Author's Note: Okay, so, this chapter is out a little later than the previous chapters, but I wasn't really happy with the original. But then, a few nights ago, I was hit by "inspiration" in the shower, and completely rewrote this chapter. Hopefully, you'll enjoy this chapter just as much.

Also, a new year's just begun, but sadly, winter break is ending for me soon. It's back to school, and the piles of homework, for me. That means less time for me to write, and for those of you who haven't done the math yet, it means my updates will probably be a bit more spanned out. Hopefully, school won't affect my writing with anything too dramatic? cross fingers

Sun, Rhymes with Irony

Chapter Four: Gyrate’N’Gyros and Garden Gnomes
(Or, Happy New Year’s Bizotches)

“Gabriel, please, just let go of me so I can just-”

“No!”

“Aw come on, I promise I won’t hurt it that much, just a -”

“Tessa, no! It’s just a baby…”

“Are you serious? She’s had if for three years!”

“Still, that doesn’t mean you can take out your anger management issues on it.”

“Okay, what if I take it out on her gnomes instead?”

“Tess, it’s still no!”

“Aw, why not?”

“For one, the gnomes never did anything to you, and two, that’s just so fucking random.”

“Are you kidding me? The gnomes annoy me just by existing! They. Must. Die!”

“Come on, will you just stop it? Holding you back is really killing my arms…”

“Okay, what if I promise not to hurt the one in the yellow hat. You like that one, right? Ack, okay, stop choking me!”

“Tess…Promise you won’t harm Mrs. Cadrigle, her poodle, or her garden gnomes. Or her station wagon for that matter.”

“Damn, what are you psychic? How’d you know I was- Ack! Okay, okay, I promise!”

“Really?”

“Really!”

“Okay.” Gabriel finally, finally, lets go of his choke hold around my neck, and I’m finally, finally, allowed to breathe again. Oh, sweet air, I’m so sorry I never realized how precious you are to me until I almost lost you! I promise I won’t even complain about you the next time we take a road trip and pass a cow farm!

Speaking of cows…

“I don’t…get why…you won’t let…me get…revenge…on her….” I pant heavily, still appreciating the awesomeness that is oxygen. I swear, it’s so awesome, we should have some day celebrating it. Wait. Don’t we already have that? I believe it’s called “Spare the Air Day”, but I can’t be too sure since I’ve never participated in it before… Hell, sign me up now!

I take a deep breath, and continue, “You dislike her just as much as I do. You should be happy!”

“That may be true,” Gabriel concedes, placing his both of his hands on either hips,” but that doesn’t mean I want to cause Mrs. Cadrigle any bodily harm!”

Oh please. I roll my eyes. “You’re too nice, Gabriel. How did we ever become friends like this?”

“Because in first grade, you tried to steal my cookie, and when I caught you in the act, I gave you two cookies, and you loved me ever since,” Gabriel shrugs. He moves to sit on the edge of the sidewalk because there’s really no good place to sit in front of my house, and I join him.

We sit there for a while in silence, and I almost forget about my plans to attack Mrs. Cadrigle and her darned poodle…

…until the gnome across the street winks at me. No, that was not just a part of my imagination. I swear it did wink at me!

My left eye does that thing where it twitches uncontrollably, and the urge to do something, anything, violent rises in me.

“Come one, Gabey, just give me one of those itsy bitsy small fireworks to play with, and if it just happened to land in Cadrigle’s lawn, and it just happened to be lit at the time, and if it just happened to break a gnome in the process, well, it was all just an accident right?” I plead, eyeing the box labeled “Gyrate’N’Gyros.”

Gabe sighs, and pushes the box just a little bit further away from me, just enough that if I reached over for it, I still wouldn’t be able to get it. Darn him. I pout, but don’t exactly fight him for it. I’ll show him that I do indeed have control over my anger…

Wait. Something’s wrong. There’s just something that’s ruining this New Year’s Eve, but I can’t seem to put my tongue - or nose - on it. I hesitantly sniff the air.

“Do you smell that?” I hiss at Gabriel, smacking him just as he is about to blow a bubble with his bubblegum.

“Ow, what was that for?” he whines, holding onto his arm.

“Just shut up and tell me if you smell that!” I yell at him, so he does. “So do you smell that?”

