? That’s not a problem, it’s a solution to problems,” said Tom Lawrence, a freshman, and a smart ass.

“I think it is! I mean, honestly,” I started.

“Kelly has a point, you guys,” my teacher Mr. Deine started. “After all, the assignment was to find a problem in the community, and figure out a way to fix it. This is her topic, so be respectful, you guys.” He was trying to be fair, but it was a joke. He thought my idea was a joke. I didn’t give a crap. This was my cause, and I wasn’t going down without a bit of a fight.

“She’s just jealous,” said Brad Banner, a rather handsome jerk of a freshman who nearly everyone considered a god among mere mortals. I, on the other hand, called him a loser with long hair, the first day I met him. “She just hasn’t gotten any. Now,” he said, looking around at everyone, like Caesar addressing the masses, “why should we suffer because of Kelly’s virginity?”

“Hey!” I yelled defensively, “Who said I was a virgin?”

Brad and Tom raised their eyebrows at me. Oh, hell, who was I kidding? Yes, I was a virgin, ok? I was a rather busty, shy eighth grader who had long, wavy red hair. I also had a rather large mouth when it came to being a pain in someone’s ass. I almost miss that part of me now.

“I think it’s a good idea,” said Sandy Bowman, a devout Christian, and sworn virgin till marriage, the ring, and the Ken-like husband. Great, so I had the religious sector with me, and the support of the middle-aged, balding teacher versus the cool freshman boys, and the masses. This was like the Titanic. Someone thought it was totally unsinkable, and they were so wrong. I appreciated Sandy’s support, but I didn’t need the halo around the idea. I just thought it was a good idea.

Let me back up just a little bit. Or better yet, I’ll pause it, like in the movies where the narrator says some bit of crucial information, or something comical. Ok, my friend Keith had come out and told me he wasn’t a virgin the week prior. Being the total snob that I was, I practically yelled at him, and told him he did something horrible. I hadn’t talked to him in days, and it fueled my Journey class project, which had to do with problems in the community.

Journey was like Talented and Gifted, only we actually did things in our class, like take New York Time crosswords, and discuss world history. Seventh graders, as well as ninth graders, and eighth graders took a test to determine their aptitude or whatever, and they ended up here. Blended together, seventh graders were expected to produce a higher work ethic of that of ninth graders. Consequently, however, ninth graders ended up acting more like seventh graders the majority of the time.

“I think it’s cool too,” said Jenny, another Christian girl, but in my grade. Man, did this all have to do with religion? I wasn’t religious. I had gone to church a few times, but hated every second. Enough of that later, though. I was not only losing momentum on the idea, I was crashing and burning like Air Force One meets Backdraft and Dante’s Peak. Why did I seem to think that this idea would be totally accepted?

“You guys would, I mean, come on, seriously,” said Brad, getting frustrated. “This is crap. Sex is a great thing. Personally, it’s what brings us back to our primal instincts and makes designers create short skirts.” The class laughed. “I see absolutely no problem with it,” he reasoned, slouching in his desk, stretching his arms luxuriously and letting that gross bleached hair fall in his eyes. “I mean, if you do it right,” he looked at me with a smirk, “it should feel pretty damn good.” I scowled at him.

“How would you know? I didn’t know the female sex had gotten so desperate, Brad.” Everyone laughed, but I was dead serious. He was such an asshole!

Mr. Deine almost chuckled, and I hated him for it. This sucked, no pun intended. Even the seventh graders started to snicker. Nearly everyone was laughing at me! I hated this class. I hated that people thought that Brad and Tom were gods. I hated Mr. Deine’s bald spot, and Sandy’s religious affiliation. It all bugged me.

The class held the discussion about my topic for quite some time afterwards, but I stayed silent, for once. They were going to pound on it, and I didn’t care anymore. I was outnumbered already. Slumping into my desk, I took out a book, and read until the end of the period, meek, and embarrassed. The rest of the day I stayed pretty quiet.

