Summary: slashoneshot Kale doesn’t watch porn. He watches people eat apples.

Though it was almost noon, a cinnamon colored kitchen slowly filled up to the brim with the scent of coffee and freshly showered humans. A woman and a man sat sipping their coffee, each with a newspaper awkwardly brandished in hand. Footsteps padded out onto the tile and terse good mornings were exchanged.

An empty stomach rumbled and its owner obliged it by setting course dead ahead. Refrigerator ho! Hands stumbled through frigid air in order to clumsily unearth the desired edible treasure.

Kale’s mouth watered as he took the long awaited first bite of crisp fruit flesh. He snapped off a chunk of the Macintosh apple and pulled it into his mouth, delighting in the fresh texture. In his mind, apples were to be considered the sustenance of the gods.

He’d always had a slight predicament during school when the lunch line was munificent enough to pass out free fruit. The image of so many attractive boys biting into his favorite food always turned him on more than any provocative movie ever could. Why? Because he knew that if he planted his mouth on theirs, their lips would undoubtedly taste like his favorite aphrodisiac.

He polished off his own apple and its core with greedy abandon before pouring himself a thermos of liquid energy. He slid his feet into awaiting thongs and, after a brief goodbye to his parental units, found himself out the door and pointed toward work.

His feet lazily followed the sidewalk, occasionally stopping to wind up and release, launching a small stone or two further ahead. A few people that passed by tossed him irritated glances but he ignored them. Instead he frowned and sucked on his bottom lip, savoring the last bit of apple flavor that lingered. Thoughts of a wasted summer swam through his head as he drew closer to his destination.

Working at Jenny’s catering service wasn’t horrible. It beat working at some fast food place, but Kale was still disappointed with the way that his summer was going. He barely had any time to hang out with his friends. He didn’t add his best friend Lillian into that equation because he had to spend all too much time with her.

Partners in crime? Not so much since their elementary days. Partners in sucky minimum wage work? That was a definite yes…

Okay, so the job paid really well, but the fiscal incentive was barely enough to make up for some of the things he’d had to do on the job. There was the Buttered Pig Incident, the Potato Salad Massacre and most traumatizing of all, his one time run in with an absolutely baked-out-of-his-mind man by the name of Mr. Bartholomew Bean.

Kale shook his head to rid himself of the images that sprang to mind of that particularly unsavory dinner party and ghosted up the steps of an immaculate white building. He slipped through the doors and punched in.

Good, Lillian was there already. He walked through the bustling kitchen and stopped in front of his best friend.

“Good afternoon, love,” was Lillian’s cheeky hello as she helped to dry some of the dishes left over from the cooking shift. “Are you ready to serve swanky rich people some horridly tasty food?”

“Unfortunately,” he sighed and eyed her outfit and makeup. “What’s up with your face? And where’s our regular uniform?” he asked, his suspicions rising. Not even the gentle aroma of food made him feel better as his stomach began to sink.

“I’m going to ignore the face comment,” Lillian glared at him but continued anyway, “We’re not wearing them. Apparently the client is rich enough with just enough anal retentive mixed in to have new uniforms designed just for tonight. Jenny said to be thankful that she didn’t get coerced into letting them get away with dressing us up any more than they did. This client is going a little over the top in my opinion but at least it’s more comfortable than our usual attire.”

“Just a little over the top?” was Kale’s response as he looked her up and down. Lillian was wearing clothing that screamed, “Here lies the misfit love child conceived of formalwear and punk fashion!” Somehow the tight leather pants and bondage boots looked oddly formal when mixed with a spotless white silk polo and red tie. Black fingerless gloves came up to her elbow. Kale decided that her makeup looked like it had been painted on with a roller. He shared this thought aloud and Lillian decided to burn holes through him with her eyes.

“I actually agree with you. I feel like I have a ton of gunk on my face,” an older woman’s voice snorted and Kale grimaced at Jenny when he saw her makeup. Hers was no better. He eyed the bundle in her arms with extreme mistrust.

“You guys are not getting me to wear makeup like that. Sorry. They can take their money and shove it.”

The two females glared at him.

“You don’t have to wear the makeup if you don’t want to Kale. But you need to wear the clothes provided. That’s all I ask. Jonathan, Noah, Jim and Quin did it, so you can too,” was Jenny’s response. “And you need to stop swearing so much.”