“Yeah, but…What is that?”

“I have no idea, but it smells awful,” I answer. We’re both covering our mouths and noses with our sleeves by now. “It smells almost like…”

“Like…”

“Like…” I begin to look around the yard. It couldn’t possibly be -

Gabriel makes a funny face, and coughs, “It smells like dog -”

“Eww, it is!” I scream when I notice a little pile of brown pudding in the corner of our lawn. We both spring up from where we’re sitting, and start flailing our arms around at the disgusting discovery.

I stop though when I hear a dog bark from somewhere close by, and I just know that Cadrigle has something to do with this. Call it a psycho’s intuition.

Gabriel’s still flailing around, so he doesn’t see me when I sneak over to the box and grab one of the numerous fireworks that looks like a stick of dynamite.

Great! Now all I need is something to light it. I search through the box looking for anything that can make a fire. A box of matches, a lighter, a Mushu….Anything will do! Aha! There it is, in the corner of the box, surrounded by a million of loose firecrackers, I see a lighter. I reach out to get it, but a force drags me back out of the box.

“Ack, come on, Gabey, let me go!” I scream. I run for it, but Gabriel grabs onto my hood and pulls me back into a bear hug. Why does Gabriel have to show his affection now of all times?!

“Tessa. Ann. Warren. Stop. This. Now,” Gabriel says through gritted teeth. Of course, I don’t listen. I wonder what’s the easiest way to escape from this without hurting Gabriel at the same time. “Please, for Pete’s sake, remember what happened your cousin Sharon’s wedding with the mango cream wedding cake!”

I pause in my struggle to remember that, and I contently sigh. That day was just completely divine. It took me hours to get all of the whip cream out of my ears, and I went by completely without blame because I was only eight at the time.

“Good times, good times…” I sigh again, but enough of that. I go back to my wild struggling.

“Think about it Gabe. Fireworks aren’t any fun if you don’t use them for anything,” I try to convince him, “And I promise you this will be a whole lots of fun!”

Aha! Being the skinny girl that I am, I manage to slip out of my sweater, but Gabriel’s too fast, and he grabs onto my T-shirt. Damn, no way am I slipping out of my shirt!

“Tess, the only reason Bryant gave us the fireworks was because I promised him that we wouldn’t end up in jail after we use them, and I’m not even sure how legal just using fireworks are here!”

Damn it, why must he be so strong? I begin whine, “Gabriel, please, I just want to-”

“No!”

“Aw come on, I promise I won’t hurt it that much, just a -”

“No!”

“But-”

“No, how many times-”

“What are you guys doing?”

We both freeze, and I finally am able to realize in the positions we’re in. Gabriel has one hand around my waist and the other around my neck, and he’s the only thing holding me up. I’m almost on my knees, one arm pulling on Gabriel’s arm around my neck while my other arm is grabbing a fistful of his hair. Well, this is uncomfortable…

Suddenly, Gabriel lets go, and I fall onto the ground. Why hello there, ground. Would you like to meet my face? No? Well, fine, it’s too pretty for you anyhow.

“We’re not doing anything,” Gabriel answers politely to the person who asked.

I turn around, and I see Soleil blushing at Gabriel, which I find absolutely hilarious. See, even a little girl can’t help but like Gabriel. He’s the freaking irresistible Gabriel Hunt!

But really, I can’t afford the competition, so shoo, little girl, shoo!

“What are you doing out here so late, Soleil?” I ask. “It’s almost twelve, you know.”

At this, her face scrunches up like a frisky rabbit. “It’s no fun inside,” Soleil answers. “All they’re doing is moving boxes and watching TV.”

“You’re name’s Soleil, right?” Gabriel asks with an amused smile, and Soleil answers with a shy nod. Oh stop it, Gabriel, can’t you see what you’re doing to this innocent little girl? Direct your attention to me instead. I can handle it!

“Well, Soleil,” Gabriel continues, “Little kids like you shouldn’t be out here so late. A big dirty monster, like a wolf, could come out and eat you or something. I mean, what if Tessa and I were bad guys?”

“But…But…” Soleil pouts, for a second looking like she really regret coming out, “But my brother’s watching me right now…”

Gabriel cocks his head, obviously interested. “Really, where?”

