A/n: Contains mentions of child abuse, and rape.

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Exhilarating

by, Cassandra

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I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, listening for the tell tale creaks in the house. The creaks that alert me to the fact that he's up and around, and most of the time heading for my room. It's not fair that anyone has to live with this fear.

The fear that at anytime you could be a victim of another person's anger. Especially when it's a member of your own family, and there's no one else around to help you. Or even worse, when there is someone around to help, but they just don't care.

I honestly think it would be easier to deal with if this happens because he was drunk. If he wasn't thinking straight, and the alcohol was affecting his actions. But the things he does, he does with a clear mind. He knows exactly what he's doing when he's doing it and just doesn't give a damn.

So I'm stuck here, never knowing when he's going to turn on me. Never knowing when something I do is going to piss him off. Or when nothing I do pisses him of, he just feels like doing it.

It's hard enough growing up without this fear holding you back. It's hard enough being a teenager in a generation where sex appeal is all the rage. It's hard enough growing up in a broken family. But growing up with all of this at once; it's indescribable.

It's never fun getting into a fight with one of your parents. It's never nice when they insult you without thinking. But with my parents, it's a daily thing, or was a daily thing. I was constantly being called insulting names by my mother. And now I don't know whether to be glad she's gone or not.

Some think that growing up with a lot of money would be a good thing. That it would be the bomb to be able to buy whatever you want. But it's not. Not when it can buy the rape, abuse, and torture of a child. Not when someone can buy their freedom when they should be locked up.

I don't know the statistics for people in the situation. I don't know how many people really, truly understand this paralyzing fear. All I know is that I would do anything in the world to be free of it. Well, almost anything.

I would never wish this fear on anyone, including him. My father. The person who put this fear into me in the first place. He's put me through hell, but I still couldn't bring myself to wish this fear on him.

Maybe it's because I'm a kind hearted person, or maybe it's just because he's my blood. But this fear is something that no one should have to experience. Not even the worst person in the world.

This fear may be paralyzing, but hope is overcoming. Hope has the ability to make the darkest night light as day. It doesn't take a lot, just a spark. It's all you need to survive, and when you do you'll have more than just a spark. You'll have a fire.

I was given my spark by someone else. They helped me survive; even through I'm not out of the woods yet. But I'm still surviving, still going on with my life. I'm not letting this fear hold me back, hold me down. And if I ever see someone in need of hope, I'll lend them my fire.

Fear may be paralyzing, but hope and love; they're exhilarating.