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A/N: This was a secret santa present for my housemate, Paul Ferrett. It features all 12 of my housemates, including me, and has a few in-jokes and a very strange ending.
The only thing that could possibly spoil his festive mood as he sipped sherry and breathed in the scented oils from the foamy water would be a call from HQ, summoning him on some crazy Christmas-themed mission. It was a good thing that’s he’d had the presence of mind to leave his wristwatch in the drawing room so that they couldn’t possibly contact him.
This was exactly what was on his mind when the noisy drone of a helicopter cut through his thoughts like a knife cutting through a roast turkey. Agent Ferrett barely had time to climb out of the Jacuzzi, wrap a fluffy pink towel around his waist and wonder what the devil was happening before he heard the thump of the ‘copter landing on his roof, followed by a sudden silence as the engine went dead and the rotor blades slowed, then stopped. It wasn’t long before an entire S.W.A.T team armed with shotguns swung into his conservatory, crashing through the glass and making a mess all over his expensive fur rug.
The cleaning bill would be astronomical, but this was not Agent Ferrett’s main concern as he dived behind the Jacuzzi, grabbed his Walther P99 semi-automatic and started to wonder how the hell he was going to get out of this alive. Of course, he’d been in worse situations than this before, but in those cases he was wearing considerably more clothes.
Thankfully, Ferrett was saved from having to think of something brilliant and heroic by a familiar voice, shouted through a megaphone from somewhere in the vicinity of his rare tropical plants. Cautiously poking his head above the edge of the Jacuzzi, he was relieved to see his commander, Double-H.
“There you are!” she shouted, relief and annoyance in her tone. “You can come out right now and explain yourself. We’ve been trying to contact you for hours and had no reply – everyone at Headquarters thought you’d been kidnapped or assassinated.”
Feeling rather embarrassed, but glad that there wouldn’t be a shootout in his mansion, Agent Ferrett came out from behind the Jacuzzi and explained that he’d lost his wristwatch during his last mission in China, and hadn’t got around to getting a replacement yet. He didn’t think the truth would be well received.
After being told off by Double-H in front of the armed S.W.A.T team, Agent Ferrett was allowed to get dressed before being told why Headquarters had been trying to contact him in the first place. As he had suspected, something disastrous had happened and there was no one else who could do the job. A suspicious character known only as the Grinch had contacted the UN’s world leaders and told them that he’d planted a bomb in the North Pole Toy Factory, where all of the toys made by the elves were stored before Santa Claus delivered them on Christmas Eve. The bomb was set to go off at midnight, just before Santa loaded the presents onto his sleigh and set out to fill the stockings of the world with chocolate and socks and action figures with really cool weapons.
“We need you to get to the North Pole and disarm the bomb before Christmas is ruined,” Double-H told him. “In order to prevent panic, we haven’t informed Santa of the situation. An undercover Agent will rendezvous with you once you arrive at the North Pole, and you must complete your mission with the utmost stealth. The world must never know of the threat.”
Reluctantly, Agent Ferrett agreed to the mission. He didn’t want the destruction of Christmas to be on his conscience, and if all went well he’d be back in time for Christmas morning. Before he set off, he was told to pay a visit to SiCoe to collect the gadgets he would need for his mission.
“Whatcha doing back there?” SiCoe asked, patting the puppy on its head and simultaneously wrestling the fairy lights into a cage. He grabbed Agent Ferrett by the hand and pulled him towards his workshop, grinning happily. “Double-H told me you have a mission tonight. I’ve been waiting to give you my newest invention.”
“What is it this time?” Agent Ferrett asked wearily. “A Santa hat that shoots lasers? Tinsel that doubles as a ninja rope?”
“No, nothing like that… although the hat thing sounds like a good idea…” Reaching behind an empty tin of custard, SiCoe pulled out a pair of boxers and held them like a crazy relative giving out Christmas presents. “Go on, try these on.”
Gingerly taking them as if they might explode, the Agent raised an eyebrow and gave SiCoe a look that suggested he’d gone completely insane. “This is the new gadget you’ve spent so much time perfecting?” The boxers said ‘Going Commando’ on one side and were a kind of dark grey colour that wasn’t quite black.
“Don’t be fooled by its harmless appearance,” SiCoe told him. “This baby’s thought-controlled. Just think “anti-gravity” and you’ll become lighter than air. I’ve installed a variety of jumps and kicks from the Korean martial art Taekkyeon that you’ll be able to use instinctively, and if you’re in need of a grappling hook, one will shoot out of the crotch area.”