Kale ignored her plea for fewer expletives and ground his teeth at the mention of Quin.

“Stupid asshole probably squealed with delight,” he muttered under his breath.

“I heard that, young man,” Jenny snapped and Kale adopted a petulant kicked puppy face, “I want you to be on your best behavior concerning him tonight. I know you two had a pretty harsh break up but this is time for work, not petty personal differences,” was Jenny’s warning before she shoved the bundle of clothes into Kale’s arms and stalked off shouting something at two guys who were playing pass with a can of Sterno.

“Why was I the last one to know about this whole uniform thing?” Kale sighed and rubbed his face between his hands. He didn’t want to think about Quin right now.

Lillian elbowed him with a smile before putting the last of the plates away.

“Because Jenny knew you’d put up a big stink about it. I think the truth is that she was scared you’d get everyone to see sense and get us to wear our regular uniforms. She really just wants to wear bondage boots and you were a dangerous threat that was best kept in the dark.”

“Sure,” Kale dragged the word out sarcastically but there was a smile playing at his lips. “You always know how to cheer me up.”

Lillian’s face grew solemn.

“How’re things at home?”

“Still Hell,” he laughed mirthlessly. “Dad’s still convinced that it’s just a phase and Mom thinks it’s because I’m under demonic attack.”

“Things will get better, babe. You just have to get through this summer and then you’re off to New England, surrounded by all those pretentious, Ivy-League sycophants,” she paused here and tapped her chin, “I’m not helping with the whole Princeton thing am I?”

“Not really, no,” he grimaced and noticed that people were filing out of the kitchen with victuals in tow. “I’m gunna go get changed real quick.”

“Okay. I’ll leave your boots by the kitchen door. We’re riding with Jenny today.”

Kale turned to go to the changing room but hesitated.

“Hey Lillian?”

“Yes?”

“You wanna let me borrow some eyeliner?” He hastily added, “Only because I feel like an idiot if I’m going to be the only one who isn’t wearing any.”

“I thought you didn’t want any,” she eyed him incredulously but cracked a smile when he pouted.

“Okay you big baby. I’ll help you out.”

“Yay!” he grinned for the first time that day and they dashed off to the changing rooms.

---

Kale served food and drink like a madman to his designated tables and he was singularly involved in this task when his eye caught Lillian at the head table flirting with the cute redheaded guy that Jenny had informed him was the birthday boy. The odd thing was that they were both smiling secretively in his direction. Creepy…

Lillian shot him a kilowatt grin and he furrowed his brows in confusion. He shook his head in exasperation and turned back to work but he could still feel their eyes on his back. He quickly finished replenishing everyone’s water and made his way toward Lillian, his curiosity urging him against his better judgment. Lillian saw him coming their way and leaned down to quickly whisper something into Birthday Boy’s ear. Kale frowned and he had the feeling that he was about to get embarrassed by Lillian’s new boyfriend.

Just as he reached the head table, the lights dimmed and Birthday Boy stood up and gestured to Lillian. She left with a wink at Kale and he scowled as he started to follow her.

A hand shot out and grabbed his wrist.

His heart imploded and then started back up going 100 bpm. He should have known. There was little he could do except force himself not to deck the guy. If he did, Jenny would probably declare “Off with Kale’s head!” tonight. Kale kind of liked his head where it was…

“Hey everyone!” All of the chattering died down as the redhead began to speak. “Thanks for coming this evening. I know my dad probably went a little overboard with all of this but who are we to complain?” the birthday boy grinned and his guests laughed and cheered indulgently. Kale’s wrist was still in the guy’s steadfast grip and there was nothing to do but try not to scowl.

“Turning seventeen isn’t as important as eighteen I suppose but it’s been a blast and I’m glad you all could make it. But now that we’ve fed you dinner… it’s time for cake!”

Raucous cheers burst out from all ten of the tables as Jenny and Noah brought out the gargantuan cake. Birthday Boy grinned. Kale wanted to roll his eyes because his eighteenth birthday was tomorrow and it wasn’t that big of a deal but he was too impressed with Birthday Boy’s pearly whites to tear his eyes away.

“You may have noticed that I’ve captured one of the caterers to cut my cake for me. I wanted this one specifically because his friend told me that his birthday is this week as well!” Birthday Boy was all smirk now and he turned to Kale, “So what’s your name sexy caterer man?”

