Of Silence And Laughter

by, Cassandra

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Some friend you turned out to be. You'd always sworn you'd have my back, but the one time I really needed you, you laughed. You fucking laughed in my face as my entire world unhinged and fell from the sky. Laughed, like it was the best fucking joke you'd ever heard. And, you know, maybe it was.

Your eyes say it all. "Not so strong now, are you?" they mock, still alive with laughter over this joke. You got to help me here. I've never been good with the punch lines, you know. You're going to have to explain this one to me, because I still cannot comprehend why the one person I trusted finds my pain so fucking hilarious.

I can't understand what I ever did to deserve this cold disregarded for my pain. Did I let you down somehow, without knowing it? Did I say something or do something to hurt you, and you're just hiding your own pain behind this laughter? Is that it? What can I do to make you stop? What can I do to quell that amusement sparkling in your eyes?

There's another option, though. Another explanation for this… this would-be betrayal. I just don't want to admit it, because then I'd have to admit that I never really trusted you from the start. That this has just been some fucking elaborate illusion crafted by two master illusionists. You and me, babe. We've got this down to an art.

I can see it though. It's all in your eyes, as it always has been. Did I knowingly blind myself to it, without actually knowing it? Or have I known all along, known this was coming, and did absolutely nothing to stop it? Either choice makes me sick. I knew you were going to break me all along, and I stood here and let you. I knew it, and you knew I knew it. What a tangled, tangled web we weave.

What is it that kept us here this long? Was it the words of love we let slip so carelessly from our lips? Was it the touches that spoke a million words, but kept echoing the same lies? Was it some deeper need, something darker that we didn't want to admit we wanted, but found inside these charades we played so fucking well? Is anything still keeping us here now? There has to be.

There fucking has to be, because we're standing here, the laughter's gone, but this silence is ten times worse. I want to know what's going on in that head of yours. I want to know what's hiding behind those lying eyes. Are you sorry at all? Did it hurt, just a little, to see the pain you caused? Do you still want this like you wanted it? Have all the lies finally morphed into our own twisted version of truth?

Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me you feel nothing? Can you honestly turn and walk away without having to fight the urge to look back? Can you honestly stand there and feel complete when something inside you just died? We're each others air, baby. You cannot breathe without me. Why are you even trying to?

Some friend you turn out to be. You stole my soul, shattered my heart, turned my world upside down, and fucking laughed in my face as I cried. You took my pain and got so fucking high off of it, and I hope you fucking crash harder then you've ever crashed. You've tainted everything good, and you've magnified everything bad.

Yet, I'd rather be standing here in this crushing silence filled with tears and hurtful laughter then to watch you walk away. Then to ever walk away.