Agent Ferrett’s first instinct was to let go of the boxers like a child discarding wrapping paper, but he had to admit, they sounded pretty cool. SiCoe gave him an instruction manual with a full list of the boxers’ applications and told him he’d have to figure out how to use them as he went along.
As he left the lab, the mutant puppy wagged its tails at him. He waved back and wished it a Merry Christmas, then got out of there as fast as he could before it attacked him again.
“Who’re you?” he asked of the pointy-eared girl who was staring at him from four foot above the ground. “I’m looking for someone – he was supposed to meet me here, but I don’t see anyone but you.”
“You must be Agent Ferrett,” the girl sniffed. “You don’t look like Britain’s finest to me. Your nose is red and there’s snow on your hat.”
“How do you know my name?” the Agent demanded. “And what have you done with Agent Went? I supposed you’ve kidnapped him and left him tied up in the snow somewhere, haven’t you?”
“I am Agent Went!” the girl snapped. “Do you even know the meaning of the word ‘undercover’? I don’t look like this all the time, you know.”
“Oh.” The deadly feeling that he was going to pay for this slowly crept down Agent Ferrett’s spine. “I, uh, assumed you’d be a man. Sorry.”
“I bet you are.” Agent Went turned and stomped off. “I can tell working with you is going to be an interesting experience.” She turned her head and sighed impatiently. “You following me or what?”
“Er. Right.” As he hurried to catch up, Agent Ferrett nearly tripped over his enormous snow boots. “Look,” he said desperately, “I think maybe we got off on the wrong foot. How about we start again? Hello, I’m Agent Ferrett.”
“Don’t patronise me.”
“Right. Sorry.”
“And stop apolo-” Agent Went stopped so suddenly that Agent Ferrett almost went headfirst into a snowdrift.
“What is it?” he whispered. A gloved hand went over his mouth and he wondered how Agent Went could jump so high.
“Be quiet!” she hissed into his ear as she clung to his torso with her legs. A second later, he saw the thing that had her so worried. A giant man wearing nothing but a pair of black shorts, his legs as big as tree trunks and arms as thick as a turkey sandwich on Boxing Day, sat up from where he was lying on the ground and started to sniff the air.
“I smell meat!” he bellowed, climbing to his feet and staggering around as he scanned the ground hungrily. Agent Ferrett inched around the snowdrift, trying to make as little noise as possible. Agent Went removed her hand from his mouth and jumped down to the ground.
“What’s that?” he whispered, pointing to the giant, who couldn’t have been more than ten metres away.
“Yeti,” Agent Went replied distractedly as she fiddled with her belt.
“You mean… like the abominable snowman?”
“No. It means ‘your finger, stupid’ in the native language.” Having taken a set of sleigh bells from her belt, Agent Went started shaking them, producing a loud ringing sound. “That guy’s been causing trouble for months,” she explained. “We think he came from the ice caps to the South – there are a few giants still living there.” She rang the sleigh bells again, even more loudly this time, and Agent Ferrett resisted the urge to ask her what the hell she was doing. “The elves at Santa’s Grotto have named him John,” she added. “Not a very original name, but it’s as good as any.”
“OK, what are you doing?” Agent Ferrett asked, unable to hold back any longer. “Isn’t that going to attract this guy – John – towards us?”
The undercover Agent sighed. “Look over there.”
Agent Ferrett’s eyes followed the direction of Agent Went’s finger and saw an empty sleigh coming towards them from the sky, pulled by four reindeer. As the two of them climbed aboard, John’s massive head turned towards them. “Meat!”
“Quick!” Agent Went shouted. She was already aboard the sleigh, sitting at the reins ready to drive off. Agent Ferrett grabbed the wooden side of the sleigh and swung his legs over a split second before John’s fingers closed on empty air. Agent Went shook the reins, urging the reindeer onwards, and Agent Ferrett turned to see the giant watching them forlornly as they flew off over the horizon.
“Santa Claus himself only drives one of a thousand sleighs,” Agent Went told him. “The others are driven by senior elves. There’s a certain amount of magical compression to get all of the presents in, but this way it’s possible to get the job done.”
While his fellow Agent provided a distraction, Agent Ferrett snuck in past a guard. From the pitiful excuse for security he’d seen so far, it was no wonder this Grinch person had managed to get in and set a bomb. Of course, it did help that his boxers contained a cloaking device.
Think invisible, he thought to himself as he strolled down a gingerbread corridor with candy canes lining the walls. A handful of elves passed him on the way, but none of them noticed his presence. Feeling pleased with himself, Agent Ferrett wasn’t paying much attention when he turned a corner and found himself face-to-face with a dragon.
The dragon was looking straight at him.