Kale flushed.

A hundred people dressed in artfully ripped clothes, band t-shirts, and sickeningly expensive jewelry that must have cost a fortune were split into groups of ten to each massive table.

Kale swallowed as all of their eyes and lecherous grins turned to him.

The birthday boy of this wonderful party was smirking to the left of him. As a self-conscious person, Kale was suddenly very aware of the dark eyeliner that lined his brown eyes and the way that his black hair had been messily spiked that morning. He felt naked in the skintight pants and body hugging polo. The material stuck to him uncomfortably because of the perspiration that broke out all over his body.

Sexy caterer man?

He felt an angry frown willing to magically appear on his face as he began to wonder what Lillian and Birthday Boy had been giggling about earlier. Did she think it was that funny to embarrass him like this? Did Birthday Boy think it was funny to single him out like this? What did Kale ever do to his stupid rich ass? That’s right. Nothing.

He fought to keep his expression neutral as he politely pointed to his nametag. Birthday Boy arched an eyebrow at him and fought to read the name in the candlelight of the cake.

“Okay then everybody! Let’s sing happy birthday to sexy caterer Kale and I!”

Kale shot a death inducing glare at the group of caterers in the back. Apparently they were content to hide their smiles behind their hands instead of helping him.

Kale gritted his teeth as the song began.

“Happy birthday to you!” Birthday Boy pinched him and he joined in with a gruff, “Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday,” here he heard a smattering of “Felix”, “Kale” and “sexy caterer man.” “Happy birthday to you!”

Felix—he assumed this was Birthday Boy’s name—blew out the candles. The lights came back on as everyone clapped and Felix passed the knife to what Kale hoped was a grumpy looking caterer but instead of letting him cut it alone the redhead placed his arms around Kale and used the position to press his chest to Kale’s back. Kale tried to focus on the cold hands that ensconced his larger sweaty ones and not the wall of heat behind him.

When all of the guests burst out in catcalls and whistles he realized with a sudden stab of anger that he was being used a freaking scapegoat for Felix to get attention. Felix most likely wasn’t even interested in Kale at all. He was being used. Again. Kale flushed darker and began to cut the cake as quickly and efficiently as he could while being royally pissed off at the attractive young male who was currently invading his personal bubble.

Every moment of cutting that cake was pure torture. His entire body was tensed up with humiliation. He looked up once to find Quin’s bright blue eyes studying him with disdain. Quin wanted to be the one up there with everyone’s attention on him. Quin wanted to be the one getting frosting all over his fingers as he slid pieces of cake off of the knife’s edge and onto gilded plates. Kale hated Quin even more than ever at that moment and started to hack the cake up with renewed fervor.

“Stupid attention whore,” Kale ground out and glared in Quin’s direction as he ignored Felix’s ever-present heat.

“Easy there big boy. Is that an ex-boyfriend or something? Should I be jealous?” Felix laughed in Kale’s ear and if Kale had been tense before, now he was rigid.

“That’s it,” Kale slammed the knife into the remaining cake. He broke away from Felix’s hold and grabbed the nearest caterer, ordering him to finish cutting the cake. He grabbed Felix’s arm and dragged the younger boy out into the hallway, trying to make his actions as smooth and nonviolent as possible.

When they were alone he rounded on the redhead.

“Look Felix. I’m a professional who is paid to be here. I don’t have to put up with this sexual harassment from anyone. I played along that far because I didn’t want to make a scene. I’m not some ‘sexy caterer guy’ to be used as a gimmick for attention. I am a person. I’ve been through this kind of situation before with my ex and I’m sick of it okay asshole? You picked the wrong guy to fool around with because, guess what? I’m not interested in playing your game. I’m serious when I say that I’ve been used and I don’t appreciate having clients doing it to me as well. If you’re looking for someone to ham it up with you, I recommend my ex. His name is Quin and he’s the one with the neon green nail polish. I hope you two have fun.” Kale ground out dangerously and he made as if to leave.

Green eyes widened, then narrowed. Kale hesitated.

“I was only joking around, Kale. I guess I can understand why you’d think that I was using you for attention but I wasn’t. For the record,” Felix placed his hand on Kale’s shoulder, “I’m sorry.”

“Please refrain from touching me sir,” Kale’s smile was deadly. “I hope you enjoy your cake and the remainder of your party.”

