A Tainted View

by, Cassandra

---

You're carrying enough guilt on those shoulders of yours, so I'm not going to add to it. I can't blame you for something I don't even remember. All I know is what I've been told, but word of mouth is highly unreliable.

What I do remember is that you didn't think me capable of that kind of love. But I was, at the time. You made it reality by rejecting what I tried so hard to give. It wasn't because of anyone else that I did what I did. It was me.

I used to be capable of reaching for the sky. I used to be able to touch the brightest star. I used to believe in something so much bigger then me. I used to know. I never thought. It was just there. It just was. Now it's not.

I used to crave contact with the people I adored, but you stole that from me too. Now, I'm just an empty shell, so fragile to the touch. I break and I shatter. I splinter and I crack. I've lost so many pieces. An uncompleted masterpiece.

I could have been so much more than what I am now. I could have had the faith to move a mountain if you hadn't torn me down. I could have sung about amazing grace with every fiber of my being. I could have believed in the unbelievable, but you held me down and wouldn't let me fly.

Now, now; don't get me wrong. I believe every word in those pretty gospel songs. What I lack is the belief in the belief of those around me. It's empty, and it's forced. Its rhetoric spewed from lying lips, and the only thing they believe is that all their good deeds will get them there. After all, they showed up, didn't they?

They're so much better then me. I slept the day away, dreaming about (shh) unmentionable things. Tsk, tsk. I'm living a life of sin. But you can't blame this poor girl, can you? It wasn't my choice to reject that ticket to their so called paradise.

You twist words so beautifully. They stay the same as in this Book your tore them from, but somehow, they mean something completely different by the time you're through with them. Scare the poor people, why don't you? I mean, it's one way to insure loyalty.

You never liked me to begin with, but I'm sure you'd hate me now. I'm pushing at the boundaries that have been set by those who know what's "best" for me. I'm testing just how far I can stray before the tether breaks. How much is too much these days?

I don't fit in your perfect little box anymore, but then again, I doubt I ever did. Your perfect little box isn't so perfect after all, because you can't even fit into it anymore. Then again, I doubt you ever did.

Haven't you heard? No one is perfect, and I believe I heard that (time and time and time again) from you. And I know that doesn't mean it's alright to go off and be imperfect to my heart's content. It's sad how I could throw those words right back at you.

Your words are lies, but they're so tangled with the truth that I can't figure out which is which is which these days.

"I laugh at your faith.
You laugh to my face.
(cause we're just nice that way.)"

But even though you twisted me up so bad inside, I have no right to blame you. This wasn't your choice anymore then it was mine. You made mistakes, and I stumbled more then once. I was so impressionable, so it's no wonder this tainted me forever.

So if you end up passing me on the street, don't worry... your hands are clean of the mess that is my life. But, don't try to talk to me, because I don't really like you, to be honest. Word of mouth is unreliable, but it sure as hell can taint somebody's view.