These will be the random ramblings of an untamed mind. I won’t tell you who I am; you should figure that out on your own. I will give you the best words that describe my being, and hope for the best. That’s a lie, nobody can be that hopeful.

Yesterday I woke up and I didn’t care. This morning I woke up and I was disappointed in myself for doing so. Nothing has happened in the past two days to make me alter my opinion, but that is what had probably brought on the change. The absolute nothingness in my life is what had caused me to become a cutter the summer of my 17th year. It was probably what caused me to stop the summer before my 19th. That was just a phase, but significant nonetheless. I was not one of those followers that did things to be “cool,” I actually did it because I was miserable. I believed that cutting would help, and I’m not going to lie, it did. It helped in the moment. Every time I was angry enough to kill, I’d cut myself and felt a satisfying clam. Every time my mother called me stupid, or my father called me useless, I’d dig the trench in my forearm, and the blood let out embedded a grim satisfaction into my soul. It was satisfaction nevertheless.

This nothingness that haunts me today is driving me off the edge of sanity. Last year, I was so depressed, I was praying to a god I didn’t believe in to take away my ability to feel. For once, he listened. God is cruel. He will not listen when I pray for death day after day, but he is there to teach me a lesson in the most painful of ways. I want to feel again! I want to care again! I don’t want this misery that comes from nothing and brings nothing! I want pain born from something, pain that will let me cry. I don’t want this dry misery!

Today is just one day. Tomorrow, another. And so on. I don’t see a future beyond that; nothing to look forward to, to live for. Absolute nothingness. Who knew that one day, my biggest tormentor would be nothing? Nothing is going on in my head; I have no thoughts bouncing around, nothing to ruminate. I have nothing to do today, nothing to do tomorrow. I’ll go back to school, do my work, and nothing else. No real life. I will get a career, help people, and do nothing. I’ll be dead through it all. Some new kind of species that is alive to everyone else but dead to itself.

Right now, my carelessness is prohibiting me from continuing this mindless nonsense I call writing. I don’t even know why I’m writing this on Microsoft word on a computer that is not mine. I don’t even know who I’m writing it to or where I will publish it. I don’t know anything, nor do I really want to know. I don’t know anything.