a simple kind of love

based on a true story

By Da Vinci at Work

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.”

.Neil Gaiman.

Once upon a time there was a girl, and her greatest fear was waiting. Waiting for something to happen, waiting for her happy times, waiting for that special someone to take away the silence, the lonely, bitter silence that only the lack of love can bring in the spring of youth.

She was always a talker to make up for the quiet; the self-proclaimed life of the party. Always there to crack a joke, always there when the embryo of gossip had just begun its journey passing from one conversation to the next. Her happiness was everyone’s happiness, and everyone’s happiness was her happiness. That was the way she was. Simple and clean.

Once upon a time the girl fell in love with a boy, and it just so happened that this boy used to have feelings for her good friend. Used to. Inevitably, the more the girl thought, the more jealousy began to eat at her, but she never let on that she felt in such a way. The past was the past, and no one could change that. But the girl, being open and candid as she was told her good friend of her unease.

She was a tad bit jealous, she said, that he had liked her so much before.

Her friend laughed it off because, knowing the girl, she would not be a bad sport about such history. Besides, she never liked the guy anyways.

Once upon a time the girl whose only fear in life was waiting could no longer keep her feelings for the boy locked in her heart any longer. Loquacious as she was, she began to slowly leak out her big secret. Accidentally. Everyone who heard was in for a surprise.

Wow, they said.

Shh, she replied. She didn’t want the boy to find out.

But the boy did. From word of mouth, the boy learned that the girl, who was a fun and bouncy friend of his, had a crush on someone.

Who? he questioned another friend of hers.

The friend made no effort to reply. After all, she didn’t want to give the girl away. How could she say?

Just someone. A certain someone, she managed.

Who? Who? The curious boy continued to pester people for an answer. He made guesses, naming every other boy he could think of in school that the girl could possibility like.

It’s you, you dufus, the girl wanted to say once she caught word of his interest. It’s you, you retarded melon of a boy who makes my heart flutter and my cheeks tint red and a goofy smile come across my face. It’s you who I see everyday, passing me in the hallways, and hugging me whenever you do in that heartwarming way of yours. It’s you who I greet with such liveliness and sweet sincerity. It’s you for crying out loud.

But the boy, being the boy, never found out from anyone he asked. However. However, the girl eventually mustered together all her mental strength and courage and confessed to the boy. Spontaneously.

I like you. Three simple words. In the middle of the school’s hallway.

Oh. The boy was surprised. Oh. He didn’t believe her at first. Not at all. You’re joking, he laughed, dimples revealed.

The girl was at a loss for words. He didn’t believe her. Didn’t believe her. How could it be?

No, she swallowed. It’s really you. She looked him in the face, searching for that invisible special something. She felt a tinge of sadness that he was so surprised. So shocked. Was it that unbelievable? Then she walked away to talk to her friends, eager to get away from the uncomfortableness of their situation.

But the boy followed, standing close to her as she intentionally avoided conversation and any sort of eye contact with him. It was bad enough as it was that he thought she was joking, but this? It was just almost too much. But. That day, the girl recalled, the boy hugged her before she hugged him and smiled from ear to ear every time he saw her. Every time. Every single time.

Hope. She felt hope. So much hope that it overflowed. She was sitting in her own little bubble of happiness. And nothing, she felt, was going to pop it. Nothing whatsoever.

X

He asked her out. Of all things he did, he asked her out. It was a very tentative gesture, almost too cute to be true as he wrote to her in all of his lovable awkwardness. He had suggested online that they go to the movies. Staring at the screen, the whole of her insides had melted within seconds, and her entire being had floated away into the beautiful, beautiful oblivion. Life was just too good to be true. He had asked her out! It was like a fairytale! The knight, her knight, in shining armor had finally come to answer the call of his damsel in distress, a princess in disguise. He was going to sweep her away into the world of happily ever after. She knew it was!

She was at a loss for words.

I’ll go ask Alice, the girl whose only fear in the world was waiting wrote back after a long while, unsure whether it was going to be a whole friends get-together. Or not. She hoped it wasn’t. Hoped so much her insides flipped inside out.

No was his answer. No. That’s not it.

Then what?

Just the two of us, he managed, she imagined, with flushed cheeks and averted eyes as he typed.

She wasn’t expecting that. Not at all. It hadn’t even been a day since she confessed…so how…? She had figured that seeing him was going to make everything just so silently awkward, that he would no longer talk much with her anymore and avoid her at all costs.

