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girl in the mirror
by, Cassandra
I need to find the strength, the will to accomplish what needs to be done. I need to learn to stand on my own, because I'm beginning to realize that no one is ever going to be there when you need them. Doesn't mean you're alone. But during your worst moment, your darkest hour, you're going to be alone. You'll have to learn to fight for what you need and more so, for what you want, because no one else is going to give it to you. Even if they did, it won't be the same. You need to know that you alone made this happen. It was your blood, your sweat, and your tears.
My blood, my sweat, my tears. My life, and my choice, and no one else can make it for me. I need to take control. I need to learn, and I need to grow. I need to reap what I've sown and hope like hell for a better crop next year. That's all I can do. Or more like that's all I've been doing, but I never get up and sow something better then what I'd sown the year before. It's not "about" time to get up and make the difference I've wanted to see. It is time. Here and now. I can't wait any longer. Actually, I could, but I won't. I refuse to sit back and watch the world pass me by. I'm not getting left behind this time, ya hear? I refuse. This is my life and my choice and no one else can live it for me. I won't let them live it for me anymore. I'm taking control.
I need to stop relying on others to be there when I fall. They've never been there before, so why do I keep expecting them to show up? It's a fool's hope. It's a fool's dream of fool's gold, but I want something real this time. I'm not going to be a fool any longer. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not... I've learned that that doesn't work. There's only so many times... and I'm beginning to think I've said it one too many times. It's lost its meaning, darlin', but yet I keep relying on the same old, same old, same old. Not anymore. It's out with the old, and in with the new.
Out with the weak and in with the strong. Out with the tears and in with the hope. But I'm still a cynic, because I'm not going to let dying hopes kill me, too. I've watched my dreams die so many times, and I know it's going to happen again and again and again. It's going to, and I can't afford to let myself hope in these dreams, because if I do, if I let myself rely on them, and believe in them, I'm going to fall when they do. They can't hold me for long. I need something stronger.
God, I can hear you laughing at me now. Not laughing, but there's this smugness in your eyes. You've said it so many times. Everyone has, but that just makes me believe it less and less. It's become the same old, same old, same old. I need something new. I need something strong. I need something I can hold and feel and see. I need something I know I can trust in, can believe in. Something that isn't going to let me down. I know you're right... but I can't believe what you say, because I've heard it all before. It's become so worn.
How can I believe? How can I get out of this shadow? How can I grow? How can I know what it is I need to know? How can I find the words I need to say? When will I stop repeating everything I've already said? When will I finally be able to say I understand? When will I be able to say I'm happy? Who? What? Where? When? Why? Just stop it already.
I want to be able to look in the mirror and see someone worthwhile. Is that too much to ask? I want to stop being this person I was made into and start being someone else. Someone better. Someone stronger. Someone smarter. Someone who can look at herself and see a person she can be proud of. I want you and you and you to be proud of me, too. Is that too much to ask?
I want to be the one to break the mold. I want to be the one to put the pride back into your eyes. I want to be the one to make you smile. I want to be the one you want to see. But most of all, I want to be who I want to be. I want to be good, and pure, and bright, and the one you look at and say "God, she's beautiful." Not because of the outward appearance, but because of the confidence. The strength. The aura surrounding me when I walk down the street. I want to be something. I'm sick of being nothing.
I want to be outright selfish, because I've been so selflessly selfish for so long. I've hidden myself away, thinking I was saving you the trouble of having to deal with me on top of everything else, but really, I was scared. I knew I could never compare, so I hide myself away, and I pretended to be something I wasn't. It was selfish of me, because the person I was at least could've made a difference. Even if it was a bad difference, she could have done it. She could have changed something, but now we'll never know.
I cheated everyone of the chance to know me. I cheated myself of the chance to know me. It wasn't fair of me. But it wasn't fair of you to let me, either. It wasn't fair of you to put others before your own flesh and blood. It wasn't fair of you to put all your burdens on me. It wasn't fair of you to let your feelings for someone else get in the way of our relationship. It wasn't fair of you to put the weight of your disappointments on me. It just wasn't fair.
We've all made our mistakes, and I can't judge you without judging myself. But I do. Just like you. You judge me by your standards, and you know from the start that I'm going to fail. Everyone will. Just like you. You are no better then anyone else. I am no worse then anyone else. We cannot judge one another fairly, but what is fair these days? Nothing is fair. No one's fair. Fair is just a word in a dictionary. Meaningless. In the end, we can only judge ourselves. And I do. Just like you.
I compare and I fail. I'm sick of failing by the standards of others. I'm sick of trying to measure up. I'm sick of trying to fit in. I'm sick and oh-so tired of being scared. Petrified. Terrified. In the end, it all comes back to fear. I fear what others think, though that's something I despise. I fear what you think when you look at me. I'm frozen in place, petrified terrified that I'm not going to meet your standards. That I'm not going to measure up. That I'm not fitting in, and am instead standing out like a sore thumb. I fear... you. I fear everything.
But mostly I fear myself. I fear how easy it's become for me to pretend that everything is fine. I fear how hard it is to find myself inside, hiding behind all the lies. I fear how openly obvious my weaknesses are, while my strengths I've hid even from myself. I fear what it was I did, and I fear what needs to be done. Fear's become my closest friend... and I fear that, too.
It's exhausting. I'm so tired of trying to run and hide from everything I fear. I'm tired of trying to hide from you. So, I'm not going to anymore. If you want to see me, well... here I am, in all my broken and abused glory. I'm not hiding anymore. The tears are real, but so is the hope you see shining through. Because if I can kill just one of these fear, it'll be a little easier to bear. It's worth the risk. It's worth the fallout. It's worth anything and everything. So here I am, in all my broken and abused glory.
So take a good look, Life, and you too, Fear. This is what you made me. You took me, you broke me, you used me and abused me. But remember, I'm not playing passive anymore. If I'm going to be passionate, then I need to be passionate about myself. I need to care about who I am, and what I let others do to me. I can't be passive and passionate at the same time. I'm not going to be broken anymore. Look out, Sky, because someday soon I'll be spreading my wings.
And to you, girl in the mirror, I hope you find your strength. I hope you learn to grow up. I hope you understand that words on the screen don't mean anything until they're put into action. Make things move, baby girl, because you're the only one who can. I've done all I can do.
Hurry up, because I think you'll like the view.
