Minutes To Dawn
Chapter One: To tell the truth, I do give a fuck.

The soft pounding of a human heart was the only noise to be heard in the room, two bodies lay together, one quite asleep and the other wide awake. It'd been so long since he'd been without one... He just needed to hear it's rhythm to drift away and rest with his beloved entangled in his arms.

Rated M: Language, Violence, Sexual Content, Rape and anything else I decide it fit to be put in. This story contains homosexuality, this is your warning.

--

Let the tears come and wash away my grief - The feeling of being alone is as sour as a punch to one sore ribcage. The sound of bones cracking under the pressure of hate - An ocean of never ending pain and regret of not following through. I said I wouldn't be sad but this is too much to bare alone - I'm falling through a pit of black without you. Love, Topher.

The pen glided fluidly across my sadly ripped piece of paper as I signed the small note. Always the same goodbye but never the same note. It changed, evolved and grew without me even thinking. I gently folded the note in half and held it into the air, feeling the gentle gust of wind that the cool autumn day held.

"Why do you do that?" A low voice asked me, obviously male as the form settled next to me on the bench. I knew the voice so I never even took my eyes off the note I held up, waiting for the perfect moment; It was Ben, my so called 'best friend' of five years.

"I don't know-" I let out lowly, just as my forefinger and thumb unclamp, letting the note fly off on the wild wind to be taken on an unknown journey. "I just do." It was the best answer I could give. I pried my eyes off the note as it tumbled down unforgiving asphalt, turning to my best friend who held the seat beside me. One hand in the pocket of his faded hoodie, the other clinging to the strap of his backpack as he watched said not blow away.

"I'll never understand you." He spoke again with a sigh, brushing a lock of dark hair out of his eyes.

A smile worked it's way to my lips, amused somehow by his comment. "You don't have to, though. That's the good part." I reached out and gave his larger form a pat on the shoulder before I stood, dusting imaginary particles of something or other off my jeans.

"Guess not. Are you coming to Jake's party tonight?" For the first time he looked at me, and I shook my head in return when I glanced away, anything to hold my attention on while he looked at me. I have problems with holding eye contact--or even making it.

Just imagine if you looked someone right in the eye and they took it the wrong way. They could punch you, slap you, kick you, kill you, never talk to you again or worse yet, kiss you. Now you know my irrational fear.

"I don't think so. I'm so fucking tired." It was the truth, I just barely made it through school and was wiped, body aching since I got up--and if I looked half as bad as I felt--

"You look like shit." He beat me to it and I snapped my arm out, curled fist punching him in the shoulder. Fair trade, right?

"I feel like shit." I admitted after a moment of reflective silence, hand dropping back to my side like a faithful dog.

"Maybe you should actually sleep at night."

"I do, damnit. I went to be at like six yesterday." Alright, I took liberties with the estimated time, but It was early. He was standing with me now as I picked my pack up off the bench, fully ready to go home and sleep as soon as possible. Just to think there were nice warm sheets on my fluffy bed with a down pillow and-..

"Who knows, maybe you're a sleepwalker." He drawled on, listing all the things that he could think of. That one hit the spot though, perhaps I was so tired because I walked around all night! "You should totally record yourself with that camera your Mom has, at least you can rule that one out."

I nodded quickly, I knew he was my friend for some reason. "I'll do that- thanks." I was truly thankful, I never think of shit like that. My mind wandered as I looked down the street, I could see my house from here and it looked so inviting and with the promise of rest inside I could hardly stop myself from dashing there this very instant.

"After you nap then you should come to the party. After all, it's Jake's party so he's bound to be there sometime." He waggled his eyebrows ridiculously at me and I quickly punched him in the shoulder again, the same spot as before only with a bit more force. As quick as I'd punched him he has his hand to the spot, touching it gently with a grimace on his face. "You're such a douche."

"I know." I flashed him a smile and said my goodbye before turning and heading off to my house. Ben's suggestion had been a good one... both of them were good. He knew I was homosexual and was cool with it, even though he was not of the same orientation we remained friends, unlike so many people when I finally came out. Most ignore me and that's better than getting spit in my face I suppose.

