The Story without a Title

Everybody wants to read a story with a happy ending. I don’t know why they’re so popular, or well, I do. It’s because people want to hope their earnest wishes will come true, no matter how may obstacles life puts in their path, isn’t it? And that’s the gist of it, hope. Without hope there’s no optimism, without optimism there’s no will, without will there’s no outcome –the happy ending-. That’s why they desperately seek stories with happy endings, to convince themselves that a proverbial hand will clear their path for themselves and that with just a little effort they’ll meet their desired goal.

Things aren’t, sadly, always like that. It’s true that a few lucky people get what they want, and naturally, they flaunt it in front of others to reaffirm themselves. Maybe they think if they keep quiet luck will turn the tables and take what they were given, I don’t really know what kind of crap goes through their head, since I’m not really a lucky person.

I sound like a jaded person, don’t I? It’s only a mere coincidence my name is Jaden, a bit more and I’d be called Jaded by everybody, but that is not the point. I will only compliment those lucky people on one thing, and that is that to reach what their hearts desire is they have to be brave enough to unravel life’s mysteries and face a possible humiliation.

Those are my conclusions after- Well, how to put this simply… I liked a girl. No big shock there, right? She was a pretty little thing, not exceptionally beautiful, but there was something about her that made her stick out in the crowd, like a flower in a sea of weed; any flower, really.

I was the bee attracted to the honey in the flower. That sounds not too nice, but that’s just how it was. Whenever she was around I felt this undeniable force that pulled me towards her; I sometimes found myself standing a bit too close to be normal and had to step down some steps lest someone –or her- noticed the odd proximity.

We had some friends in common in high school, so sometimes we sat together to eat lunch. Everybody chatted amiably about whatever topic of the day, but I could never talk. The quick padding of my heart against my ribcage forced me to stay silent; perhaps if I spoke my heart would come out rolling out my mouth. I just got so nervous whenever she was close to me… and those few times we sat next to each other passed painfully slowly, I wishing I could do something else but poke needlessly at my uneaten food, I wishing I could start a smart conversation with her- or anyone, that would at least drive her attention to me and maybe impress her with my funny remarks. But that never happened; I was always silent, hearing and watching rather than taking part in the general talk.

I was always like that, the onlooker from the outside that was inside. I belonged to the group of friends, I even went on outings with them and studied at their houses, we got along well, but we –at least them and I- weren’t really close, I never bothered to get to know them down to the pat, and they didn’t either. It was all my fault; I was and still am a closed up person, preferring to be a side dish instead of a main course.

This, of course, made it harder for me to strike up a conversation with her. I wondered if it’d look too weird if I did, if people –her- would think strangely of my intentions, if I’d make myself too blatantly obvious. Those were always the thoughts that ran frantic in my head and collided against one another and mixed with my fears of being rejected they always made me stay aside…

I couldn’t really understand back then that I was being stupid, that if I didn’t make a move she would never know I wanted to be with her, so she wouldn’t consider the possibility. I was engrossed in the fact that she hadn’t shown anything that possibly told she liked me, the quiet guy that always stood in the corner. That was until one day I had an epiphany; I woke up in an extraordinarily good mood and decided I’d do something for my sorry ass; the truth is that I had gone momentarily mad by I bad hit I took on the head while waking up and falling off bed, so in a fleeting second I thought: I’ll ask her to prom today.

I’ve never really liked those social parties where people go to make fools of themselves and show off their dresses and dates, but what the hell, that was the last prom of our high school career, and I felt like indulging in a grand farewell. I dutifully spent the whole day doing the due, staring at her in classes and paying zero attention to the lectures, thinking about her when she wasn’t in my class, my right foot tapping against the floor in the anxiousness I felt. My whole being could barely wait until lunch came, where I’d see her and discretely ask for a moment to talk to her. Would I chicken out? Somehow it felt as though it was my last chance, and I didn’t want to screw it up again.

