Adam

“You need to get back to school you know.”

“I know.” I mutter back, lying on my back facing the ceiling, my eyes temporarily dried up from the crying. One of my friends is there with me, lying next to me on my bed, talking to me in quiet, gentle tones.

“There’s still exams coming up... but after that you’ll have all of Christmas break to... feel better.”

“I know.” I say, again, in a deadpan voice that probably wasn’t at all convincing.

Tara Green reaches out and grabs hold of my hand – something she hardly ever does, and gives it a quick squeeze. “You can be strong Adam. I know you’re strong. You’ll survive this.”

“I hope so.”

--

We don’t even make it completely to my room before he pushes me up against the door to my room. His lips mash hard into mine, and his tongue snakes into my mouth. I can feel his erection through his tight jeans as he grinds against me, giving me a forceful kiss. I kiss back, with an intent that I hadn’t felt for nearly a year, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, noticing his magnificent back muscles straining against his shirt.

I smile wryly at his impatience and he smiles back, only feeling me smile through my lips. I break apart from him and fumble for my key, unlocking the door and pulling him by his shirt into my room. As we move towards my very barren mattress (my bed sheets and stuff hadn’t been unpacked yet) we trip over a box and I end up on top of him on the floor, both of us giggling (me partially from nerves) from the situation. I whisper a quick apology to him and he responds by working impatiently at my shirt buttons, till all of them are unbuttoned and he pulls the shirt off my shoulders, exposing my skin in the moonlight. He leans upwards and kisses my neck, sucking on it gently and causing me to moan. He places one hand on my chest and pushes against it, causing me to lean backwards as he kisses his way downwards, nibbling on my nipples – which causes me to moan even more. I push him back down onto the floor and close in onto him and kiss him gently – and he returns it with a type of gentle kiss that I had not felt for so long.

It was liberating. But at the same time, it also made me miss the boy from high school.

God I’m so screwed up.

I push him a little away and look at him in the eyes. His eyes were green, but they were light green, not the emerald green that my heart had fallen for long ago. His hair was brown, but they weren’t the dirty blonde hair that I had run my hands through so often. Nothing about him was right. And suddenly, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I get off him move to the side of my bed, sitting there away from him – this... imposter.

He looks at me, confused. “Um...”

I put my head into my hands, breathing in deeply, and then look up at him. “Dave... right?”

“Yeah... um... what’s wrong? Is it something I did?”

“No no. I’m... sorry Dave. I... I can’t do this right now. I’m... really... REALLY sorry. You are gorgeous and... but... I just... can’t.” I falter.

There’s a slight pause. “Alright.” He says, getting up off the floor and stands up, and sits beside me on my mattress, reaching briefly to the side and switching on my table lamp. “You... okay?”

“Y... yeah. Sort of. I’ll... I’m sorry.”

“Yeah. Don’t sweat.” Silence for a bit. “Sucks though, you’re really hot.”

I chuckle gratefully. “Thanks.”

“You gonna be okay tonight?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. I just need to... think things out.”

“Alright. I’ll be off then. Here.” He says, holding my shirt which he picked up off the floor to me, and I mumble my thanks. “I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah... see you.” And with a quick glance backwards to check that I’m ok, he walks out of my room and shuts it behind him.

I am so screwed up aren’t I? I lie down on my bed and hold my pillow close, imagining that somehow it was the man with the emerald eyes and the dirty blonde hair, who I had tried to banish from my memories for so long. Yes. Yes I am.

--

Sex.

I’m not unfamiliar with the concept of gay male promiscuity – I did, at some point, watch a fairly good amount of Queer As Folk, where the guys at the clubs are ridiculously good looking. And it makes total sense, the sex that is, not the guys at the club. In a heterosexual community, where the males are driven by their penises, and where females are the brains that keep them in check, there would be less sex occurring that in a community where everyone is driven by the little head in their pants. A community of penises, how charming.

Girls have questioned this for ages. Should they have it? Should they wait? How long should they wait? Would they ruin a chance at a relationship if they have sex outright? Gay men just say fuck it, and just go for it – no strings, no relationships... No love?

I dreamed that night. I saw him. Looked into his emerald eyes, so full of depth yet containing radiant warmth. Touched him and felt each part of his body under my fingertips – hot to the touch. Felt him in me, felt him move inside me as I surrendered myself to him. Saw his face coming up to my ears to whisper to me.