“Actually, I’m diabetic,” Felix stuck a tongue out at Kale and produced an apple from one of the pockets of his parachute pants.

Kale’s brown eyes widened and he froze as Felix bit into the apple with a vengeance.

Kale found it oddly ironic that anyone else would probably be fantasizing that Felix had a piece of chocolate frosted birthday cake to bite into instead. But here he was, staring at the boy he just told off because of an apple. Oh sweet, heavenly apples.

Or more accurately it was because of the boy’s piercing green eyes. The artfully mussed curls, gleaming a crimson color that he suddenly wanted to tangle his fingers in. Kale couldn’t look away and he found himself wondering if he had overreacted a little. Just because Quin had used him to get attention didn’t mean that Felix had been trying to.

Maybe Felix had been trying to get his attention.

Kale felt like a heel.

Felix’s lips were dark red as he chewed the fruit slowly. He turned his eyes to Kale and grinned.

“Your friend told me that if all else failed in my attempted seduction I should eat an apple. Do you have some kind of pervy fetish I ought to know about? She said it might get a little rough and to use it as a last resort only.”

Kale watched Felix’s lips as they formed the words and he dragged his eyes up to meet the redhead’s green ones. He silently cursed Lillian for knowing about his vulnerability to apple eaters. Felix took another bite of the apple and Kale watched, entranced, as the teenager’s lips closed around the fruit.

“Jesus, I need to kiss you. Right now.”

“What?” Felix’s face was filled with utter and complete surprise as he talked around the piece of food in his mouth. “Are you serious? I don’t want to do anything with you just because you have some quirk for apples. I may come off as easy but I’m not that easy.”

“But I bet you taste so fucking good,” Kale whined and swallowed when Felix nervously licked his lips. Kale automatically advanced on Felix and Felix soon found himself trapped against the wall.

“Uh, Kale?”

“Mhmm?” Kale hummed and met Felix’s hungry eyes. They mirrored his own.

“Do you think you’d want to stay for the rest of the party? It would make up for you not getting me a present,” Felix’s smile was uncertain.

“How would I get home?” Kale asked with amusement tipping his lips.

“Uh,” Felix nervously cleared his throat, “You could sleep over, if your parents are okay with it or whatever.”

“They can shove it,” his voice came out harsher than he intended. He softened it a bit as he continued. “I only want to stay as long as you don’t plan on going farther than making out… Maybe some cuddling if you feed me an apple or two to sate my appetite. I’m not easy either. I’m a firm believer in only having sex when you know you’re in love with the person,” was Kale’s firm reply.

Felix grinned as Kale pressed harder against him as though challenging him to ask for more.

“I’m not that strict but hey, making out and cuddling with you? Best birthday present ever.”

Kale tried not to snort and failed. Felix glared for a moment before a smile spread over his face. Kale noticed that Felix had freckles. For some reason it seemed really important that he noticed it. Just like how Felix’s hands were cold and that there was a faint blush on the redhead’s cheeks. Kale liked this, whatever it was.

“Now that that’s over and done with… Can I kiss you now?” was Kale’s breathy request.

“Uh, o-oka—,” Felix didn’t even get to finish granting Kale permission before the older boy’s mouth was pressed against his.

The hand that had held Felix’s apple twined up to the back of Kale’s neck.

The Macintosh landed silently, forgotten on the floor.

---

CHALLENGE: I will write a oneshot that is between 2 to 5 thousand words for the first person that can tell me what the joke is with the pothead Mr. Bartholemew. It’s really stupid but I enjoyed putting it in. I want to see if anyone caught it. The winner gets to tell me what they want me to write. You can give me rules and such to abide by. It’s all up to you. It might take me a while to write it but hey, I give the winner permission to kick my ass into gear by annoying the hell out of me however they see fit. If you win, I’ll send you a message asking for all the rules or details that you desire for the piece.

A/N: I don’t know how I feel about this oneshot. I like it in some ways but I don’t like it in others. I feel as though my dialogues suck… But yeah, Kale’s fetish is actually one of mine. When I see people eat apples I get –coughhornycough- because I think of how if I just sucked on their bottom lip, how they’d taste so fucking good…

But you didn’t want to know that sooooo… I don’t own Sterno or Macintosh apples… I wish I did. That’d be feckin’ sweet.

Take it easy y’all.