I could never love where I could not respect.
-Charlotte Elizabeth Aissé

He was stunning. He was absolutely drop-dead gorgeous. His name was Erik Midgard, and even the exotic Norwegian spelling of his name threw me into a lust. He was a twenty-three year old babe, straight out of college, and unfortunately for me, he was also my third period Earth Science teacher. I never had a chance. He had silky short brown hair, and puppy-dog brown eyes. He would look at me, and like a deer in headlights I’d become transfixed, and unable to talk or move. He usually wore collared shirts, with the top button open, revealing a hint of a white undershirt, and a pooka shell necklace. He was between 5’7” and 5’9”, and perfect, in my opinion. He would wear khakis on the bottom usually, and his butt, well….it was nice, and that’s the most appropriate thing I can say, if he ever reads this. Anyways, he was gorgeous, and totally out of my league.

His classroom was on the second floor of my three-story school. I usually got there before anyone else, and for a few golden minutes it would be just me and him there. He would usually be hanging a poster, or working on the computer, or setting up a lab. He would say, “Hey there, Kelly,” as nicely as he could, and I’d usually ask if I could help him with something.

Today, he was sitting on my desk, writing something on a poster. My heart flew straight up, and the butterflies sneaked from my stomach to my legs, as I wobbly stepped into the room. The fleeting thought that he knowingly sat there made me feel rather dizzy.

“Morning, Mr. Midgard,” I managed to say.

“Good Morning, Kelly. Is it cold out there?” He knew from my big mouth earlier in the year that my second period was Drama class, deep in the basement of the school. To get there I always had to walk outside, and up some stairs to avoid the crowded hallways. I flushed.

“A little. It’s warmer in here, though,” I said. My sentence suddenly seemed sexual, flirtatious, and rather inappropriate. I hadn’t meant it that way. He smiled, still writing on the poster, avoiding my gaze.

“People always forget to write their names,” he said, amused, scrawling surnames into the top corner.

“Oh….Um….Mr. Migard?” I asked tentatively.

“Yes?”

“Are you going to be chaperoning the Halloween Dance? Someone said you were.” I blushed at the lie. No one had said so, I had hoped for it. Perhaps he knew this.

He thought for a moment, and then looked up at me. “I don’t know. It’s a few weeks away yet,” he said reasonably. I was such a dork for thinking ahead.

“Right,” I agreed meekly.

“Do you want me to go?” he asked, smirking sexily, but with inquiring eyes, now looking at me. He always acted curious. He was never invasive, but curious. It was what made him a good teacher.

“Well, I….um…I mean, it’s one of the best dances of the year,” I said, ignoring his gaze. “Mr. Y usually does the DJ stuff.”

“Uh-huh,” he said, looking over the poster again. “Hey, Kelly, can you grab some pushpins from the bin on my desk? It’s the blue one.” I was already at his desk, and I already knew exactly which bin he was talking about. I saw out of the corner of my, him smiling and chuckling slightly, as he slipped off my desk and into the corner of the room. At least my ridiculous crush was entertaining to him, I thought smiling slightly. I came back with four pushpins, and handed them up to him, as he was on a step-ladder now.

“So, do you like my class so far?” he asked, after the second pin. He was being conversational today, and it brought a smile to my face, that continued into my next wobbly sentence.

“Of course! I mean, science is my favorite subject anyways,” I said, passing the third pin up to him. Even though it was true, it seemed like the wrong thing to say in front of him. Could I ever say anything that wasn’t totally juvenile and lame?

“I’m glad,” he said sincerely, pushing the third pin into place. The pin stayed in for a second, and then fell. “Oh. Sorry, can you get that for me, Kelly?” he said absently.

“Sure,” I eagerly replied. Looking down, I froze. The pin had landed behind the step ladder. To get it I would have to bend over, and get very near to his bum. He didn’t see where it had landed. I shivered slightly, and did so. I was so nervous that I pricked my finger with the pin, causing it to bleed slightly. Wiping off the blood I handed it to him. The pain in my finger had eliminated my desire to be close to him.

“Thanks,” he said, pushing the third pin in.

“Hey everybody,” said Matilda, walking into the room, with a swing of her hair. Matilda was a friend of mine, and the cousin of my ex-boyfriend David. She didn’t have a crush on Midgard like I did, but she was usually the second student there.

“Oh, hey there Matilda,” Mr. Midgard said, pushing the final pin into place. “How are you today?”

