Author: HorseChild PM
Thoughts of a girl tormented by her relationship with her boyfriend. Her mind feels torn in all directions.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Romance/Angst - Words: 1,307 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Published: 12-23-07 - Status: Complete - id: 2453946
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
You said that you would call, and you didn't.
You're explanation: "I forgot. I'll write it down next time."
Okay, I'll take that. I'll give you another chance, see what happens next time.
Next time: no call.
Should I bring it up? Should I tell you how hurt I feel when you don't?
Everyone(thing) says that, in a relationship, you shouldn't hold feelings in.
You should let the other know how you feel, and about any issues you have.
So I did. Saturday, I talked to you.
It wasn't the first hard talk we had, or the first one where you apologized.
But it was the first one where I had a hope that things might change.
"I'll call you tomorrow" (Sunday)
I want to give you a chance, though I have already.
I still like you, I miss you so much more than I thought possible.
I miss the way you touch me, hold me, being around you.
I saw one of my friends with her boyfriend, at a place
Which was originally supposed to be for you and me, and maybe others.
You couldn't come, which was fine.
I watched how he held her, and kissed her, and how they held hands
Just like we did.
And I remembered the night hike, and everything
And I missed you.
I came home, hoping for a call and fighting
Against the voice that told me that there would be no call.
And there wasn't.
Your mom said you were busy.
Maybe something came up, and you couldn't call.
Maybe some unforeseen circumstance.
Or did you "forget" again?
I want to give you another chance, but this isn't the first time.
Where do you draw the line?
When do I put my foot down?
How do I balance being like a good person, and not letting you (or anyone) walk all over me?
I think you're sincere. I want to believe so badly that you are.
But the road to hell (or break up) is paved with good intentions.
Not that you're evil. You told me that you were,
Said that someone like me didn't deserve to deal with
Evil and pain and ugliness.
A part of me wants to know if you even remember.
And another part thinks you do.
I still like (love) you, and I still completely disagree with what you said.
But I'm tired of wondering whether this is worth it or not, and not knowing the answer.
I'm tired of being hurt and confused every day, and of being happy for a little while, only to be hurt and confused again the next day.
I'm tired of you saying you're sorry. I don't want you to have to do that. I want to talk through issues and then have them actually fixed or changed.
I don't want to be hurting—again—and have you say you're sorry—again.
My friends think I should break up with you. They've been thinking that for a while.
I've started to take everything they say with a grain of salt, and I know they're getting annoyed with me.
I don't want this to come between me and them, and I know it is.
Just like I don't want to come between you and your family.
But I'm tired of being hurt.
I'm tired of not being able to trust that you're going to call.
I'm tired of crushed hope and disappointment.
I'm tired of feeling confused and hurt and of being torn on what to do, and thinking about it every day.
I want to believe in what I feel when things are going well,
When I'm with you and you hold me, hold my hand,
Kiss me, when we have normal conversations
Not ones about relationship issues.
But every time you don't follow through, or it sounds like you're just giving me excuses,
It makes me wonder whether I can trust in the good things.
I don't want to become one of those people who doesn't trust guys because she's been hurt too much.
I don't want to hate you.
I want to trust you. I still like (love) you, so much.
But this is the first time—last night—that I've seriously considered breaking up with you.
This is the first time that hurt from the night before has carried over into the morning.
I'm trying to like this relationship—and you—for what they are, not what I want them to be.
But where do I draw the line between accepting differences and calling them issues?
Where do I draw the line between telling you that you're doing something wrong and calling it "trying to change you"?
I don't want to live my life this way.
I don't want our relationship to be this way. I know it can't be perfect, but I'm hoping that it can be better than this.
I'm tired of trying to figure out whether I'm asking too much from you, or my expectations are unrealistic.
I'm tired of trying to reach out to you, and stopping myself because I'm afraid of being rejected.
I've said this before, and I'll say it again: I'm tired of feeling like I'm chasing after you.
Because actions speak louder than words,
And though you've said—more than once—that what I think is wrong, that you still like me and want to keep this relationship going, your actions aren't showing me that.
Actions speak louder than words. A lot louder.
They say "follow your heart." But they also say "use your head."
What do you do when what the one says is against the other?
When you're torn between the two?
When you're trying to follow your gut feeling while, at the same time, your heart says that you want to stay with this person and give him another chance?
What do you do when you're confused about what your gut is telling you?
When your head and common sense sometimes say to just throw it all away (to break up with you) and your heart rebels because I still like (love) you?
Damn it, what do I do?
I'm so torn and confused, and I'm so tired of feeling torn and confused.
I never see you, but I feel like we could make this work.
I want so badly to make it work, but I don't know whether you do.
You say you do, but you're actions don't show that. Some of them have, but the majority haven't.
You said then that you didn't want to push me away, and I said that you weren't.
You said you'd follow me anywhere, and you didn't want to lose me.
Well, you're losing me. I'm angry enough to admit it. You're losing me, you're pushing me away.
You weren't then, but you are now.
And the angry part of me wants to tell you that.
But another part, the part of me that still likes (loves) you and wants to give you another chance
Doesn't want to tell you because it would hurt you.
But I have to tell you.
I will even though I'm scared it'll scare you away
And even though I'm doubting that I'm asking too much.