A/n: This is a songfic, done to Anna Nalick’s ‘Breathe (2 AM)’. It’s my interpretation of the song. The first three “drabbles” aren’t true (at least for me… unfortunately, they may be all too true for some), but the fourth is sort of about me and my life. So, let me know what ya’ll think, please.

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Breathe

by, Cassandra

Dated: Jan 1, 2008

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I walk slowly, her clammy hand grasped tight in mine. Silence reigns. Words won’t do any good now. Her mind is set as she pushes through the glass doors into the sterile waiting room.

An upper class woman in the front row looks up, her gaze assessing and dismissing. A young girl, trembling in the corner, barely glances up, but it’s not easy to miss the pain and fear in her eyes. The woman behind the desk peers out from behind her glasses, her distaste showing clearly in her eyes. Her voice is cold and judging as she asks, “Can I help you?”

I shudder, squeezing her hand tighter. I can’t change her mind now. It’s her choice, and I can only be there to pick up the pieces later. My feelings don’t matter now.

Hours later, I hold her close as she cries, biting my lip to keep the words in.

I knew this would kill her.
-----

Two Am, and she calls me, ‘cause I’m still awake.
“Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don’t love him. Winter just wasn’t my season.”
Yeah, we walk through the door, so accusing their eyes.
Like they have any right at all to criticize.
Hypocrites. You’re all here for the very same reason.

‘Cause you can’t jump the track; we’re like cars on a cable.
And life’s like an hourglass glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands and breathe.
Just breathe. Oh, breathe. Just breathe.

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I knew him before he became the uniform. Before he left to fulfill his dream of changing the world. He used to smile. He used to laugh. But, these days, there’s no life left in his eyes. This life has changed him.

I sit next to him on a stool, watching him cradle his drink in trembling hands. He’s mostly silent, but when he does speak, his voice is flat. Dead, like his eyes. He flinches when I touch his arm. I try to hide my tears.

He throws back his drink, like he doesn’t even feel the burn. I wonder how much he has to drink before he can forget the things he’s done. I wonder how much more it takes before he’s able to talk about it. I don’t ask.

Days later, I watch him walk away, and for a moment, I can pretend that he’s that same bright eyed boy leaving me to save the world.

The defeated set of his shoulders completely shatters the illusion.
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May, he turned twenty one on the base of Fort Bliss.
“Just a day,” he said down to the flask in his fist.
Ain’t been sober since maybe October of last year.
And here in town you can tell he’s been down for awhile,
But, my god, it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles.
Want to hold him… maybe I’ll just sing about it.

‘Cause you can’t jump the track; we’re like cars on a cable.
And life’s like an hourglass glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys.
So cradle your head in your hands and breathe.
Just breathe. Oh, breathe. Just breathe.

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A tears slips down my cheek as I hear the mirror shatter from down the hall. I wish I could help, but every time I try, you just push me away. All I can do is cry, because you can’t seem to see what you want so badly to leave behind.

I steal quietly down the hall, and lean against the wall. You’re mumbling something to yourself, and I know all too well that you’re not talking yourself down. I just wish you’d open your eyes.

I slide down, and press my ear against the door. You don’t know it, but I’m always right beside you. I hope that you feel me, and that I can help you find the strength to pull through one more night.

You don’t know it, but I can’t live without you.

You don’t know it, but if you go, I’ll be right behind you.

That is how much I love you.
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“There’s a light at each end of this tunnel”, you shout,
Cause you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out.
And these mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again.
If you’d only try turning around…

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I pour my feelings out, hands shaking, heart breaking, but you don’t seem to care. You brush me aside, and tell me you’ll fix me later. Later never comes. I’m left alone, trying not to cry for something that doesn’t even matter.

I pour my feelings out, hope soaring, free falling, and you’re never there to catch me. You tell me you’re sorry, and that next time will be different. But next time is all the same. I’m left alone, wondering why I keep falling for the same old game.

I pour my feelings out, with no one around, without expectations. You choose now to hear my cries, and memorize my fears. I’m trying hard to trust, but I don’t know if I can. You let me down, so many times. How can I ever trust again?

If you’re going to hurt me, do it quick.

If you’re going to break me, let’s get it over with.

I’ve given you everything, and this is how you repay me.
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Two Am, and I’m still awake writing a song.
If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd,
‘Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud.
And, I know that you’ll use them however you want to.

‘Cause you can’t jump the track; we’re like cars on a cable.
And life’s like an hourglass glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button now.
Sing it if you understand and breathe.
Just breathe. Whoa, breathe. Just breathe.
Breathe… just breathe.