|Letters to God
Author: cherubicka PM
in wait of a ghost SLASH boyxboyRated: Fiction T - English - Romance - Words: 3,105 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 10 - Published: 01-04-08 - Status: Complete - id: 2458570
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Pairing: Jayd/Xiang or Jay/Zee (OC)
Warnings: course language?
As dark and sentimental as my temperament tonight
How's it going?
We just moved into the new house this morning. Some of our furniture hasn't arrived yet, so I'm crashing out in my sleeping bag tonight. I think mum's a bit pissed that the movers are late.
should see my room. It's a hundred times bigger than it was at my
I can still smell fresh paint on the walls even though they've long been dry. They're blue by the way. I thought you'd like that.
I start school on Monday. It's an all boy's school, they have a soccer team and mum thinks I should join up again. But I don't know; my knee still kinda hurts.
Remember when we were both in the soccer team together? And you scored that winning goal that got us into finals? I still can't believe you did that, after coach said you weren't well enough to play that season. You so proved him wrong!
I still have the ball in my luggage somewhere. It's probably all squashed now though.
I'm not really sure what to say in these things…I don't usually write letters and I suppose you don't usually read them. But consider it a nice change. You need it, at least I think so.
Write back when you get the chance. I haven't set up my computer yet so don't bother with any emails…I know what you're like.
6 February, 2005
Sorry couldn't wait for your reply.
I'm waiting for my train. Its 15 minutes late. And on my first day too, trust this to happen to me.Luck was never really on my side. I'd kill for some of yours right now.
I wonder what you're doing.You start school again today too right? I bet you were late too. You're always late :P
That reminds me…will you be trying out for the team again this year?I hope so. I don't want you to quit just because I'm not there anymore.
You never admitted it, but I know you only ever joined because of me. Don't even try denying it dude. It's true what they say; I'm a persuasive little fucker. And I think it's about time you pursued some physical fucking activity on your own. Seriously! I've said it a hundred times and I'll say it again; That computer rots your brain.
And anyway a lot of the guys would be disappointed if you left, mostly Nicki, everybody knows he thinks you're King shit.
So do yourself a favor and sign up this year okay? And when you do, say hi to coach and the rest of the guys for me. And tell Benjy he's still a wanker and he owes me 15 bucks (I won't forget that shit).
10 March, 2005
One month. Still no reply asshole.
Just kidding. I know they're having some problems at the post office. I overheard Mr. Wilkons (he's our neighbor by the way) talking with mum about it (his wife is fucking hot, she used to be a model he said - lucky bastard).
I've got a shit load to complain about...prepare yourself!
Firstly, I made the team in Albury! Yeh I know, piece of cake right? But get this, the team is terrible. And I mean TERRIBLE. We're officially the under dog of West Albury, haven't won a single game in 4 years. Geez! Talk about falling far.
The coach is this old English guy with a limp. I can't understand what he's saying half the time because of how thick his accent is.
It's fucking horrible. All the guys here are over aggressive about sport and at the same time they suck at it. I actually feel humiliated just by standing in on practices.
other day Dave (our goalie) tripped on his way to GET the ball…he
tripped on the fucking grass Zee. It wasn't even muddy.
I felt like laughing or crying or killing something!
On top of that; the team's jersey is pink and maroon. PINK. AND. MAROON. And they've ordered in mine a size too small. WhatTheFuck! Remember that birthday cake your mum tried making you last year? With all the curly frosting? I LOOK LIKE THAT!
What am I going to do?
Why couldn't you have just climbed in with my luggage like we planned! If you were here, I'd at least have someone to talk to.
Remember Mrs.Parkinson? Well my history teacher here is a guy called Reynolds and he either has a permanent twitch in his left eye or; he hates me as well.
I'm a teenage wreck Zee. And I'm making it your personal responsibility to SAVE ME!
P.S. School photos in two weeks. No, you can't have one.
25 June, 2005
Hey jack ass.
Four months dude. You giving me the silent treatment or what?
Mum wanted to ask if you guys wanted to come round over the holidays, flights are real cheap that time of year. She misses talking to your mother. I never realized they were so close?
We tried calling you this morning but you weren't home?
Is there something wrong? Are you still getting sick? I keep telling you, you need to get out more. You need some god damn air. You must be killing a thousand brain cells a minute in front of that computer everyday.