“Oh, just fine. What are we doing today?” She asked him. It was always this joke between us. She knew I wanted him, and the word “doing” always brought color to my cheeks when she asked. She gave me a sideways glance, and I giggled a little.

He climbed down the step ladder. “Oh, we’ve got a movie to watch today on tornadoes. It’s pretty cool.”

The rest of that day went ok. My friend Keith rode my bus. In the afternoons I would usually sit by him, as our stops were close. These days I sat alone, and he did too. We hadn’t spoken in days. I missed him, but for some odd reason, I was very mad at him. Those rides home were long and dull.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
- Edgar Wallace

A week later I got up as usual, and went to school as usual. It was Tuesday, meaning I only had periods one through four. Trudging up to my first period math class, (I’ve always hated math), the day started off normal. In drama class for second period, Mr. Y was having us do some fun stuff. Third period rolled around, and Midgard was just as gorgeous as usual. I dreaded fourth period Journey class for the day.

When fourth period rolled around, my Journey class seemed to be cluing in my crush Matt Pennit on what my project was about. When I entered the room, the group of boys around Matt seemed to eye me a little, and stayed quiet. I looked into Matt’s eyes, and they were kind, and sort of pitying. I looked away, not wanting to be known as the advocate for purity. Sitting low in my desk, the class began. Matt tried in vain to catch my eye, wanting to talk to me, as he sat only one row over. Usually I would have been thrilled for him to do something like that. He was very good-looking, with sort of a brown fro, despite the fact he was half Korean. His skin was the color of dark caramel, with brown eyes to match. He had very white, straight teeth, and a funny chuckle when he laughed. Today, however, I ignored him a little. Later on in the class he actually came up to me and asked for a word after class was over. I couldn’t really say no.

When the bell rang I hurried off to my bus, forgetting about Matt until he grabbed my arm. He was smiling down at me, the white teeth glittering slightly. “You ok? Josh and Tom told me you got a hard time after you discussed your project.” His eyes were kind, like he was apologizing.

I softened towards him a little. “They did,” I admitted. “I thought it was a good idea at the time.”

“It is!” Matt heartily agreed. “I’m so sick of everyone talking about it. It ruins the whole purpose of something that’s supposed to be private. Now it’s like it’s a bragging right for people like Josh and Tom. Don’t listen to them.”

“But they’re not virgins,” I muttered.

“So?” he asked, shrugging. “Losing your virginity isn’t some sort of competition. It happens whenever for anybody. People like them are a good advertisement for not having sex.”

We stood outside in the cool September breeze for a minute. “Have you….?” I asked uneasily. It wasn’t any of my business, but I wanted to at least ask. My eyebrows raised up hopefully.

“No,” he said seriously, looking into my eyes, “I haven’t. Who knows when it’s going to happen, either?” he said shrugging. He smiled at me. “Let me walk you to your bus.” I smiled back, and we walked together up the school steps to the buses. When I was about to get on, he whispered into my ear, “I thought it was a good idea.”

The idea didn’t seem so stupid after all, as I climbed onto the bus, watching him walk away.

The second I got off my bus that afternoon, I couldn’t stop smiling while walking home: Matt had whispered into my ear. For a dork with a lousy idea, maybe I was doing ok.

Soon, it was the second week of October. There was a slight chill in the air now, although the skies remained clear and cloudless. Leaves from the trees were starting to litter the ground, and every angle of Port Trees looked like a postcard. Classes in school were becoming more difficult, and Halloween was approaching. As I walked down the hill to my mom’s four-plex, I shivered slightly, feeling chilly but altogether happy. Fall was my second favorite time of year.

That night mom and I drove over to my new step-dad’s place. We were moving in although they hadn’t gotten married yet. Every few nights since September we would spend the night there for a few days, then drive the ten miles back to our four-plex. That night I stayed in my bare room listening to music mostly. I didn’t really approve of my mom’s new marriage. The guy seemed kind of odd to me. I liked our little apartment better, when it was just us girls. Falling asleep, I knew that I’d have to get up earlier for mom to make the commute to take me the ten miles to get to school the next morning.

The next day, something unexpected happened. I hadn’t woke up that morning and hoped to fall in an ice bucket in front of Midgard, but it happened nonetheless.