The stone angels and the disciple and characters in the stained glass windows seemed to stare at me with such a pity in their eyes as I sat in the fifth pew from the front. The alter looked so far away, but perhaps that was because I was sitting so far back.

Feeling ashamed because I knew I deserved their pity, I hung my head letting my black hair shield me from their steady stares. Somehow, though, I could still feel their pity trying in vain to comfort my soul.

Tears rolled down my face and landed on my jeans, but these tears were not those of joy but that of an intense heart ache.

I know that God told Christians to bear one another struggles and to encourage each other in Him, but, since this world gives so many heart aches as it is, no one shares their burdens with each other because they do not want to add to another person’s worries. So they keep it all bottled inside thinking that hey can deal with their problems on their own. Well, at least I thought I could.

Last Sunday, my dad and I caught my fiancée cheating on me with my mother. The sight of them together gave my dad a heart attack that killed him. Oh, I have yet to sell another one of my paintings and I am a month behind on my rent. And, on top of all of that, I lost my baby two days ago.

But like I said, people do not believe in confiding in other people because they do not want to be a burden to someone else. They keep it inside hoping that it would all just go away as quickly as it came, but in doing so, they put on an act of “everything’s fine” when really it is not.

At least that was what I was doing.

I wanted everyone to believe that I was fine because, I did not want to load them down with my problems, so I acted as if I was totally fine. But maybe I acted as if I was fine in hopes that I would believe that everything really is fine in my life. Nevertheless, my performance was spectacular . . . and so was theirs.

“Hi. How are you?” really meant “Hey, I’m just saying this because it’s cordial. I really don’t care to know how you really are doing because I have my own problems to deal with so keep it short.”

“I’m fine.” Was the same thing as saying “Well since you didn’t want to know and I really don’t want to tell you, I’ll lie and say I’m fine.”

Life was like a stage. Everyone acted how they really wished they felt so they would not feel like an oddball in front of the people who acted the same way. People are really afraid that, if they acted how they really felt, that they would be shunned especially since that was not in the script. To be honest, that is how I felt.

Funny thing though, people acted the same way in Church. Here it is all these people united to praise God and fellowship with one another and they are too afraid to share one another’s burdens because they don’t want to appear rude. Never mind the fact that God really did say in his word that Christians should “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” in Galatians 6:2. Occasionally one would break away from their act and be their self, but then everyone else tried to act even harder around that person because they did not want anyone to notice how they wish that they could stop acting and just be.

I have practiced my act so much that I know my lines by heart, and I know when and where I should move on the stage, but, when that curtain falls, I rush to take off my make up and that costume so I can just be me and not pretend to be someone that I am not.

As I sat here in the Church, I realized that I was tired of acting and not being able to be myself. I did not want to live as someone I am not; I wanted to be me. But, for some reason, I wanted to be able to be myself around someone who wanted to be their self around me. And, as I sat here, I knew that would be impossible because everyone was reluctant to be their self around anyone because it was so hard to give up a part when one has studied it for so long.

My eyes gazed upon the alter ahead of me that seemed a little bit closer than earlier this evening. It almost felt as if God was calling my name, beckoning me to tell Him my problems. So, I arose form my seat and walked down the isle until I found myself on my knees and crying in front of the alter. I told God all about myself and how tired I was of acting. I told Him how I wanted to let my part go and be myself. How I wanted to be what He wanted me to be, and how I wanted to reach all the other actors and tell them that they did not have to act anymore. I poured my heart and soul at His feet and He did not trample on it. He took it away and filled me with His peace and His spirit.

When I finished praying, I felt like a load was lifted off of my shoulders and as if my costume and script was burning in a distant fire. It felt strange, but, I felt like me.

I stood up there thanking and praising God until I felt someone tap my shoulder. A woman about my age with a tear stained face asked me if we could talk, and, for the next hour and a half under the smiles of the stone angels and approving looks of the stain glass disciples and characters, we were not talking as two actors or actresses on a stage would, but as two people with common needs, desires, and problems would.

Perhaps if we just started being real with one another we could close the whole show for good.