It was happening too fast, way too fast. She had only just got home from an exhausting day of school and turned on her computer and signed on to chat. And he started writing to her. She complained to him, saying that she never got to see him much anymore, as he was always so busy with marching band and all his other activities. Always practicing his music and always arriving home late and never going online whenever she went. Waiting. When was she to ever slip in a few words with him?

They splurged words on different topics. She did horribly on her recent science test, she complained.

Haha, he laughed. He told her how tough it was carrying out two different conversations, one with her and the other with his friend, on the computer while trying, keyword: trying, to finish his homework.

Go finish your homework then, she replied.

Do you want me to?

The words rang out in her head. She rubbed her eyes and squinted at the screen to make sure she wasn’t imagining things. He was obviously flirting. Obviously so. But he probably didn’t realize it. Not at all.

What do you think? she joked. It was the only thing she could think of that didn’t sound half stupid. Witty, it was not. But stupid, it was not either.

To this he laughed. You looked so unhappy today, he wrote back.

You serious?! No way! I was okay, the same old me today.

Not when I saw you.

Well, think about it this way. I just admitted something to you. Something embarrassing, to top that, was what she implied. But she figured, he knew, so no point adding it. There was no point in making herself feel even more awkward around the boy, was what she figured.

Yes, and I didn’t say no, he retorted.

Huh? Wait?! What…?! Did he just…?! She stared, mouth agape, at the screen.

I didn’t reject the fact that you like me, he added.

He was so confusing her. Why was he confusing her? This was not what she was expecting. Not at all.

He continued to lightheartedly banter with her. Why did you ask me in the morning? I was so dead tired, like a zombie, he typed.

I didn’t ask you anything. I told you, she corrected.

Either way, why in the morning? My brain’s always been so dysfunctional in the morning.

It was spontaneous.

A pause.

Do you want to see that new movie coming out? After all, we’ve got break next week, he changed the topic.

The words, they stuck out on the screen, highlighted in her mind. It had seemed so casual. Oh, do you want to go to the movies? So casual, yet her heart had melted within seconds. Spread its previously nonexistent wings and flew away. Into the beautiful, beautiful oblivion.

It must’ve taken all his efforts to press the send key on the computer, the girl assumed as she stared, completely stunned…in a happy and giddy sort of way. After all, the boy was not very articulate and was usually prone to shyness. That was probably why the girl had sort of started to like him in the first place.

Oh! The movies together with the one person she thought about, day in and day out. The one person who seemed to create magic every time she saw him without even having the slightest clue about it. The one person who could make her whole being die happy with just a simple thing as a hello. The one person who she wanted to be with and meant the whole world to her. That person had just asked her out. Maybe casually so in other people’s eyes, but he did. He had asked her out.

Why? she typed. Why are you asking me out?

Well, I want to know you. And isn’t that what going out implies? I mean, we’ve got to get to know each other before we become, you know…girlfriend and boyfriend, if we do. ’cause, well, I think you don’t know me well enough and who you’re liking isn’t the whole entire me, y’know?

Haha, the girl typed back. She was almost a little bit disappointed. He wanted to know her. He didn’t like her yet. Yet. Maybe there was still hope. Maybe she meant something more to him than she actually knew. Maybe…maybe he was just playing it suave. Trying to be mad chill. Because well, she had heard things from her friends that day, and they all raised her hopes just so slightly. But then again, what a silly idea it was, she thought. That he actually was into her. He was just her friend. She was reading way too much into his words. Way too much.

But she was happy. Because he had asked her out. Of all things he did, he had asked her out.

She could just die happy knowing that he did.

X

Freshman year was tough, she concluded, considering crumpling up her interim. A’s and B’s lined the grade column, but this time, it seemed B’s were becoming far more common than before. She worked hard, but working hard was apparently not enough. She’d gotten a B in honors geometry, and math, math was supposed to be a pretty strong point of hers, and besides, a B in Asian terms was very much a failing grade. And honors biology…it was best that her parents didn’t know. She’d started out great, in her and her parents and even her teacher’s book. A 100 on the test. Probably the only one. Her teacher had hailed her a science whiz, a bio genius, the next little Miss Einstein. Then an 80 something. Not bad, but not living up to the expectations. But hey, her average was still a 90 something. An A, that was good, right? The last test she’d taken, oh god. A 75. And that was after the whole class received a curve. Her biology teacher asked if something was wrong.

No, nothing. Very curt.

His face fell dramatically. His star student, a 75. Without the curve she would have failed. And failed pretty damn badly.

But life was tough, and she guessed she had to make the best of it.