And look, I don't want you to be afraid to tell me if you're not okay. I'm still your best friend; I'm just not next door anymore. Got it?
Take care of yourself or else I'll fucking kill you :P
Oh almost forgot. We lost our last soccer match. 15 nil. God I know I
know I know. My soccer career has never looked so dim.
I've actually started helping coach - COACH the team. 5 days a week of training, even after all my extra hours and strategy ideas we STILL lost.
Now I finally know what it's like to be on Clintwood team. I almost feel bad about making so many jokes about them all those times.
I miss York.
I could handle a defeat in York, probably because there were so few of them.
30 August, 2005
Have I done something? What did I do?
You don't pick up your phone or reply to any of my emails or letters…And I KNOW you've gotten them all. The postal service over here may be bad, but it's not THAT bad.
What the fuck is going on Xiang? If you weren't across an ocean I'd come over there right now and beat the crap out of you.
You're being a total dickhead.
Talk to me!
Or at least tell me to go away! I think I deserve that much.
Jayd fucking DeRoy
29 November, 2005
I'm sorry man.
don't know what's going on with you but it must be serious. If it
were anybody else I'd be pretty fucking pissed off right now…and
I have to admit I was at first.
But I know you. You were forgetful but you weren't a snob. At least never to me.
I shouldn't have gotten so mad.
But I can't do this anymore. I think I'm going crazy.
exams finished last week and I swear I must have had an hour's
sleep throughout its entire course. We've lost every single game
since the start of the year, even with all of my extra input.
And I can't stop thinking about you. FUCK. Does that sound weird?Maybe it's the stress talking. Maybe not. I don't know. I don't know much these days.
Just that I wish I hadn't moved. That was a really dumb idea.
camp? Remember what you told me on the second night in our tent? I
have dreams about it all the time. And you're always in them. Why
do I dream about that??
You know I'm almost glad that you don't answer the phone anymore because I don't think I'd ever be able to say it out loud.
Yesterday this chick asked me out. She's really cute, kinda like Sherryli back at our old school except with bluer eyes. Said she saw me on the field once and wanted to get to know me.Get to know ME. Can you believe that? Someone's actually interested in me. I've finally been granted this one small mercy for all the bullshit that's happened to me all year and of course being the fucked up pansy that I am I didn't take it.
couldn't. I fucking said no.
Because – Because I don't even know why because.
When did everything stop making sense here?!
Zee. I'm losing it.
30 December, 2007
Do you remember me? Do you still recognize my handwriting after two long years?
We've both graduated by this time. Or at least I know I have.
I've made plenty of other friends by now. People I really care about, who've come into my life and helped fill in the gap where in my first year at Albury; seemed far too vast.
But to be honest Zee, during these past two years you've never strayed far from my thoughts.
I have to tell you now what I couldn't really understand back then.
And I don't care if you'll never read this, if you'll reply, or if you still even live at the address I'm posting it to.
I just want to be able to say, at least once, that; I love you. And I can say it now without any hesitation because I think we're both grown up enough to admit what's true…what's always been true. I love you.
It's hard to think about us as grown up. To think about us as anything more than the kids we used to be. The you in my memory will always be slouched in wrinkled school uniform over your computer desk. Guzzling all that caffeine into the early hours of the morning. Killing brain cells and unknowingly making me fall in love with you.
Who knows…maybe you're still there. Maybe things haven't changed at all. Sometimes I wished I really knew, instead of making up my own answers.
For a long time it used to eat me up inside because I didn't. But time has swallowed up any fears I used to harbor. Now I've finally plucked up the courage to write to you again.
Me. Afraid. I know. It doesn't happen a lot. There's a first time for everything you know. I'm just sorry that this particular first time couldn't have been more than just ink on paper.
It's pretty sad Zee. Sad that I've never known anything as simple or as certain as; I love you. That my first true epiphany was about my best friend. And he wasn't even there to see it happen.
have to go now.My
mum says hello. And that she misses you both. I miss you too.I
always have Zee.
I'm still your best friend - your oldest friend. Remember? Even if I'm no longer next door.
I'm saying goodbye and good luck once more, but this time it's with hope that we will meet again. Maybe by then I'll be man enough to tell you for real.
4 January, 2008
To my dear Jayd.
How are you? It has certainly been a very long time.
I have neglected my duties as a mother and an adult in not having reached you sooner. For that I am truly sorry.
