Note:

This was inspired by ‘The Foo Fighters’ song ‘home’.

To explain, the bits in italics are a letter. Him, or his or he always refers to the writer of the letter and no one else. The bits not in italics are not necessarily in time order, they jump all over the place.

Review if you can be fucked.

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Everyday.

I wish I were with you now, because all I ever want is to be home. I know that every path I took tried to lead me away; it was like we were never meant to be together. I always tried so hard to be there by your side and though there was more pain than happiness, for every memory we made I will always remember and never regret...

“Pray with me”

He twined their fingers together, gentle as he pulled them both down to the ground till they were buried amongst the sunburnt golden grass.

Pulling their faces close to rest their foreheads together he smiled into sad blue eyes, wiping away the pale streaks of tears from pale cheeks. Between them, he held their hands to feel the twin beats of steady hearts. That moment there was made for them, and he never dropped his gaze or let it waver.

“Feel my heart? It beats just for you. I pray it beats for you after these fields have burnt away and the trees are gone. It will beat for you as other people fade away in my head. It will still beat for you when we are old and wrinkled. When I die every last boom will be for you and even then the stars will know that, and they will swell and become giants and die in rhyme with my heart, all throughout the universe, just for you. Because I love you”

Those tears had stopped now, instead replaced with the softest smile.

“No one has said they love me before”

“Then I will tell you I love you everyday”

...It is so hard for me to put into words how much I love you, and how knowing that I am leaving you is so much more painful than the leaving itself. You have to know how beautiful I think you are, and I wish I had told you more. Please, read that line over and over, because I mean it a thousand, thousand times...

“You are beautiful”

Pale blue eyes lifted from the dirt to see him, to feel his hands pressed against the skin of icy cheeks, wiping away the mud there, revealing bruises and blotches and blood. How could he say he was beautiful now? How could he say that what he saw was beautiful when it had been pushed to it’s lowest level, crawling like a maggot in this mud and filth. “But I am worthless”

“No. You are so beautiful, you are the only reason I got up this morning. Do you know that?”

“No one has ever called me beautiful before”

“Then I will call you beautiful every day”

...I know how much you hurt and if I could I would make you okay. If I could I would smoother all your pain with every fibre of my body just to see you smile again...

He had sunk to his knees in the dirt beside the beautiful boy he loved so much, wrapping his arm around a shaking body to draw it so tightly to his chest, to cradle it and hold it like it mattered most in the world. “I know it hurts”

“God I want to die. Please kill me”

“If it thought it would take your pain away I would, and I would follow you…to heaven or hell”

That body in his arms twisted, face horrified as it wrapped its shoulders in a hug. “No! You couldn’t do that. You’re worth so much more than that”

“And you are worth so much more than me, you make my life worth living…”

Turning to face his shoulder that body let out a final tremble, clinging to him like the world would collapse if they let go of one another.

“…and I will live every day just for you.”

...You are the only person I have ever truly loved, and through all this you are the only one who I see when I close my eyes. I wish so much now that I had not been so far from you, because every moment we spent together was so perfect to me. From the moment we met...

He couldn’t look away from the beautiful boy by the water, the one that bled a beauty he wanted to breathe like oxygen. Drawn away from the people he knew, drawn from the warmth and comfort of his simple life he dropped, enraptured, to that boys side. The boy had jumped, looking with wide blue eyes at him. Without a word he had leant across to that boy, unable to care for a name or weather he was even interested, and kissed him on those beautiful plush lips. Even if that was the only taste he was ever going to get it was more valuable to him than any amount of gold in the world, and when the boy had kissed back it was the sweetest thing that had ever touched his existence.

“I have no fear for my heart, no absence of faith because I have just found you”

That comment flipped over the boys head, his pale eyes almost unfocused as if he were dizzy.

“No one has ever kissed me like that before”

“Then, if you will let me, I will kiss you every day”

...to these last minutes. It is like heaven to be at your side and I know that even to spare my life I would never give up the few moments. Never erase them, never change them, because to loose this would be to loose the only reason I lived in the first place...