She used to be on the high honor roll, you know. Used to.

Oh, hell with it. She shoved the progress report into her folder, lost amid stacks of school papers, smack in the middle of some principal-to-parent notice about viral infections that never ended up reaching her parents and her photography class guidelines.

She wanted to forget.

X

Everyone, everything, was taunting her. Taunting. A glance, a nudge, a suggestive smirk. Your lover boy’s there. Go. Go talk to him. You know you want to…

Laughter. The first few days, it had been fine. She could deal with it. I mean, friends were friends, right? And this was high school, after all. But it was getting out of hand, just way out of hand.

Shut up, you retards! she wanted to yell, maybe even smack a few around. Just because I had the guts to say how I felt and you didn’t, you morons. But she couldn’t. It was out of character. So she smiled.

Every blow, every bludgeon she received, a sharp stab to her heart. Every mock, every tease, every sly comment. She smiled. She smiled like she was too stupid to comprehend. She smiled like it was the answer to all her troubles. Shut up, she said to the ones she was close to. But she smiled as she said so. Why couldn’t she say what she wanted to and how she wanted to? Why? She hated herself for that. Her life, it was spiraling downwards. She was nothing to anyone, just that girl who confessed to that boy who sort of asked her out, but never got much of an answer in return.

A soap opera. It was like a soap opera. Back and forth, back and forth, with no end. No fucking end.

But she was still hoping. Hoping because that damn boy asked her out, then almost sort of recanted but didn’t recant, flirted with her, smiled at her. He wanted to get to know her, and for the girl, that was all she wanted at the moment. Something, specifically someone, positive to lighten up her mood.

X

She didn’t know what to do. Why the hell did she not know what to do? She always knew what to do! What happened? Damn that boy for every time he made her heart flutter, damn him for making her wait. She never wanted to wait, never ever. But.

She didn’t have to wait and be so confused. Why in the world did she not say yes when he asked her out to the movies? What front was she putting up? A I’m-too-Miss-Goody-Two-Shoes-to-disobey-my-parents act? That was bullshit. If she wanted to act the part of obedient, docile preach-the-words-of-my-parents daughter, she wouldn’t have opened her mouth and confessed in the first place. Well, good-bye ticket to happiness! Good-bye to Cinderella’s chance to ever charm her Prince Charming! And to think he was almost sort of teasing her about it afterwards!

You know, you wouldn’t have been so bored over the weekend if you had gone out to the movies with me.

Haha. Right, buddy. I got you. I got you. She didn’t say that, but she wanted to. But you know what she really did? She laughed, and she smiled. Haha, right, David. Right.

Why the hell did she not say what was on her mind?

Stupid girl.

X

You want to know, don’t you? How he ended up recanting, but not really recanting, but still sort of recanting anyways his offer to go out with her? You want to know, don’t you? Well, this is how it happened.

The movies. He had offered to take her to the movies. She said no. Rejected. She didn’t want to ever go out with a guy who didn’t like her back. Being girlfriend/boyfriend wasn’t supposed to be like that. It was supposed to be mutual. She loves him. He loves her back. Simple as that. But no. She almost felt like taking back her words: If you don’t like me, don’t go out with me.

But, like always, he surprised her: But I do.

She was silent. Stunned.

I mean, I don’t hate you, so that means I like you, right? he added.

She hated him. That jerk. But she didn’t call him a jerk. She smiled. She fucking smiled like she didn’t comprehend the meaning of his words. She fucking smiled like she was happy to hear those words, those added on words that would not have dampened her day. She fucking smiled like it was the last thing she could possibly do. And she hated herself for it. She hated him for his false hopes. She hated his entire being for everything he meant to her. She hated him because she liked so much. So very much that it hurt. And yet. She smiled. Smiled like there was no tomorrow.

It was the only thing she could think of.

X

She was starting to have doubts, little black holes that were growing. Growing oh so slowly. Insecurity, doubt, uncertainty. They were eating away at her hopes, little by little. Did he even like her? She considered this day in and day out. Why was he so…so…? She didn’t know how to describe it. So much of a pushover? Why did he say yes so easily without a fight? Why was he being so nice? And being so nice only after she told him her feelings? Why?

The other day, he had gone up to her, and said: Quite honestly, I think we should just stay friends.

Friends. Not boyfriend/girlfriend. Not crush/crushee. Not even lover/loved. But friends. Simply friends. And nothing more than friends.

Maybe you’re right, he had said. We’re rushing things a little, and I need some time to…to think about it.