“I can see you, you know,” it said conversationally. Thanks to his secret service training, Agent Ferrett was not surprised enough to overlook the fact that the dragon appeared to be female and spoke with an accent that was most certainly Welsh.
“Um. Hi.” Keeping his cloak activated was just wasting power, so Agent Ferrett turned it off. “Don’t eat me,” he added, just in case.
Rolling her eyes, the dragon huffed, “Why would I want to eat you? Boys taste disgusting.”
“Oh. Well, that’s alright then.” Smiling hopefully, Agent Ferrett tried to look past the dragon, but all he could see was tail. “In that case, could you please let me past?”
“Not until you do the washing up!” the dragon snapped. “It’s been building up for five hundred years and I’m not going to be the one to do it.”
She moved aside, revealing a huge mound of dirty dishes piled as high as the ceiling. It stretched down the corridor as far as he could see, and some of the saucepans were covered in so much mould that you would probably find Stone Age civilisations growing in there somewhere. This was going to take a lot longer than two hours; Agent Ferrett doubted that it would ever be properly clean.
“Look over there!” he shouted, pointing down a corridor to his left. “An ugly man with no hair is running towards us!”
“If you think I’m going to fall for that,” the dragon replied, “You’ve got another thing coming. Now are you going to start on this washing up, or am I going to have to set you on fire?”
“Too late.” Diving into the pile of dirty dishes, Agent Ferrett saw instant noodles emerge from the bald guy’s head and advance towards the dragon before everything went dark.
Something told him he wasn’t in Kansas any more. Wherever he was, it was completely dark – no trace of any kind of light whatsoever. No weak rays of sunlight straining through the curtains, no unnatural lamplight creeping under the crack in the door, nothing for his eyes to adjust to. Just darkness.
I wish I had a lighter or something… anything to help me figure out where I am, he thought. It was at this point that his boxers lit up.
“OK, that’s just weird,” he muttered to himself. Trust SiCoe and his wacky inventions – he shouldn’t have been surprised, really.
“Who dares intrude upon my domain?” a voice called. “Are you human or elf or something else?”
“I’m human,” Agent Ferrett replied. The light from his boxers provided enough illumination for him to see that he was in a small, black, completely empty room. There was no one in here with him, or at least no one that he could see. “Who are you?”
“Why did you bring Light upon my realm?” the voice demanded, completely ignoring the question. “I like it dark.”
“I’m sorry,” Agent Ferrett called out blindly, looking around for the source of the sound. In the furthest corner, he thought he saw a pale figure huddled. “I didn’t mean to end up here,” he added. “If you know the way out, I’ll leave you alone. I just want to complete my mission.”
“Mission?” The figure’s head perked up, and he looked directly at Agent Ferrett. “I’ve completed all the missions. Dozens of times. Thousands of missions.”
“What missions?”
The figure had stood up and was advancing towards Agent Ferrett now, coming closer. “All of the missions,” the creature answered hoarsely. It was close enough now that Agent Ferrett could see it properly. It appeared mostly humanoid, with dark glassy eyes and pale, paper-thin skin. “Every game in existence. I’ve played them all.”
Was he talking about video games? Now that he thought about it, Agent Ferrett noticed that the creature’s hands were clutching at the air, as if holding an invisible games controller. “Exactly how long have you been down here?” he asked.
“Forever.” The creature’s head tilted to the side as he scrutinised the Agent, blinking slowly. “I have known nothing but darkness for as long as I can remember. I like it dark.”
“You’ve already said that.” As much as he wanted to back away, Agent Ferrett was pressed up against the wall already. The only way out was past this thing, and even then, he didn’t see any door in this room. “Do you have a name?” he asked out of curiosity.
The creature thought about it for a second. “Paradox,” he said quietly. “They call me Paradox. The games master.”
“Do you know the way out of here, Paradox?” Agent Ferrett asked. “I’m on a mission, you see, and if I don’t get out of here I’ll never be able to complete it.”
“Mission.”
“Yes.”
“Hmm.” Paradox crossed over to the other side of the room and picked something up off the ground. When he turned, Agent Ferrett saw that it was an XBox controller. When he switched it on, the walls of the room turned completely white, so bright that they outshone the light from Agent Ferrett’s boxers.
“When I turn on the controller, the game begins,” Paradox explained. “This room responds to my thoughts.”
“The entire room is part of the game?” Agent Ferrett asked, perplexed.
“Yes.”
A door appeared to Agent Ferrett’s left. When he pushed at it lightly, it swung open, revealing more gingerbread corridor behind it.
“So if you could do this any time you want, why don’t you leave?” he asked.
