Save Yourself

by, Cassandra

---

I thought I'd fallen as far as I could fall, but apparently, I was wrong. It's just like that saying goes, you know. Just when you think it can't get any worse, life throws you another curve. I'd like to say that I'm strong, and I've come out of this a better person then when I went in, but I'm not sure I can. Is a hardened heart better? Is being immune to the things that once made you happy and sad, laugh and cry, better? I'm not sure.

All I know is that I'm certainly not as weak as I was, but does that make me any stronger? Just because you lose a weakness doesn't mean you automatically gain another strength. This isn't some game where you can pick up a life pack when you're running on empty. Adrenaline is about the only thing you have in this game, and it doesn't last all that long. Once the scare is gone, once the excitement dies down, you lose the adrenaline rush, and you're more exhausted then when you began.

I can see the questions in your eyes, wondering why I won't turn to you for help. But I have. Time and time again, I've tried to reach out and ask for your hand, but you are never paying attention. It's only after I've given up that you turn back to look for me. Do you have any idea how much courage it takes to admit you need help? It takes more then I have, and I'm running on fumes here. I can't risk asking you again.

I need you to understand that I'm not like you. Self-confidence is something I've never had. And I know that everyone can say the same, but at least you have the makings of a confident person. You could be one if you'd stop tearing others down long enough to build yourself up. If you'd stop tearing me down every time I climb to my feet. How can I carry you when I can barely bear the weight of my own insecurities?

If I let go, I need to know you won't crumble. If I let go to find myself, I need to know that you won't hate me for it later. Because, until I find out who I am on my own, I can't find out who I am with you. I need to learn to accept myself and my fault before I can accept yours. I can't pull us both out of this hole we've dug ourselves into. I have to believe that you have the strength to save yourself this time.

I love you, but I have to focus on saving myself now.