That infamous monkey

Has long since debunked

But still, I carry his weight

Wherever I go—his voice, in my ear

A constant in my life full of variables,

But one I could do without

Chaos is welcome next to this

Irritant

Unreachable annoyance

Burden

Making me a better person?
I prefer addiction.

Death was sooner coming

When I succumbed to the urges

Shakes and quakes

When I would withdraw my withdrawal

Fall back into nothingness

And nothing would catch me

So safe

So

Treacherous

Betraying my body again and again

How nice it felt to be bad.

No way I contort

Can I reach this itch

A circle of

red

raw

infected skin

Around this spot

Frustration consumes me

As I writhe and thrash

Consider

Giving up the baby

Just to relieve this constant

I so desperately want chaos

Need chaos

A child would be yet another howling, rabid, starved animal

So intent on scratching

Until my itch is nonexistent

And I’ll find myself

Wishing for a constant

In this unpredictable life I chose

Out of weakness

Not love.