This Jake was one of the few that were still nice to me, as if it made no difference that I liked other guys. I liked him more than in just a friendly way but was cautious around him, I'd hate for him to think that I was into him when he's simply nice to me... That's not fair, to me or him since I'd probably be getting a spitter if my affections were not returned. However he was gorgeous with those green-aqua eyes and tan skin. It was a gamble I was unsure about.

As you could tell I tend to over think things--It's a curse. Especially when I over think things like... I don't know, global warming? Yeah, I get paranoid when I get going on that kind of thing, so I won't. Instead I'll think about how far until I can plop into my bed! Oh joy, oh happiness! I'm being a prick now... Cool it, Topher.

In no time at all I was opening the front door of my house and stepping inside. I Had no one to say hello to since my Mother is no doubt asleep in bed, she works nights at a club in the city, and my Father is out of the picture. I've never met the man but I'm told I get my naturally back hair and slender hands from him. No siblings, so It's just me and my Mom in this stupid house.

First things first, I went to the closet and pulled out the camcorder bag to set up for tonight, getting the camera out and touching all the buttons. Yes. All of them, I like to know how things work and perhaps I have a tinge of OCD. After locating the record button I headed up to my room: I think my dresser would be the perfect spot to get a good shot of my bed and, in the end, capture if I was indeed a sleepwalker or not.

I slowed my steps as I passed Mom's room, not wanting to disturb her. Quickly I shut the door to my room and trapped myself inside, smiling eagerly at my 300 poster. Don't "Guffaw" or laugh, it's a good movie and I would not mind it one bit if Gerard Butler was to take me. No, not somewhere, that's where my thought ended.

After placing and lining up the camera I threw my backpack down and rolled lazily into bed, gaze moving up to the ceiling where I started to read the various things I'd written in sharpie over the years... looking back, most of it is ignorant garble but some is oddly on point. Like my notes: why do I write them? No clue, they've just been coming out of me. To no one, I guess.

I wish I had someone I was writing them to.

Now that I think about it I've been writing said notes for about as long as I've been having my sleeping issues... Almost three weeks now. Odd. I blinked at the ceiling, reading one particularly bold statement. Newsflash - I don't give a fuck.

I have no idea how long I stared, mulling that thought over in my mind but it was a good while. Maybe I even dosed off once or twice, but always thinking about that-- It was then I realized I did give a fuck. Back then I was in a "Me against the world" attitude, rebellious and full of hate. Now I had come to the point where I did care about everything. What people thought of how I acted, how I dressed. I gave a lot of fuck, so much it scared me.

--

"Ohhhmigawd I can't believe you showed." Ben spoke loudly over the music, arm around the neck of an unknown girl; I've seen her around school but could care less about her. I can't even remember her name. Jill...Jenn.. I don't know.

"Nothing better to do, I guess." My gloomy response as I glanced around the room, unknowingly looking for the party's host. - "He's upstairs." Ben said, reading my mind like he always seems to do before he took another sip out of the over-sized red plastic cup.

Kelly! That was the girl's name! Why am I so happy I know the name of a dumb blond who is the exact replica of twenty other girls at the school?"Oh- . . alright." I said, awkwardly loud so he could hear me over the damn music. Why the fuck did it have to be so loud?

"Go. He's probably drunk, go molest him!" He planted his free hand in the middle of my back and pushed me towards the staircase before taking another drink out of said plastic cup..Two guesses as to what that held. Resisting the urge to punch him I simply walked like a prisoner on death row, no hint of happiness on my face as I ascended the stairs and came out in the hall.

The only light was a small beam coming out of a cracked door, which I assumed would be where Jake was. I walked cautiously towards the light, hands pulled up in my sleeves for some unknown reason. Nervousness? Why was I looking for him? I wasn't going to profess love or anything.. it'd probably end up in an awkward silence anyways. I was hopeless and a glutton for punishment.

"I've been waiting for you, Christopher." Jake beaconed me in as I opened the door. He was sitting on the edge of his bed, shirtless and leaning back on his hands as if out on display. "Close the door."

I obeyed and shut the door behind me. When I turned he was standing close, towering over me which was not hard to do at my height of five-seven. His perfectly sculpted chest rose and fell with every labored breath. I just looked up into his dreamy eyes, sculpted features looking back at me from a frame of almost shoulder length blond locks. I couldn't move, in shock as he was in my personal space, hovering only inches away..and half naked. I didn't know what to do, well, I did but I was to afraid to move.