With much effort –and a hyperventilating session- I worked up my courage to my usual chair in our lunch table. I sat there, every fibre of my being twitching in anticipation for the moment I’d see her walk through the main door, like she always did, smiling broadly and jumping excitedly like she used to do.

The moment came, and just as I had predicted she bounced to our table looking happier than usual. Her friend was chattering loudly next to her, making several heads turn her way; she didn’t pay them any heed seeing as she was in her own land, and neither did I, because my eyes were glued to the face of the apple of my eyes.

There are some points in life where you feel something tickle up your spine, to the most sensitive it can be easily classified as dread, to the average it feels like apprehension, but to the numb skulls usually it’s just a bad feeling. Then she said the words,

“Kyle just asked me to prom!”

And it was as though a mirror had broken inside my head and I could slowly see my resolution and my dream shattering to tiny pieces. Some of the girls of the group gasping and asking if it was true, because that Kyle fella was the- what do they call it? The most popular guy in school. All I remember doing was sighing and thinking to myself that how could I be so stupid, thinking I had a chance.

Isn’t it ironic? The day I decided to make my move was the day I lost the game because someone beat me to it. Needless to say, I didn’t go to the last prom…

We graduated after that and I prepared myself to never see her again. After the ceremony ended I wasted no time and weaved my way out of the crowd. Mentally I told her good bye and wished her good luck with her life.

But I couldn’t get her out of my head, even years later. Was that taking an infatuation a bit too far? I feared I’d go insane thinking about her, I feared becoming a stalker and eventually doing something bad… So I tried to focus on my College studies, on becoming a respectable person, on learning to be without her. I even tried getting a girlfriend to see if another girl could replace her. It only lasted for about a month; she looked too much like her…

Was it wrong to be so fixated on a girl, without even actually having been with her? Was I fucked up in the head for liking her even after years of being apart? Or even more, to keep harbouring feelings for her even though they were never corresponded or manifested. Could I move on?

I thought I did, once I recognized I had some serious healing to do.

One afternoon I was walking somewhere in campus, I can’t recall the exact location; I was reading a book for I had a test in the next class, I wasn’t really paying attention to where I was going, it was a miracle I hadn’t bumped against someone. Then a voice called me, it sounded sweet and friendly and I thought in a detached manner that I didn’t know of anyone who spoke to me in such a kind way.

Then I looked up and saw her. She looked beautiful, as though time had had the opposite effect to what was normal. She used to be pretty, but that afternoon there seemed to be a glow to her face that hadn’t been there before; I almost dropped the book, her sight just undid me that way, but I caught it on time when it was slipping from my grasp. Unceremoniously I grabbed it and tucked it under my arm, nervously running a hand through my slightly long hair, willing my heart to slow down the pace because I didn’t want to die from a stroke in front of her.

“Hey there Jaden, it’s been a long time, hasn’t it?” She tilted her head to a side making her dark chocolate eyes catch the sunlight and her strawberry blonde hair brush her cheek gently. I noticed all those details being transfixed by her presence, and I also saw how her cheeks were slightly pink because of the biting autumn cold, and how the brown woollen coat would have looked tacky in a normal girl but just fine in her, and how her hands held each other strongly because they were covered by no gloves.

My head shook slightly and I cleared my throat, “Yeah, I guess.” It was the first time we had actually talked to each other without third parties in the middle, and she spoke as if we had been tight friends that hadn’t seen each other in, I don’t know, two months.

“And what have you been up to, lately?” She asked, smiling lightly and biting her lower lip, causing my eyes to stay there for a moment. “Why did you vanish after school?”

I blinked at the sudden question, not knowing what to say. “Um, what?”

“We called you to hang out with us in summer, but you just never replied. There was even this huge party at Kyle’s,” At the mention of the name I ground my teeth, “But you never appeared. Why was that?”