I roll my eyes at Gabriel’s obvious eagerness, but Soleil answers anyway. “He’s watching us through the window!”

She points at her house, and what do you know, the smart-ass really is watching us all from the window. Is he, like, training to be a stalker or something? He really could be good at it. I think I have a few extra “I R STALKR” T-shirts left over from my middle school days…Not that I was a stalker or anything…Ahem!

I remember how much of a jerk the guy I’m staring at is, so I stick out my tongue at him, and turn around without waiting for his response.

“Damn it, Tessa, I thought you said he was cute!” Gabriel hisses into my ear, quiet enough that Soleil can’t hear.

“I said that I guessed he was cute,” I explain aloud, not really caring if Soleil hears or not. “Why, you don’t think so?”

“He‘s not cute; he’s freaking hot!”

Whaaaat? “Are you kidding me?” I ask incredulously. I will never understand his taste. I turn back at the window to look at Soleil’s brother again, but I only get a glimpse before he suddenly closes the window curtains on me. “Well, I guess he cleans up pretty nicely, but…” Really, I just don’t see it.

“Seriously, I’d tap that in a second!” Gabriel announces, fanning himself dramatically. Oh boy, place a cute boy in front Gabriel and a whole new side of him comes out…Not literally, of course.

“What’s ‘tap that’?” Soleil answers innocently from the sidelines, and the both of freeze, falling into this rather awkward silence.

Gabriel looks at me with his puppy dog eyes expression, and I don’t know if I want to hug him or smack him. I go with the latter. I guess I have to explain it myself.

“Gabriel was, er, talking about your brother,” I slowly and hesitantly answer, not looking at the little girl directly. Well, this is surely awkward.

Her faces scrunches up like a bunny again, and asks, “Why would you want to ‘tap’ my brother?”

Gabriel starts laughing, that bucket-head.

“It’s, er, a game that adults play. It, er, means that Gabriel thinks your brother is cute…” I mumble.

Gabriel snickers and whispers, “I don’t just think he’s cute…” He earns another smack from me for that.

“What are you guys saying to my sister?”

“Well, speak of the devil…” I sigh, slightly annoyed, as I watch said devil lazily stroll up to us. “What are you doing here?” I ask louder.

“To annoy you. Why else?” he retorts smoothly, and the sudden urge to kill rises in me again. Maybe I should just forget about the poodle, and just attack this smart-ass instead. I mean, animal cruelty is unforgivable, but a little manslaughter can’t be that bad, can it? Plus, I don’t know from who, but I heard it works wonders for relieving stress.

Oh damn it, my eye’s twitching again!

Soleil, the quiet little nymph that she is, sneaks up around her brother and begins to tug lightly on her brother’s pants (much to Gabriel’s delight). “Hey, hey. Jess’s-”

“My name is Tessa,” I interrupt with a sarcastic smile. Really, just because I say my name rhymes with Jess does not mean that my name is Jess. Get that right, people!

“Oh yeah,” Soleil agrees with a toothy (or rather, half-toothy) smile. “So yeah, her friend wants to ‘tap’ you, and he thinks you’re cute,” she finishes in almost a whisper, as if she were telling him a secret.

“Is that so?” he asks amusedly, turning to look at Gabriel who has the nerves to freaking blush. “Sorry, man, but I don’t swing that way.”

Being Gabriel’s best friend, I’m able to notice the little things that almost everyone misses. For example, I see the pout on Gabriel’s lips, but he easily hides it, and then the pout is gone.

“Why do you assume that I swing that way?” Gabriel asks, suddenly serious.

Gabriel’s sudden mood swing and the rising tension in the air doesn’t really worry me though. We always do this to anyone new. If he answers wrongly, then Gabe and I will just hate him and ignore him for the rest of our lives. If he answers correctly, well, I still wouldn’t like him and I’d still ignore him for the rest of my life.

The Smart-Ass, however, does not seem to be fazed by the question, surprisingly. Instead, he answers smoothly, “Well, you act like one of my close friends who’s also gay. In fact, your personalities are really similar now that I think about it. And he’s single.”

Oh come on! Did you really have to add that last part? Now, Gabriel’s practically drooling over this new discovery, and I can’t afford to deal with all of this competition! What did I ever do to you? Well, I did say you looked like shit, but you know that I just was telling the truth, right?!

