Understand

by, Cassandra

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You want to know what I want? I want to be someone else; because the person I am... she disappoints me. You don't have to tell me that I've got the potential, because I've always known that. It's that rush, that thrill when I finally convince her to open up, to spread those wings. I could be so much more then what I am, but she'd never allow it. She doesn't need it like I do.

She's put up this wall, and she'll never let it come down. I know she feels the longing, but she'll never act on it. She'd rather suffer at her own hand then to risk being hurt by someone else. That doesn't bother me. I crave the blinding rush of emotions that blur the lines I've been told all my life not to cross. I know it's what I need. To lose control, just for a moment.

I need to feel something real, be it pain or pleasure. Fear and longing... they've worn me out. They've become numb. I've become numb. And as the numbness spreads, she worries about what I may end up doing just to feel. I can't settle for content. Lukewarm doesn't cut it anymore. I need extremes. I need the heat. I need the ice. I need the disappointment and I need the fucking praise.

I need to know how it feels to fall, without a safety net ready to catch me. I need to feel the wind in my face. I need to hit the ground hard enough to bruise, to break. To feel. Because, unless I learn to feel, I fear I'll fade long before my time. I want to be ruled by emotions and not logic. I want someone to look me in the eye and just know. Just once, I want someone to understand.

Would they understand? I doubt it. If they knew what I feel, what I think, what I need, what I want, they wouldn't understand it. They'd condemn me for it. They'd pity me for it. They'd hate me for it. I need them to love me for it. Because I do need it. I need it more then air. I'm slow suffocating as I wait for her to understand it. I don't know how much longer I can last.

Would you ever understand?