I Could Lie, But I Won't

by, Cassandra

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I guess I could take the easy way out of this and lie. Say what everyone expects me to say. Tell this lie that is so close to the truth that nobody would ever know that it isn't. I could lie, I could walk away knowing that I did what everyone thought I should do. I could do this, and not risk breaking in front of you. Save face, and recite the words I already know by heart. I could… but I won't.

I'm not doing this because you deserve the truth, or because I'd feel guilty for lying to you. You don't, and I wouldn't. I'm doing this because… because it's what I feel I need to do. Because there isn't a reason behind it. Not a logical one anyway. Not one that anyone would understand. But it's what I'm going to do. I'll tell you the truth, one that's so close to a lie, that it might actually be one. But it's not.

I could say that I hate you, that I despise you for what you did to me, but I won't. Yes, I admit, there are times when I do hate you. But not for the reasons you think. Not for the reasons anyone would think. For the most part, I feel sorry for you. Because while you were too busy trying to beat out your demons, you missed out on the thing that could have been the best thing to ever happen to you. Love.

You had people who loved you, and you pushed them until they couldn't love you anymore. You ruined the thing that could have saved you. After all, that's what you were looking for, wasn't it? Someone or something to save you. To show you that life was worth living, and you didn't have to take the path you took. You could have been a human being, if you would have let someone love you. But you pushed until there was nothing left.

It's impossible to love something that hurts. Sure, some people will keep going back time and time again, till they can't stand it anymore. But that's not love, that's addiction. And I wasn't addicted to this. Scared, yes. Hurt, of course. Saddened, you can count on it. But addiction… never was I addicted to what you put me through. I hated every moment of it. And it was pure terror that kept me there. Never love. Never addiction.

I wish I could say I really and truly hate you, but I can't. I pity you, I fear you, but I don't hate you. But, then again, I don't love you, either. I stopped loving you the second you started loving me. Our love has never been the same. Yours is excruciatingly repulsive. Mine can be heartbreakingly beautiful. We're different in more ways then we're the same. And, for that, I will love you. Because I will never be like you. Not if I can help it.

I only love you for showing me what not to be like. Which paths I shouldn't take, which words I shouldn't say. I only love you for inadvertently making me a better person. After all, it's the thorns that make the roses, isn't it? I'm who I am today because of who you were then. Because of the darkness in your heart, I am able to see the light. So, I can genuinely say, thank you for being who you are. Because I wouldn't have gotten as far as I have without what you put be through.

So, I guess I could lie, and say that I hate you for what you did to me. That I hate who I am because I am only who I am because of who you are, but I won't. I'm not going to lie about this again. Cause the truth is, despite what you did, I'm perfectly happy with my life now. I'm content with who I am, and what I do. You haven't ruined me, and I won't give you the satisfaction of thinking that you did. I could lie. But I won't.