he’s just not into you

"If a guy treats you like he doesn't give a shit, he really doesn't give a shit."

Dear N,

I confess I had the hugest crush on you from the first time we ever talked, and as I got to know you, that crush developed into something more. I started to really like you - and I mean REALLY like you in the way that like could possibly turn into … love? Maybe. Maybe I was just fooling myself. I've seen way too many Disney movies and gushed over an embarrassing amount of romantic comedies. I had this whole idea in my head that we had chemistry and there were sparks, but that was just my imagination, wasn't it? It's never going to happen, and I might as well give up now before I fall even further for you, only to be hurt and disappointed in the end.

I like being your friend. I really, really do. I love that I can talk to you about anything and say the most outrageous things to you and you'd only laugh. You're so easy to talk to and hanging out with you feels like one of the most natural things in the world. You do things for me that you wouldn't do for anyone else. I trust you. Given the time, you could end up being one of my best friends. Hell, you probably will. But there's only so much a girl can take. I mean, honestly! I always thought, okay, since I can feel the connection, he must feel it too. But you don't. And if you do, you're not doing anything about it or letting on. So I know I have to face reality: you're not into me the way I'm into you. There is no in between. I can't keep making up excuses for you, reasons why you haven't made a move yet. It's not because you just got out of a relationship, or that you're busy or shy, or even that you don't want a relationship right now. I know all of that. But for my sanity, I need to stop lying to myself. You're not acting like we're just friends because you don't know how I feel (even though, admittedly, I haven't been completely clear or obvious about it, but I feel I've sent you enough hints). You treat me like a friend because that's all you consider me as. And that's all I'll ever be to you. Your goddamn friend. I hate that word.

Unrequited love sucks. I mean, I knew it was hard, but usually in books and movies, the other person eventually notices and it turns out that love wasn't so unrequited after all. But I should know better. This isn't a book or a movie. I'm not going to get you in the end. You'll always consider me your friend, and I'll always call you my friend - but still hope that maybe one day you'll finally see what's right in front of you and go after what you want. Until then, I'm going to focus on myself and put me first. I'm not going to do stupid things or go out of my way for a guy, especially you. I'm tired of sitting, wishing, waiting, hoping you'll come to your senses and grow a pair of fucking balls already and realize I'm not just another girl.

You'll always be the first guy I ever truly, really, honestly, maturely liked. You'll always be the first guy I felt really attracted to. But god, until you come around, I'm going to have my fun. I'm going to do my own thing and if you want to be a part of my life, I'll let you. But my heart isn't yours anymore. I'm putting it away and saving it for the guy who's really going to love and care about me and make it known to me how he feels. Maybe that guy will end up being you, or maybe it won't. But until I know for sure, I'm not wasting any more time waiting for you.

N, I'm giving up on you now because it's hopeless. I don't want to hold out for you when I could be missing out on something really great with someone else. I still really care about you, and I'm pretty sure I always will. But maybe this just isn't meant to happen. Maybe all we're ever meant to be is friends, and I just need to accept that.

-A