She tilted the side of her head again, and what could I say? That I felt humiliated by my own silent failure? Or that I really didn’t like our friends enough to keep in contact with them? I was and am a loner, it’s that same attitude what made it impossible for me to ever share a conversation with her. Maybe they thought I believed I was better than them, like they weren’t worthy of my time, when in reality it was the other way around. I wasn’t good enough to socialize because I didn’t know or want to come out of my shell. Why would I bother then to stretch bonds with a bunch of people I would hardly see again because I didn’t even want to, I thought. It probably was completely stupid of me, because not seeing them implied no seeing her… but that was the self imposed punishment for being such a coward and losing my last chance. That damn Kyle got her, after all.

And so I replied with a noncommittal tone, “I was just busy.”

Something flashed in her eyes, a shadow that turned her expression somewhat sour, and I wondered what the reason was for that. After all, she wasn’t my friend, we never talked, why would she feel… anything, about me pulling a Houdini. We stood there staring at each other, the dull thump of my heart becoming slower as I wondered what I should do. I looked at my watch, hoping the class would start soon and I could get away from that awkward moment as soon as possible. I was looking for words in my head on how to end it –nothing about how I’d been pinning for her all that time and that I was sorry I was coming across as such a jerk- when someone came into my range of vision.

It was Kyle. He came running towards us, or should I say towards her? The next thing I knew was that they were kissing each other in front of my jade eyes –jade eyes, Jaden for name, jaded for heart; amusing isn’t it?-. I turned around, feeling a hand rip a hole in my chest to squeeze my heart tightly. Words weren’t needed to say good bye, I didn’t care anymore if she thought I was rude. What was the point? She was still with her high school sweetheart.

I remember a chilly laugh escaping my lips as I walked towards the classroom. I failed that test as well; I couldn’t get the image of the two of them together away from my thoughts.

After that there was no way I could manage to get her off my head. I had managed to relatively get on with my life, but after that… Ugh, I even saw her name in a fucking letter soup. I also had a knack for finding her in the halls, while before that encounter I had never seen her around. Did I ever think it was fate giving us a chance? No. Every time she was hand in hand with Kyle, the two of them talking, smiling at each other…

I couldn’t stand it. My parents didn’t understand why I suddenly moved to a different College, and I couldn’t give them the real reason either, because it wasn’t strong enough. I also wasn’t strong enough, and since the place wasn’t all that special or outstanding for my Curriculm Vitae and I didn’t have any friends there it wasn’t all that relevant of a decision.

I had a second girlfriend in my new College. I really liked her but… We broke up after a couple of months and remained as friends. I liked her so much that I made the mistake of telling her about the girl I liked since school that I still had feelings for…

Why did I like her so? Why? We never talked, we never…

I grew up into a bitter individual, unable to love somebody else because I was plagued by memories of a girl I was beginning to idealize in my head. To me she was everything and perfect, she was the star that shed her light over my endless night. And even so I hadn’t seen her since that encounter, not even once.

Eventually I understood that loving, or more accurately, relationships weren’t for me. I couldn’t bring myself to get over her and thus I couldn’t like someone else. I couldn’t live up to my wish, and I couldn’t get over my failure.

I got a job at an accountant firm, even though I had graduated in something different. It was a boring and monotonous job, fitting for a person without goals in life like me, who lived only for the sake of his old parents not worrying for him. I went and came everyday, doing the exact same work, eating the exact same food, enduring the exact same speeches from my boss. It was a never ending routine that was broken by no one, until one afternoon I rode the company’s elevator after coming from another lonely lunch. Someone called my name tentatively, and just because it was an oddity in itself –basically only my boss talked to me- I was surprised enough to flinch like I had been slapped in the face with a wet fish.

I turned around slowly, there was only one person in the elevator besides me and as luck would have it, it ended up being her. She wasn’t as radiant as that time she caught me reading, there was a weary look to her that I had never seen, as if she was tired. Even her chocolate eyes were worn-out, like the years had passed slowly but in a larger amount than they really did. I couldn’t bet I looked like a million bucks; I was thinner than I had ever been and the hair had started to fall from the crown of my head.

“Hello.” That time I started the conversation; my heart no longer beat at an inhumanly fast speed, and I no longer felt the need to prove something. The word defeated rang in my head.

