Resetting the Timer

by, Cassandra

Not quite what you were looking for, now is it? I’m just an anomaly like that, darlin’, and no one ever knows quite what to expect. Including me. Especially me. I couldn’t tell you who and/or what I am if I wanted to. I just don’t have a clue.

I lost myself in the shadows of Imagination and Illusion. The fog between what is real and what is anything but. The mist hides the lies from prying eyes, but all along, it’s been myself I’ve been hiding from. You wouldn’t look twice if I threw myself head first into that wall you’re always leaning on.

You touch the walls I built to keep you out and me locked safely within everyday. You’ve seen what it takes to keep this mask in place. You know all about those fears that eat away at me every long, dark night. You know… but you’d never understand. And I can’t fault you for that. I wish I didn’t understand.

But, then again, I wish I did understand. Because the truth of the matter is, I don’t. I don’t understand what makes me who I am. I don’t understand why I feel the need to be this way. I don’t understand why your eyes always pass right over me without a second thought. I don’t understand. But I wish I did.

I wish I knew what’s real and what’s not. I wish I could learn to differentiate between myself and who I am not. What I feel and what I’ve only thought. Who she is and who I am. Because the line is becoming less and less clear with every lie that falls from these lips. I don’t want to be lost.

I don’t want to be invisible anymore, but it’s all that I’ve ever know, so how could I ever live without it? I am invisible. Invisibility is me. We’re so wrapped up in each other that I doubt we could ever be torn apart. Not without irreparable harm. Not without dire consequences. I don’t want to be invisible anymore.

If this is what it takes to tears those blinders from your eyes, would I do it? If bleeding is what it takes to finally feel real, would I be able to cut that deep? Would I be able to take the risk to let you in? Would I be able to bear the shame if this doesn’t go my way? Would you ever look at me the same?

If this doesn’t go my way, could I bring myself to repaint this person you’ve always thought was me? Or would this change everything? Would I have to run away? Would you ask me, beg me, to stay? Would you tell me to go away? Pack my bags for me? I need this to go my way.

If this goes my way… well, what do I do then? Do I become this person I’ve always thought I could be? What if she isn’t the perfect fit for me? Do I try again? Clean the slate and start afresh? Leave everything I’ve known and might’ve loved behind? Leave myself behind?

If this goes my way, will I be able to stand on my own two feet? Would I fall on the first step? Would I end up crawling back? Would I sweep it all under the rug and forget that I ever had a taste of the freedom I’ve been craving? Would I let you beat me down? Would I pretend again?

I can hear the clock ticking down, and every second that passes just makes it that much harder. I don’t want this pressure. I never asked for this… but maybe I did. I didn’t ask to be put into this world. I didn’t ask to be broken. I didn’t ask for these unanswered questions. I asked for answers. They always come in the form of more questions though, don’t they?

So, riddle me this. Do I let go of who I think I might be to embrace who I think I’ve never been, or do I let go of who I am to become who I could someday maybe be? Am I really this person I see staring back at me? Is there really more then the eye can see? Am I as shallow as I appear to be? Will I crack if I break this mirror in front of me?

tickticktickticktickticktick

Time’s almost up. Find what you’re looking for yet, or do you need a little more time to pick my brain apart?

Let’s reset the timer, please. Time is moving way too fast for me.