The Night of Christmas Eve

It was the night of Christmas eve, and all through the house

All were screaming, including the mouse

The stockings were in flames by the fireplace where

They should not have been hung, a fire hazard right there

The children had all jumped up out of their beds

Because their hair was in flames, a bonfire on their heads

Before this had happened we were all in bed for

We'd just laid down to sleep about an hour before

Then out on the lawn, there was a loud noise

I fell from the bed to see, falling over dog toys

I picked myself up and went on my way

Pulling back the blinds that had been shut for the day

As I looked out on the lawn far down below

The moonlight allowed me to see the red glowing snow

My awestruck gaze was drawn when there appeared

A sleigh in flames and eight hell-bound reindeer

Driving the sleigh, there was an old man

Probably from Florida, he had a nice tan

I got more nervous the closer he came

He tried to halt the reindeer, addressing them by name

"Stop, Slasher, Necromancer! Stop, Cancer and Lickin'!

Stop, Vomit! Stop, Stupid! Stop, Fondler and Shitzen!

Mind that porch! Watch our for that wall!

Stop! Stop! God damn it! Stop all!"

I stared dumbfounded as they skid on by

Crashing to a halt, it's amazing they didn't die

The elder stepped out of the sleigh, good as new

It was then that I wondered if he was invincible, too.

A moment later, he was at there at my door

Then I heard his boot steps clunking across my floor

Turning around I heard flames ignite

This is when it turned into a truly hellish night

I saw him by the fireplace with a lighter in his hand

I was so incredibly shocked that I could barely stand

Pushing me out of the way, he charged up the steps

There were screams to follow just what he did next

He looked very kind, but he was very scary

From that moment on, his actions rarely did vary

The house up in flames, and this I know

Very quickly the old man was turning to go

There weren't any gifts left for us under the tree

And my family and I were being forced to flee

Back into the sleigh then the reindeer flew

The police soon came and asked what I knew

I told them the story, said I saw it myself

But they stared and asked if I'd hit my head on a shelf

They claimed I'd gone mad and was the culprit here

Said I was the one to cause my children's tears

Whilst the firefighters went straight to their work

My family corroborated and I thought of the jerk

I looked to the sky for sight of the sleigh

I wanted to catch him before the break of day

I then spotted him heading toward the west

I pointed him out and the police jumped to make an arrest

Yet he couldn't be caught, flying far out of sight

He took the time to shout, "I'll be back next year! Have a shit night!"

Based on/Parody of Clement Clarke Moore's The Night Before Christmas