CHAPTER 1: The Lost Transmissions

Here I sit, alone in a field of broken glass. All that we have done, all that we have experienced is shattered around me. It feels like the world is falling apart. The whole universe in fact, has descended into madness and nothing makes sense to me anymore.

I wish you could talk to me now; I really need to hear what you have to say. I don’t know if you can hear me from whatever pasture you have happened upon but I can only hope. There is so much left unsaid between us and it is twisting inside of me, knotting into regret. This just doesn’t seem real, it can’t be real if I don’t accept it and I can’t; I refuse to. Stubborn to the end right? Be this the end at least I have been consistent...

My father used to tell me stories at bedtime. They were warnings really, dressed in a fairytale disguise. You know how it is, a child can swallow anything so long as it’s wrapped in adventure, and he would paint such wondrous landscapes. He would speak of the universe as a map of Devine glory sculpted by the hand of God himself. Burning landmarks of wonder decorated the canvass, burning bright like the love for His children. It was a playground in which his favourite children could play and grow and eventually find their way to Him. This is official pilgrim propaganda by the way. The type I have had drilled into my head ever since I could form words...

But there were always dangers. Unbelievers and instruments of evil lurked in this black Eden of stars, waiting to steal the faithful away. My father always warned me to be careful or I could end up like one of the unfortunate pilgrims in his stories, tricked by a demon in human disguise offering simple pleasures that could blind me of what was important. They would take me under their blanket of sin and I would be lost forever. So I guess I should ask; are you a demon?

He was a believer, a pilgrim; my father was and he taught me to be as well. He was convinced God was out here somewhere in this never ending black, waiting for us to discover him and he would tell me right before tucking me in that I would be the one to find him, succeed where he had failed. It would be for the good of Genesis, he used to say, it would be for the salvation of all mankind.

It sounds stupid to say out loud, but I believed him, back then when his face was soft and full of colour. As I grew older I thought of myself as the one who would eventually find God sitting in his paradise. I would achieve the goal of all pilgrims. I would be the one to re-introduce us to our lost Father and everything would melt away, all the pain and suffering. Sinners would be cast out and only the faithful would remain to bask in the golden era of our Lord. Our perseverance would be rewarded with something tangible, something we could put our hands on and feel on our skin. We would never have to fear again, we would be eternal and blissful.

That really was a stupid thing to believe, what would I have done; shook his hand. What would I have said, what could be said. I would have failed...I have failed.

I have wasted my life searching for something that could never be found and what I have found is not what I expected. I found you and now you’re being taken away, leaving me here with all the monsters, all the horrors my father warned me about, the ones with human faces. There is only pain, there is only what we as humans can offer. Angels and demons do not walk our plane, they are just stories. There is no heaven, no hell. There is only this mess of ours, people colliding with people. We are alone and we are cold. Yet we just cannot accept it. I guess it is too much to bear...

Are you listening, are you gone?

They’re surrounding us now, grating against each other, posturing and threatening and all that human bullshit! We’re stuck in the middle of it all and you have decided to abandon us. I am upset, I cannot begin to tell you how much I am hurting right now, but most of all I am angry, so very angry. I’m angry at you, at myself and at everyone. This stupid little existence of ours, offering nothing but illusion to guide us to oblivion. How could I have been so stupid?

What is to be done?

We’re out of options. The others are blustering away, throwing up suggestions that fall flat almost as rapidly as they are produced. I can hear them squabbling now. They’re panicking and I can’t blame them. I guess talking to you, or at you, is my way of dealing with all of this. Maybe I’ve given up. It sounds like I have doesn’t it? All this rambling, I sound like my father shortly after his second stroke, shortly before his end, babbling about his life and how he failed. That’s me, I am my father’s daughter, daddy’s special little pilgrim...

You know I’m not fooled, I can hear you breathing. I know you’re still in there somewhere lost in your broken shell. For your sake I hope my misguided belief is at least in some small part true, that there is something waiting for you on the other side...

Times up, they’re calling on me. Apparently something is happening. Maybe they’ve killed each other and we’re free to continue wondering aimlessly without you. I don’t care anymore but I will go and see what it is. Be patient, we may be joining you soon...

Oh did I tell you I love you...?

Will you wake up for that...?