“It’s terminal. We cant remove the cancer. I’m sorry”

There was silence in the room, the boys hands white as he gripped the chair, eyes fixed on him as he simply frowned.

“No…you can’t die…”

He turned, pulling them together to kiss the boy like a promise. It was as sweet as it had been on that first day, as beautiful to him as heaven.

“You can’t leave me here. I can’t live without you!”

He pressed his hand to those soft cheeks, holding them as he caught his lovers eyes, to hold them firm, to hold them tight.

“Then I will fight this for you everyday…”

...Please smile for me now. Please. Because I can never bear your hurt, it splits my heart in two and to think for a second of your tears almost kills me. I need you to laugh for me, go down to the lake where we spent so many nights and feed the ducks for both you and I. We always said they were the children we could never have. Don’t forget them, for me...

“There is going to be nothing left of this. When you go, it’s all going to be gone. I won’t have anything”

His love’s tears were soft, glowing in the pale moonlight as they looked over the waters where they met. “We cant even marry because we aren’t allowed! I- I cant even be your widow…” It trailed off, weak and broken, so twinging their fingers together he lifted that hand to his lips. “Then we shall have children together”

The boy scoffed, unable to hide bitterness and not really trying. “Yeah, if one of us miraculously became a woman”
Standing he pulled on that hand, leading them both slowly into the lakes icy cold, clear water. The boy followed without a complaint, shivering as the water lapped against their knees.

From not to far away the ducks began to move to the figures in the water, knowing full well that these were the two that came down nearly everyday to feed them all seeds.

“These can be our babies. They love us in their own way…”

A smile tugged up the corners of the boy’s lips as he wiped at the tears on those cheeks, smiling at his sweet but slightly childish gesture.

“…So we will see them everyday, you and I”

...Please don’t sit in the dark and cry like you used to, because to think that I can’t wipe away your tears now is worse than any physical blow I have ever taken. I can’t be there anymore, I can’t shelter you from the rain but know, please god understand that I want to be...

Quiet echoed through the almost empty apartment, all the windows closed, the lights off, the place having been uncleaned in days. The boys body trembled, shoving into the corner of the room while blood trickled down over thin, elegant fingers. His hands wrapped around those wrists, drawing his love up to the bathroom where he cleaned and bound them in silence, wrapping the boy so tightly in his arms while he was weak, whispering soft comforts and I love you’s into dark, dyed hair.

“I’m so happy you’re here. I felt so alone”

“I’m sorry I left at all”

“I don’t want you to go away anymore.”

“Then I wont. Ever. I will be here for you every day. I promise”

The boy has smiled again, so comforted as the darkness crept away from the edges of the room.

...If I could stand by your side forever until the world had crumpled into ash and dust I would. If I could be your knight in shining armour, to sweep you off your feet every day of your life just to make your heart soar have no doubt that it would happen...

His hand felt cold in the boys, and that coldness shot up a thin arm to encircle a steadily beating heart. Not like his heart, the monitor measuring it giving almost infrequent bleeps.

“I wrote that for you”

With the other hand to boy reached for a pale envelope beside the cold white bed, but he shook his head faintly.

“No. Open it later, when I am…..”

“Dead”

He still hadn’t cried, he was still so calm while right up to these minutes, and the boy hated it, hated being the emotional wreck while not being the one dying.

“I’m so sorry” His voice was quiet.

“For what”

“For not being able to be there for you. Every day”

...I would never, ever let you fall away. Never let you hurt, never let you cry because I want you to be happy every day, I want you to laugh and smile. I want you to be happy, and that is all. That is all that matters to me, Nothing else...

Those bleeps had stopped. The boy sat in coldness, the only one there to see him die.

...Nothing but you...

Now all that existed was echoes and silence.

...Only you...

The letter weighed heavily in weak hands.

...Forever you...

Tears brimming in his eyes.

... I wish I were with you now, because all I ever want is to be home...

But they weren’t allowed to spill, because as the last line was read a weak but brave smiled turned up angel lips. The smile was for him, just as he’s asked.

...Every day...