"I want you, Topher." He stated bluntly, getting closer I could feel his exhale move the hair on my head. I looked idly at the flesh of his shoulder until he moved my chin up with a strong hand.

"I-I..." I moved my lips to speak but I was silenced by his lips. A warm, passion-filled kiss as he wrapped his arms around me--

My mind was running away with me again. I shook my head to rid thoughts that were quickly going astray. Oh how I would have loved.for my thoughts to be reality but as with every other fantasy in my life the outcome would surely be much, much different. I finally reached the door, hand gently pressing against the faux wood to push it.

An off sound caught my attention before I could put any force into the move, something I could not quite place. I moved my eye to the crack in the door, spying through to find out just what had caught my attention. It was Jake as I'd imagined, half dressed but not waiting for me... He was plastered over another plastic-mold female, kissing, licking and nipping at her bare stomach. Dual red cups sat by the edge of the bed.. I help in a half sob, hoping that the contents had something to do with what I saw.

My eyes involuntarily shut, blocking out the sight of her hands rubbing over his tan skin... the way I only wished to do.

Feet moved without my permission, backing up with lids still locked shut. I moved as if I could simply feel the house within me, walking without sight back downt the hall and stairs. I'm pretty sure I'd tuned the music out, alone with my thoughts and heart beat in the crowded house. I moved through the ocean of bodies like nothing, even daring to push a dancer out of the way as I made my path to the front door.

"Topher? Topher! Where are you going, the party is just getting started!" Ben? I did not care. I was out the front door walking down the street before I could be stopped. His words were true; It was just getting started but not with me, not how I wanted it to go. I did not care anymore.

Who knows how much courage I'd have had if I'd gotten into that room alone with him? Maybe right now I'd have my first boyfriend. Instead I have nothing and no one and it was not long at all before I had a plan. I'd go get some chips and go home. I would make sweet love to my chips and go to bed alone and unhappy. Like always.

That's where my feet took me, to a small gas station just down the road from my house. I nodded a quick, awkward greeting to a man standing outside, possibly staring at me, before I went in a got my pringles. On my way out a stopped and let out a sigh of relief next to the cigarette-smoking stranger. The key word being strange. He wore A black leather coat that fell all the way to his ankles, tied up around him while the cig rested between his lips, just under a pair of sleek looking shades. At night. In the dark. Sunglasses.

His hand slipped into his pocket and came out with his pack, offering me one of his sticks of death silently. I took one, to my own amazement and he handed me his lighter. I light up and puffed gently at his gift, rather at ease with the odd man.

"Smoking's not good for you." He commented in a smooth tone. As soon as he spoke I looked at his face, dark hair falling to his chin and stylishly messy. He looked as if he'd not been friendly with a razor in a while either, stubble growing on his chin.

"Have a nice death then." I replied, trying to place him as I quickly glanced away, savoring the taste of nicotine. He laughed quite abruptly as if I'd said something hilarious. I looked at him like he was insane, which I was quite sure he was. Even the laugh made me nervous--I knew the man from somewhere.

"You'll have to excuse me... that was a bit of an inside joke for me." He apologized as he turned to see me. I assume he was looking at me, dark glasses blocking my view. Apparently I'd just found a way to negate of on my little issues: make everyone I come in contact with wear sunglasses. I have no problem looking at him, and feel quite comfortable.

"Heh. Yeah.." I mumbled, tossing the smoldering cigarette onto the ground where I quickly stomped it. "Thanks." I added, taking a step away and heading back to my house.

"See you later, Topher."

-

Later, at home in bed with a belly full of chips I was stewing in my aloneness. An empty house leaving me no comfort as my Mother had gone to work- left to the creaking of floorboards and an annoying dog outside that would not stop barking. I could not help but think about the stranger I'd shared a little time with tonight. How at ease I felt around him. But when in the hell had I given him my name, let alone the preferred shortened version?

A pang of unease drifted around in the pit of my stomach, mingling with too many fried potatoes. Perhaps going to bed on a full stomach was not a good idea, it was putting more paranoid thoughts into my head.