She felt so much like crumpling into a ball of human paper and crying her eyes out, right then and there. She wanted to gain some magical strength and kick him where it hurt him the most. She wanted to scream at him, yell at him, bitch slap him across the face like they did in Hollywood chickflicks.

He went on to say how much better it would be that way because, well, quite frankly, it was just so sudden for him that he needed some time to himself. To absorb her feelings for him like a sponge. But. That was only after he saw the look on her face. She was certain. She still felt like crying. And to think the other day he had disregarded everyone’s mocking laughter and asked her out to the movies. Asshole.

It wasn’t the fact that he was treating her so nicely that she wanted to cry. He had given her so much hope, so much that she felt there was no other option but for her little flitting dreams of him and her, and them, to come true. A happily ever after Cinderella-gets-swept-off-her-feet-by-Prince-Charming type of story. But he had recanted his statement because he felt insecure. Felt so goddamn insecure about their relationship. And what others would think of them. Because they were high school students, and nothing more. Only freshmen.

He didn’t want a girlfriend, is all. Just tell her the truth in the first place. She wouldn’t have suffered so much because of it. Oh so very much. But. Even though she wanted to crumple into a ball of human paper. Even though she wanted to cry her eyes out, right then and there. Even though she wanted to kick him where it would hurt him the most. Even though she wanted to scream at him, yell at him, bitch slap him across the face like they did in those girl-meets-boy chick flicks. Even though she wanted to collapse into a heap of patheticism and dismay. Even though. She did not. She did no such thing. Not at all.

Instead, she smiled. A one thousand-watt smile. No, a million-watt smile. She smiled like she goddamn couldn’t understand the harsh meaning of his words. She fucking smiled like her whole being depended on the happiness she was showing him.

Everything’s going to be all right. All right.

She shattered.

A broken glass doll.

X

The jerk. That oafish buffoon. That inconsiderate, despicable excuse for a member of the male species. Him. She hated him with a fierce passion. Well, she wanted to, anyways. Why the hell was he playing with her? Her feelings? Her pure, true feelings that she held so close to her? It would have been fine if he had left it at friends, as he had told her flat out. It would have been okay with her if he told her the truth and left it at the truth. It would have been alright if he had just left her alone. But it was obvious to everyone, even her, a girl so fallen in love with the idea of being with him, and just being them, that he was toying with her. Little flirtations, comments that made her heart tango and dash and sashay all around her insides.

Do you love me, David? A joke among friends.

Of course, I love you. He smiled that brilliant smile, a sly smile that suggested he knew that was what she had wanted, really deep down inside. Her heart melted. All over again. That jerk. She wanted to forget about him and move on because they were obviously going nowhere. Yet. He managed to make her hope against the odds. All odds.

He carried her backpack for her whenever he saw her, attending to her every whim and wish. Here, I’ll hold that for you. A girl shouldn’t be carrying something so heavy. He knew. Even her friends envied her.

Girl, you got a boy breaking his back for you. You must be damn proud!

But she knew otherwise. He didn’t like her. Not more than friends, anyways. Obviously, he had been flattered by her feelings for him. Obviously, he had enjoyed the feeling of having a girl, perhaps even the first in his entire life, confess to him. Yet. He was playing her. She knew. He knew. They all knew.

She shook her head.

She couldn’t expect anything from him. She shouldn't.

X

She had decided. After hours and hours of deliberate procrastination, she had finally decided. It was something she hoped with all her might she would not regret in her lifetime. Not this one. She had had enough of his mushy ambiguous question-answers. She couldn’t hold out the light for someone who was constantly at odds with her feelings and giving her false hope. For half a year she had waited, and to what avail? She didn’t want that. She never did.

But now…now, she was ready. She was almost certain.

She would forget him and everything that he had meant to her. Don’t get it wrong; they would stay friends, but only friends. Nothing more than friends. She would let it go, let that never completely there relationship go. Let all the painful waiting and back and forth hoping slip quietly away into oblivion. She didn’t want to be hurt anymore than she already was, waiting and waiting and waiting for something that never was going to come her way.

Man, it was her goddamned right to let go and be treated without pity for her unanswered feelings. She didn’t need the person she liked to pity her. She didn’t want that.

Her decision was final. That was certain.

She will let go. She will forget everything of him and her, and them, and it will leave behind only a tiny scar left of a time when happiness with the someone she loved pained her more than anything else.

And then, after all of this, after the tears and pain of looking his way have gone, she will be strong again.

the end or thereabouts

Author's Note: Written for a friend in need. Thank you for letting me tell your story.