Gabriel gives me a look that reads, “I like this guy,” and I turn around, unable to believe all of this. Gabriel begins asking him personal questions, and I learn more about the new guy than I want to.

For example, full name? Taylor Lee Riley. Age? Seventeen. Birthdate? July 13th Orientation? I’m pretty sure I’m straight. Hometown? Only lived there when I was little, but I’d have to say New York City. Hobbies? A little bit of singing, but I guess I like reading mostly. High School you’re planning to attend since you just moved here? I’m in independent studies…

I’m sick of listening to all of this!….

Not…that I was listening or anything…

Really, I’m not. Actually, I’m eyeing the fireworks again. This is the perfect time since Gabriel’s perfectly distracted. Really, why didn’t I think of this sooner? Because you were listening to the new guy. Shut up, I was not! Denial…

Ahem. Ignoring that little voice, I make my way to the box. On my way there, I make eye contact with Soleil who sees exactly what I am doing. I put a finger to my lips telling her to keep quiet and she nods. Just a few more steps and I will -

“Tess, don’t you dare!” Gabriel yells, grabbing the box from my grip, and once again, I have failed! Why, world, why? Why must you be so cruel to me?

“Gabriel, please! I just need one! I promise I won’t hurt the old lady, just her dog!” I plead, not really caring if I start to sound desperate which I probably do.

“Tess, just because Mrs. Cadrigle’s poodle stole your obviously fake Van’s and chewed it to death, and just because her gnomes are extremely tacky and makes anyone who drives by want to vomit, and just because her poodle left you a really bad-smelling ‘present’ on your lawn for the second time this week, it still doesn’t give you the right to blow up Mrs. Cadrigle or her poodle.”

“What about the -”

“- Or the gnomes,” Gabriel adds finally. Humph. Sometimes, I hate Gabriel for always being one step ahead of me. Right now is a perfect example. I want to bury Gabriel in “hates”, and I’ll sprinkle some on the other guy for not being able to distract someone properly. Speaking of the useless distraction…

“Do you always resort to violence when someone pisses you off?” Soleil’s brother asks me.

I almost don’t want to answer him because of his failing existence, but I do it anyway, just to be nice. “Yeah, don’t you?” I challenge, crossing my arms.

He fixes his eyeglasses that were about to fall apart before answering, “Well, no, not really. I’m a civilized being, you see…”

What? What?! “What?!”

“Well, just because a dog was being a bitch (no pun intended) to you doesn’t mean -”

“Dog!” Soleil screams all of a sudden. Just like any four-year-old, she jumps a feet in the air and into her brother’s arms, whimpering all the while. And what do you know, it’s the devil-dog, Cadrigle’s snotty little poodle, that’s coming toward us.

“Just stand still,” Gabriel tells us which I really don’t understand why. He’s probably just as terrified of the dog as Soleil. Oh, yeah, see his whole body is shaking. He’s still definitely afraid of dogs.

We stand still where we are anyway, only I’m also glaring what I’m hoping to be a painful burning whole on the top of the poodle’s furry little head.

The Smart-Ass just rolls his eyes, and remarks, “The poodle doesn’t even look that dangerous, let alone….”

Wait. Did it just-? Did that poodle just-? No way. Did it really? Oh my God. Oh my freaking God, it did! That poodle just stuck up its leg and peed on his leg! Wait, this poodle is a guy poodle? Who cares? Now, the poodle’s walking away, and the look on the Smart-Ass’s face is to die for.

I can’t help it, I start to laugh really, really, really hard. Gabriel also begins to laugh now that the vicious little scary dog is gone, and my sides are beginning to hurt.

One minute passes…Two…Five… Okay, I need to stop laughing before I lose my precious oxygen again. Didn’t I say I was never going to try to lose it again?

Finally, I stop laughing, and so does Gabriel. I place my hand on my hip and smirk back at Soleil and her brother. “Well?” I ask.

He just stares at me with a blank face for a long time. “Hand me the fireworks.”

“THANK YOU! Aim for the gnome with the red hat first. That’s the ugliest one,” I say cheerily, patting him on the shoulder.

Okay, so maybe Taylor isn’t that bad, I think to myself. But you have to admit, this was an interesting way to start the new year.