I just watched her make the same mistakes again…

5:00 PM

Theresa had me in tears during our session today. She kept insisting that I’m already sixteen. That just made my resolution to kill myself even stronger. She was so firm with me that my fragile self almost absorbed it as yelling. I cried straight through the whole session. Theresa almost had my dad take me to the hospital to get evaluated. That would have wrecked my plans and saved my life; two things I don’t want.

I now have in my possession one Abilify, and two Haldol pills. Tomorrow I’ll have even more. The pills are coming at a high price though. Clay and Navern, two of the voices I sometimes hear, are back. I’ve been hearing screaming no one else seems to notice. I’m scared, I have to admit it, I’m scared out of my mind, I don’t know how many doses of medication I can skip while still being able to function in the normal world. Today was hard enough and I know it will only get worse, but it needs to be done.

In the meantime I just need to keep faking that I’m fine and pushing on. I’ll just keep pretending that I’m okay for as long as I can keep up the charade.

May 13th 2006

My heart is beating so fast. I almost sneaked away another pill or two this morning, but I didn’t. I chickened out.

I’m still recovering from yesterday’s crying session with Theresa, and almost being sent to the hospital.

There’s only one page left in this journal, and I’m almost tingling with the satisfaction of finishing another journal.

Yesterday I went rock climbing with school, and it was really awesome until I felt the effects of skipping some of my medications,

The nerves jangling around inside me, are driving me crazy. I need to calm down, but I don’t know how to, I try to just put my fears on paper so that I can get then out from inside of me.

9:45 AM

Class is almost over, it’s the last five minutes, I just finished doing a worksheet on metaphor. I have science next. I hate science. I have trouble focusing in that class normally, I have a feeling that my struggles will be compounded by my distractions that are already there today, but I have to try to stay in it. I can’t arouse too many suspicions. Somehow I have to manage to work through my pain and boredom. Keep plowing forward, I just have to keep plowing forward.

My hand hurts again from writing too fast, but that’s how my thoughts come, fast and furious. I can feel my inner struggle in my body, I rub my legs together and fidget because I can’t get comfortable.

At breakfast I was in such pain. I wanted to be able to hold up a normal conversation with the Spanish teacher, but my words were stuck inside myself, and I couldn’t find them. That happens to me sometimes, it’s something I want to talk to Theresa about.

Thinking about Theresa just made me remember the way she seemed mad at me. I don’t want her to be mad.

11:55 AM

It’s almost lunch time and I’m getting all antsy and nerve-wracked again. I put a plastic bag in my sweatshirt pocket to put the pill in so it won’t fall out or get lost. I hope this works. In my mind I play out different scenarios of why my plan might not work, These scenarios can’t happen. This needs to go smoothly. I don’t know what will happen to me if this doesn’t work. I guess I don’t really want to think about that. I’m scared but determined.

2:53 PM

I’m at Dr. Kollers office right now and I found out that I lost a little bit of weight, I’m 49 kilograms again, that means that I lost 2.5 pounds and I know I can lose more. I suck hard at my retainer, it’s turning into a nervous habit of mine.

My mom noticed that I don’t look so good. My skin is pale and my lips are white. I told her I didn’t feel good with out specifying whether I meant emotionally or physically. I think it’s both.