“I like it like this,” was the simple answer. A rabbit popped into existence and started nibbling on the grass that suddenly covered the floor. “Bunny.”
“OK… bye then.” Stepped through the door, Agent Ferrett turned to get one last look at the strange creature.
“Good luck on your mission,” Paradox said as he bent down to pet the bunny. The door closed, leaving no indication that the dark room had ever been there.
As it turned out, he wasn’t actually that far away from the room where the bomb was supposedly hidden. Just two more left turnings and he’d be able to disarm it with ten minutes to spare.
Of course, nothing is ever that simple. The second he turned the first corner, Agent Ferrett came face-to-face with the bald noodle guy. There was no running away from this one – Bald Guy had definitely seen him. The noodles emerged from his scalp and snaked towards Agent Ferrett, ensnaring him in their cheap carbohydrate grasp before he could do more than start to back away. Bald Guy laughed hysterically as the noodles pulled Agent Ferrett towards him.
I need something to cut through the noodles, he thought desperately, willing his boxers to respond, but SiCoe evidently hadn’t anticipated this eventuality, because there was no response from his underwear. Bald Guy’s grinning mouth was getting closer and closer and it suddenly occurred to him that he was going to be eaten by the ugliest man he had ever seen. What a way to die on Christmas Eve.
But of course we couldn’t let the story end with such an anticlimax – we haven’t even got to the finale yet. Which is why, in true action movie style, unexpected help came to Agent Ferrett just as Bald Guy’s slimy tongue flicked out to taste him. From around yet another corner in the endless gingerbread maze came three clinically insane individuals, waving their arms madly and shouting “Twonk!”
The tallest one grabbed Bald Guy from behind, holding his arms behind his back as the light haired girl wrapped her arms around the noodles and the darker haired girl stood by with a camera. Agent Ferrett wrestled himself away as the girl began to take pictures, the sound of three people shouting “Twonk!” echoing into the distance as he sped towards his goal. Five minutes left until the bomb went off – he only hoped that he didn’t run into any more adversaries along the way.
Obviously a trap then, but what else could he do with three minutes left? Hoping that he was good enough to overcome whatever obstacle the Grinch had set for him, Agent Ferrett followed the arrow further into the room. The trees became older and more decrepit as he went on, until he was surrounded by thin trunks and skeletal branches on all sides. It was amongst these frail parodies of festivity that he found himself face-to-face with God.
“Hello,” I said, because I like to throw people off guard like that. I was sitting on top of a large metal box wrapped up with shiny red paper and finished off with a gold bow. “Did you enjoy your mission?”
“Who are you?” Agent Ferrett asked rudely, fumbling in his pocket for a gun. If he’d read the manual properly, he would have known that the boxers could shoot beams of pure energy, powerful enough to destroy the omnipotent, but of course he’d skipped that chapter.
“I’d hope you would be a little more respectful when addressing your God,” I told him patiently. “So… have you figured it out yet?”
“Figured what out yet?” he asked, confused. At least he’d given up on the whole firearm endeavour. I could tell that he was one of the smart ones, so I waited for a couple of seconds while his brain caught up with him. “Are you the Grinch, by any chance?” he demanded.
“In a manner of speaking,” I replied. “I never intended to blow up the factory, but I did write the letter. And it was me who left the sign there – I expected you to get here a lot sooner, so when it seemed like you wouldn’t turn up in time I decided to help you along a little.”
“It was you who sent the Twonks, wasn’t it?” he realised. Clever boy.
“Yep. They’re my Holy Army,” I told him proudly. “After I sent Cancer Head in to distract the dragon, I didn’t expect him to show up again. Rogue elements like him are so hard to control.”
“But I don’t understand.” Maybe he wasn’t so smart, after all. “You’re saying the bomb threat was only to lure me here? What do you want with me?”
Shrugging, I hopped off the present and checked my watch. T minus 20 seconds. “I needed a good hero for my story,” I explained. “And it had to be exciting, but you had to make it here on time or you’d miss the finale.”
“Finale?” What was this guy, a parrot?
“Wait for it.” I checked my watch again. “This is gonna be super awesome. Five, four, three…”
Agent Ferrett’s gaze fell on the present. “Oh sh-”
And it was Christmas.
And in the heart of the North Pole Toy Factory, a metal box wrapped in shiny red paper and finished off with a gold bow exploded into a mess of confetti and streamers and foam and silly string. The last thing that Agent Ferrett heard before his ears were filled with foam was the crazy giggling of an amateur writer with way too much creative power and a God complex.
In the Dark Room, a bunny’s ears pricked up as it heard some distant sound, but then it was distracted by ear scritches and promptly forgot all about it.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
