Scared To Death

(a true story)

by, Cassandra

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So you want the truth? She cries at night, lost in dreams of days gone by. The feelings rise, blurring the lies, and in the end it's all the same. This story had a happy ending... or maybe not. The tender age of who knows when, eyes still bright with hopes and dreams. But a sudden thought breaks through the fog; "What if it were all to end?" Maybe she'd be different then. No maybe involved, she wouldn't be the same.

She longs for a hand to hold, blocking out the moans of unbelievable pain. Someone close, a loved one perhaps, suffers oh so close to her. Just across the room, in fact. On the floor, in the dark, praying for light and wishing for life. Who would have thought this would happen to them? Jesus Christ, where are you now? Embedded in her brain, pray again, pray again. All the lies, so many lies. How to tell them from the truth...?

Words she would not yet understand, thrown carelessly into the wind. Unfit mother, unfit mother... give me a break, would you please? Trying to be strong, oh so strong, but one even younger still, stronger still, stands right beside her. Listening to the tears that fall, nothing able to wash away the fright. Help her please, help her please. The plea falls on deafened ears. A mother so close to the crippling edge.

Finally help arrives at last, one try, two tries, third times the charm. And just when it couldn't get much worse, the threat of death looms again. It's ice cold fingers reach for them, a sister so dear, and a father so near. A wreck of metal, jumbled together. Thank the Father they had His protection with them. A crippled mother, a well missed father, and a mourned little sister... the thought chills her to the bone.

But death could not leave well enough be, it had to rise again, you see. A brother's close brush with death, left on her shoulders to share the news. No more then a mere week apart, she could have lost everyone oh so dear to her. For heaven's sakes, she's just a kid... loss hits too close to home with her. Deprived of a childhood, held sacred by all, she hasn't a clue of what to do. Fortunately, it's only a dream to shake.

She finds it hard, even years on down, to shake the fear, to shake the tears. Try as she may, she can't help but think, what if... what if? What if the surgery hadn't helped a bit? What if the car hit much harder? What if the brush what that much closer? Then the only one left would be her, with an older sister still a kid herself. There to take care of everything, their mother and each other. She wishes the what if's would find a hole... and drown themselves.

So you want the truth? She's scared to death, scared that this is all a dream. That mom and dad aren't standing here, and siblings went from four to two. This story had a happy ending... at least so far. But luck can't last forever, and fear is deeply rooted. And her faith in life, love, and God has been severely shaken. Cults and losses have a way of sticking to the brain. So the truth is I am her... and I am scared to death.