“Hi, Jaden,” She tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. I saw the white opaque pearl on her slightly descended earlobe. There were some wrinkles in her face, around her eyes and between them, and a fine line next to her mouth, but she kept some of her charm. I didn’t know she worked in the same company; then again, I wasn’t all too social either. “It’s been a long time, again, right?” The slow smile that formed her lips transported me back to that autumn afternoon, where she said almost the same words.

I looked at my brown shoes for a moment. So many questions ran amok in my head. Had she married? Did she have kids? But most importantly, was she happy? Bleary I looked up, “It has been a while. How are you?”

There it was, that rueful smile again. “I’ve been fine, and you?” I tried to smile, to say I was okay, but it came more like a grimace. I noted the elevator being relatively slower than usual, or that perhaps it was my discomfort playing with my mind’s time, but a while passed until she broke the ominous silence again, “How… How has life treated you?”

I stared at her. Like crap? Or should I simply lie and say I couldn’t be better? In the end I couldn’t say a thing; it brought a déjà vu feeling to me as it made me remember my behaviour back in our school days.

“I married Kyle,” She smiled back at me, watching my reaction through dim eyes. I remained still, unable to even feel… anger, or anything that reminded me how much I cared for that girl- woman who now stood before me stating she had married someone else. She nodded, as if I had said something, and continued talking smoothly, “We’ve had two kids,”

“Congratulations,” I said dryly, checking on my watch to see if I was late. I was not, in fact late, but early. A thing that only happened because I had nothing better to do and had nothing to interrupt my routine. I didn’t have a wife, after all, who called me to go have lunch with her, or kids to pick from school, or friends to steal time from work so I shared some with them. I had nothing.

“Yes, thanks,” We waited; only two levels went by. She rocked on the balls of her feet and I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I felt like a trapped animal. “You know,” She started, and I looked at her from the corner of my eye. “I… I,” She licked her lips and looked down. I thought she’d remain silent like that, but she proved me wrong. “I was really surprised back then, when I saw you.”

“When you saw me?” I asked without interest.

“Yes, you were reading and walking. Alone,” I checked my watched again. “Just like you used to do in school.”

Those words hurt me. I wanted to shout at her, for some strange reason, that she didn’t know a thing about me, that she couldn’t understand what went on with me for recognizing me. I didn’t, though; I had matured enough to not over-talk, not that I ever did, anyways.

She licked her lips; the elevator stopped and I felt thankful. I didn’t want to be in her presence anymore, it brought down my defences and façades. But it didn’t stop in any of our floors; only that three people walked in, talking amongst each other, and she used that to get closer to me.

“I wondered for a while where you had gone to. Not only that afternoon after you disappeared, but after school and during College. It was as though you had fallen off the earth’s surface.” There was a hard edge to her words.

I let out a sigh, “I’m sure everybody was just fine without me.”

“You don’t understand,” She laughed nervously and grabbed her suitcase, the elevator was coming to a stop again, and it seemed like she was going to step down from it. My eyes widened when she grabbed hold of my wrist, and with a vehement expression she spoke words I wished I would have heard sooner from her lips, “I would have liked it if you stuck around. Maybe… Maybe things would have been different.”

With that, and one last smile she walked out the open doors of the elevator, taking my life and my energy away with her.

I couldn’t work well that afternoon. What would have happened if I hadn’t been such a chicken? What would have happened if I hadn’t waited until lunch to ask her to prom, or if I had found the courage to speak to her before? Maybe I wouldn’t be such a wreck now, but there’s no way to find that out now…

Happy endings are things not everybody is blessed with, only the brave, lucky people are, those who aren’t afraid of going through a little hardship and are focused to reach a goal.

My happy ending never came because I never took a chance, because I didn’t want to leave the comfort of my shell. What good did hiding do me, in the end? I ended alone and full of regret, thinking about what if’s that will never happen.

Happy New Year! The 2007 is ending! How cute.

Armith-Greenleaf