He didn’t say I love you. The only thing he ever says in my dreams is: “I’m sorry Adam... I can’t do this anymore.” And yet I don’t push him away, and I never do. It was never just sex with him.

God I’m so pathetic.

--

“PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME! HEY YA HEY YA HEY YA!”

I wake up to the sound of my cell phone ringing and vibrating from my jeans pocket. God damn annoying ring tone – I wonder why it hasn’t been changed yet. My shirt is still left open and the lamp on the bedside table is still on. I had fallen asleep in the middle of my self destructive, mildly alcohol induced (oh shit... I drank underage didn’t I?) state. I pull out my cell phone, flipping it open.

“Hallo?”

“Good morning sleeping beauty!” Piped a very cheery sounding Will on the other end.

“Mornin...”

“Had a good time last time Adam? I do trust that you’re in a state of undress and I must say, you do look quite hot without clothes on.”

Obviously, since I was still mostly dressed, he couldn’t really see me and was pulling my leg. I just choose remain silent.

“I’m only joking Adam. I was taking a random guess. But judging by your stunned silence I take it you were rather undressed. Now. Here’s what I want you to do. Go have a quick shower, put some clothes on and come down to the corner of the Biochemistry building to this cafe called Caffeine – we’ll have brunch in say... thirty minutes?”

“I...” I begin to respond.

“Cool. See you then!” he says, not letting me finish, before hanging up.

I look at my phone for a second before sighing and grabbing my towel.

Miles and Will were already there when I sit down in an empty seat next to them, both of whom looked as if they had been up for hours. Will is dressed smartly, again, with a light blue collared shirt and light brown pants, while Miles was dressed just as camp as last night, but surprisingly, far less trashy – wearing pinstriped pants, a pink collared button up shirt, a large belt, and a hat with... yes... a feather. They smile at me as I sat down. The cafe is nice, with tables under an awning. I smell coffee wafting from inside.

“So!” Miles said as I sat down, and I try to hide behind a menu. “Dave huh?”

I remain silent and Miles and Will just laugh at that response.

Will reaches and pulls my menu down so I can see his face. “Don’t sweat about it Adam! It’s actually GREAT that you got with someone. On the first night too – which I must admit, was quite surprising. And Dave is also really hot and quite a nice guy.”

Wait... he knows Dave? “You know him?” I ask puzzled.

Miles laughs his slightly girlish laugh. “Honey! Will’s probably slept with him once or twice already!”

“Miles!” Will says in mock indignation.

“Sorry hun, but Adamkins here will learn soon enough what an utter man-whore you are! I was just speeding the process along is all.”

I looked over at Will, suddenly getting an image of him and Dave both very naked and very sweaty, wrapped in each other’s arms and making out like there’s no tomorrow. It’s actually quite hot.

“Bitch!” Will says to Miles.

“Slut!” Miles retorts, before they both break out into laughter.

I don’t know why I don’t bother to correct them and tell them that I didn’t actually sleep with Dave. But Will had seemed so happy, and in a way, proud of me, that I couldn’t bring myself to break the news. Plus I’d have to explain WHY I didn’t sleep with Dave – and that didn’t sound like something I’d wanted to dredge up.

“So listen hun.” Miles says to me, after I had finished giving my order to a friendly waitress. “Will and I are heading to this huge party tonight – one of those, beginning-of-year parties. And Will here reckons you should come along with us, even if it CLEARLY says postgraduate students only.”

“Oh c’mon Miles. You know that there are ALWAYS a lot of undergraduates there – allegedly tagging along with their boyfriends and stuff. We can pass Adam off as my boyfriend, if we really must.”

Will’s boyfriend eh? Shamefully, I think I blush a little at that thought. I don’t think Miles noticed, but I saw Will eyeing me and smiling to himself.

Miles rolls his eyes, turning to me, talking as if Will isn’t even in the general area. “Adamkins, Will has this terrible reputation for, not only being a man-whore, but also going through boyfriends like they were tissues beside a computer with internet access. Honest to God, what a terrible person.”

It’s not like I wanted to date Will or anything, but regardless, I don’t know if I would feel comfortable going to a mostly postgraduate party. I am about to decline the invitation when Will looks at me and flashes me his award-winning grin. No one could say no to that grin – it’d be like kicking a small furry animal. “It’ll be great Adam.” He assures me.

I swallow my refusal and instead just nod, instead turning my attention to the coffee that just arrived. I’m really beginning to like this stuff.

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