A/N- Something that i've needed to get out for far too long. Very, very personal. Reviews returned.

Breathe Me

You breathe, the energy racking through your body, sending oxygen to your brain, in even, short strokes of life, simple, and clear. Only its not. Simplicity died out of your life years ago, back when you still went to amusement parks, together, the two of you screaming as the world pitched and twirled around you as you bravely rode all the rides that today you wouldn’t dare even think about. You remember it as if it were yesterday, and not years in the past. Your bodies pressed together in the seat, voices rising and falling with glee in sync to the rhythm of an old country song you both knew. You miss that, the control, the ease of the situation. The spinning of the ride would stop soon enough, it always did, and if you closed your eyes tight and concentrated hard enough on the warmth of her thigh pressed against your own, you could almost block it out all together; make the world disappear.

But your older now, maybe not so much, wiser, but something has changed in you, you know because despite every attempt you throw, this time you can’t block out the spinning, the faint buzzing in your ears as your eyes fill with tears. You feel sick, your stomach wants to heave, and it does, dry, futile attempts at purging; you've been to distraught to think about food, survival is the last thing on your mind. You don’t see yourself as important anymore, after all it was you that caused this mess, your own selfish pigheadedness that brought the two of you to this particular fork in the road. Worry brews in the deepest part of your stomach, it burns red hot, and fiery for her, the only thing that matters, the girl you shoved away.

Horrific, ghastly images dance before your eyes, as you lay exhausted on your bed. Her arms, porcelain white, tangled with scars, deep and shallow trenches that speak of razor blades, self inflicted wounds, pain, death, and you. your mind screams shrilly against the images, begging the movie to stop, grasping desperately at straws for sanity and praying to catch sight of something ludicrous, anything, anything at all that could possibly trick you into thinking that this is a dream. No such luck, no lifeboats, no re-do button, no hope for redemption. You realize the weight of your decision all to late, and dry swallow the bitterest pill with enough remorse to last a lifetime. If she doesn’t make it through the night, its your fault, you caused this. Love is not a death sentence, and you fucked up.

What gave you the right to take her life in your hands? what sick, twisted part of you had the nerve to ask so much of her? How could you watch, as meek, and thinking of your well being she laid herself in the palm of your hands, trusting you not to break her, watch, as you, the selfish greedy bitch you are asked, for more more? Something inside you snapped when she couldn't comply, something you cant pinpoint, and before you could control your impulses, alarmed at the way her once mended glass heart lay strew at your feet in a million tiny shards, pulsing to dust, between your toes and the cement. ashes to ashes right? oh, you stupid, naive little girl, what have you done?

You've gotta move, even if you cant run from this forever, you feel the fleeting need to try, so Choking, you pace the perimeter of your tiny bedroom cage, unsuccessfully willing yourself to erase earlier events from your memory. Events you secretly know will be forever burned upon your mind, engrained in who you are. The way she'd scrawled those fateful words across your sheet of notebook paper, Im sorry, I cant. The way your heart broke mercilessly, as words formed across the tip of your acidic tongue, words that would make the world crumble beneath you both. Steal your balance, leaving you breathless upon the rocks of fate.

"Then, Love, if that’s the way you feel, I can't, knowing what I know, stay here like this, Putting you through this. I gotta go, I wont hurt you anymore, you deserve better."

You'd said it, those taboo, god awful words, and you broke this, so why do you get to feel bad? Where, as she stood by your side, in those final seconds of okayness did you find the strength to stare right back, into those ever darkening pools of navy and not cry? She hung by a thread, her eyes begging you not to do it, not to let her go, she begged, right up until the very end, for you not to fling her off your high wire, she wanted to balance with you, and you just wouldn’t have it. It hurt like fuck to watch her, eyes, ever locked upon yours, edging away, so why did you do it? Didn't do much for your ego did it girl?

Every word is the same, on repeat, relentlessly taunting you, echoing in the white space in your brain. it hurts, a dull pain, situated in the center of your heart, radiating outwards to saturate every muscle, every strand with defeat; with weakness. Your veins throb, around your wrist, and you imagine the delicious flow of crimson, washing over you, dipping you low into relief, into forgiveness, into sleep, a never ending night, and you shudder, as you imagine her thinking it too. A stabbing stream of pain shoots through your stomach, and you crumple to the floor, head rested with eyes closed against your mattress. Make this stop, oh god, make it stop, you pray, laughing sadistically, out of fatigue when the pain doesn’t lessen. God must think you deserve it too. You do, you must, you broke the unthinkable, you broke her.

Pain seeps through the barricade of emotions in your mind, the buzzing in your ears temporarily muted by the feel of metal chewing at skin, eating away the your two year bout of cleanness, with this new formation, this relapse back into hell. You let it bite though, gnawing at you, and your pain just for the simple fact that for the moment, it holds the power to silence your demons. There would be time enough for regrets in the morning, right now, this is about forming scabs over gaping wounds, making the effort to fix lesions that you know will forever ooze. Forever stain your conscious, your heart black with regret, with pain and sorrow, and healing has to start with a break in the madness. A slowing of this high velocity rush towards death.

You collapse backwards, curling in the fetal position atop the sheets, not caring if you soiled them with blood. You clench your fists, your teeth against the shaking in your very bones, though you know it wont stop. Tears flow, and shame mixes with the worry that churns in your stomach, making you again want to heave, purge yourself of all that’s bad in you, only this time you can't. This sin is utterly unreachable. Your eyes flutter closed against the world, and you walk, step by step towards the territory of nightmares, and hellish night images with a burst of courage. With a hint of finality and desperation you whisper a prayer, hoping with all you have, god doesn’t hate you, or that, if he does, he'll hold her in a bit higher esteem.

"God, im sorry, I screwed up, hate me, hurt me, whatever, just please, please keep her. Keep her safe, don’t let her go, god, she's my life. Give me a chance to make this right. Please, don’t let this be the end."

You grapple, stumble headfirst into darkness, welcoming it with all you have. The spinning in your head, the pain that floods your body slips away, and in the distance, you hear laughter, her laughter, ringing clear and high; like bells in your ear, trailed by her angels voice lifting in song to that familiar melody. Your back in the amusement park with her, at thirteen, the cotton candy grasped in your hand a brilliant, shocking pink against the spring's sky. Your body floods with warmth stemming from where your skin meets hers, and you smile, realizing that this is where you want to be, at peace. The ride doesn’t stop, it swirls on, spinning and lurching, beneath you, grandiosely. That’s where it will stay, where you will stay, with her and at peace, right up until the second that you utter those words, and shatter perfection.

"I Love you"