You see my darling Jayd, my son; Xiang has passed away. Not a month after you left York two years ago. I found him at his computer table one morning. Seemingly asleep over his homework.
Since the day he was born, we always knew that his body was very weak. As his mother, I could not give up hope that Xiang would grow up no different than the other boys in his school, perhaps grow up stronger.
But he was always falling sick. You know this. The doctors could do very little to help what was starting to seem inevitable.
Unfortunately, Xiang knew about his illness and asked me not to discuss it with you. I couldn't say no. He insisted that you would only react badly.
I'm truly truly sorry for not telling you.
After his funeral, I fled to my sister's house and have been hiding in my grief these two years. I'm ashamed to admit that I've been avoiding my former life. I could not bear the thought of returning home to find it empty.
After my husband left us, he was all I had left…how could I know that it would not be for much longer?
Jayd I know you will be upset with me, and I know that there will be times when your sadness will cross into rage. But know that you and Angela have always been family to us. I pray for nothing but your well being and your forgiveness for this act of selfishness on my part.
Please give my love to Angela your mother. And write to me some time. You will always be welcome in my house.
You are not alone.
Winter had stolen into the corridor that evening without a whisper, frosting glass behind their curtains in silent breaths.
All was quiet in the DeRoy house save for Angela's indistinct humming echoing up the tiled staircase from the kitchen; where she spent most of her evenings.
Jayd was not oblivious to the cold air circling his ankles and up his trouser leg, but he felt detached from it as he continued to stare down at the freshly unfolded letter in front of him long after he'd finished reading it. Looking straight past the words and their meanings.
Breathing heavily, he picked up the thin piece of paper, faintly nostalgic scented and folded it in half, once, twice. Briefly pressing the ink blotted surface to his lips, before slipping the letter back into its original packaging.
But he could not make the mouth of the envelope reseal itself, with all the force in his nimble fingers the torn edges would not meet again.
He should have pried open the sticky lip of paper like he always did; carefully and precisely. He shouldn't have been so hasty.
He should never have left Xiang alone in York.
Jayd stood from the coffee table, leaving there the letter atop his college application and newspaper, all but forgotten. Making no sound as he padded along the near dark corridor – albeit one alabaster lamp lighting a dim path across the glacial tiles toward his room.
It was near six in the afternoon which meant that Angela would have begun preparing dinner by this hour. He could smell the chicken from where he stood, probably stewing with the potatoes and pumpkin in the large silvery pot she got for Christmas, the one Jael had given her last year but never used.
Jayd fell into bed face first as soon as he entered his own room. Finding himself strangely weary and without appetite.
How perfect then that it should rain.
The sound of Angela's distant tune was muffled by the gentle pitter patter of winter against his window.
And he thought it a perfect backdrop to this miserable evening as he closed his heavy eye lids against the blue black sheets and willed himself to sleep. He would not cry or sob or dream about the grave that surely existed across the ocean. Even as the dull ache behind his eyes threatened otherwise.
Instead he dreamt of blue black hair, much like the color of his sheets, much like strands of unwoven silk sheen and lustrous under the lamplight. For his world was nothing but eternal deep blue nights, lamplight and monitor screens flickering till dawn; a place of ethereal semi darkness, clacking keys and moving shadows where only his large slumberous eyes could survive.
Pressed against the dark sheets in his unlit room, Jayd fancied that he was there.
Tomorrow he would write a letter to Anne to tell her that all was well, and that they would come to visit in the Spring. They will definitely come.
And maybe…maybe then he would have the strength to see the gravestone for himself. He would write one more letter to his friend and tuck the envelope deep into the earth where only he could find. It would be their final secret.
Jayd could do it.
By then he would be brave enough.
But now he was too tired. He let himself slide back into sleep's clutches, back to the place of dreams, that deep blue beckoning world that was so perfectly and completely Xiang.
those of you who don't know (and that would be the majority); all of
the characters mentioned above are my own , and were all part of an
earlier original series called "House of Diamond" that was
dropped a while ago due to lost interest. Jayd and Xiang were one of
my favorite original characters and I never got to put them into
action really. Nicky and Benjy I was really fond of as well. I
finally decided to take them out.
This is just a sort of oneshot I wanted to try...so ignore the death. lol. I'll write up more about these four when I have the time. And maybe even post their character profiles (and their original ones) if interested.
Woo! So what did you think?