All I could think as the final blow struck me was, Shit.

Looking back now on that moment of death, I now realize that it doesn’t matter. I don’t care why he killed me or what I did to get myself into that particular dingy alley on that particular night with, for some God forsaken reason, that very smelly man. However, what I really find just spectacularly funny is the fact that Death didn’t seem to really want me to know what the hell my name is.

Speaking of death, I glanced up at the aloof man sitting in front of me. Ah yes, that one with the ripped body and the tanned muscular everything I can, can’t, and want to see. Oh yeah, that’s definitely starting my afterlife off right, even if I can’t remember jack squat and Death thinks it’s funny to play mind games on poor unsuspecting bounty hunters. And no, I am not bitter…spoiled bastard.

“Ahh, I just love it when my subjects think of oh-so-creative names for me. I must say my favorite was “you cherry-picking apple muncher.” What can I say? I seem to bring out the best in rotten little fetuses. Oops, was that an abortion joke? Hmmm, yes. Anyways, if you’re done ogling, I do have some business to attend,” said the drop dead gorgeous (pun intended) man in front of me as he arched his brow and leveled me a glare.

“I’m not the one giving a soliloquy. If you got business, then “attend” to it, your majesty,” I replied, leaning back away from him to escape his withering stare.

With a long-suffering sigh, he muttered something that sounded like “daily amusement” and said, “Look at yourself.”

Sure enough, I did exactly what he wanted me to, I looked down, or maybe I should say that I looked down to discover that I went from my original meager bra size of a healthy B to zero, nada, nothing, as in preteen nonexistent completely flat chest. I probably would have started crying right then if seeing the unmistakable bulge of the male anatomy in my pants didn’t distract me. I reached down to poke it with my finger just to make sure it was real when I looked at my hand, which now just happened to be huge, rough and calloused.

Uncertain, worried, and a tad bit panicked, I looked up at the smirking man who, undoubtedly, had noticed that I was going to poke myself. “So tell me, why is it that I seem to have found my way inside of a man’s body?” I asked quite politely, if I do say so myself.

His grin widened a little bit more, “You died and I gave you the courtesy of finding a body for you to… occupy.”

“What? That’s completely ridiculous! When you die, you go to heaven or you go to hell. You’re not supposed to be trapped in between with a conniving smart ass whose “daily amusement” is to screw over the little man…well, big man, I guess, out of death. Not only can’t I remember my name because someone thought it was funny to take my memories but that someone also decides ‘Oh, well since I’ve gone this far, why not give her the whole f-you package? That way it’s a well-rounded balance of fuck you from all sides,’” I practically screamed at him. Many of the customers at the little deli we were sitting in were looking around nervously, some were even staring openly. I couldn’t blame them, not after what I’d just said aloud. “Fuck,” I muttered as I relaxed my hands from the grip they’d taken on either side of the table.

“Finished?” he asked.

“Sure,” I replied sarcastically. “Are you?”

“…”

“Before you get overly pissy for loosing out on the great beyond. I’ll explain your benefits. I, through the courtesy and kindness in my heart, have given you a present which I will leave to you to discover all on your own,” he said with a self-satisfying smirk. I flicked him off. “For my genial and pain-staking efforts of rescuing you, you will also be indebted to me. In other words, you’re my bitch until the day when I decide the work outweighs the fun. Well, here’s your first job, little guy. Have fun, kiddies. Oh, and by the way, part of your payment is my entertainment at watching you suffer through this.”

“Golly gee, thanks so much,” I muttered, flopping back in my chair.

“Oh, you’re quite welcome. Anyway, as I was saying, you have so much to do and although there isn’t exactly a “time limit,” you’ll find that it’s absolutely imperative that you finish certain things at just the right time. If only you knew what the right time was…” he said with a sigh of happiness and before I could even ask one question, he got up and walked out of the deli, leaving me to sit there and contemplate the three little slips of paper he’d produced out of nowhere and left for me to puzzle over.

Puzzle over them I would…later. Right now, I needed to get the hell out of the damn deli before the people staring at me became superstitious. I carefully folded and tucked the sheets into my back pocket. Maybe if I lost them, I’d be free of responsibility…one could hope, right?

I tried to make my now-massive size body a little smaller and less imposing by hunching down some and tucking my elbows so that I wouldn't appear as threatening to the scared customers, but apparently it wasn't working. I never realized that it was possible to have people look at you as if they wanted to collectively tar, feather, and quarter you...

After escaping the deli, a wave of nausea washed over me and I realized that I was more than likely about to crack a seam all over the nice white sidewalk and the disgustingly happy gogo moms. All they were missing was the matching spandex. Gag.

I rushed to the darkened alley on the side of the deli. I hunched over and braced myself against the cold brick as I spewed light brown shit all over the concrete. Too late, I realized that it was coming out of both ends.

I felt my "hip" baggy pants fall even farther down my ass because of the endless streams of piss and shit falling out of me like Niagara on vacation. “Fuck,” I muttered as I wiped the last of the puke off my face. “This is just fucking fantastic. Bastard gives me a butt-ugly body and doesn’t even clean it out beforehand. Fucking-a.”

"Oopsies! Did schumbodee forgeet twoo wipe? I zchink zey diiid," chirped an irritably peppy high-pitched voice to my left.

"Who the fuck are..." I began but stopped when I saw the angelic face of a little girl staring up at me with the cutest dimples I'd ever seen. I was about to chew out the rotten brat when I realized what she was holding. "Umm, those wouldn’t be for me, would they?" I said, trying to conjure up a “genuine” smile.

"Meeybee. What do you saaaay?” she asked with an innocent batting of her lashes and tightening her hold on the precious pile of clean clothes she had.

“Are they in this size?” I asked, pointing to my body and hoping that I could actually cut a break.

“Well of course, silly! Why would I bring you clothes that don’t fit? Hhhmmmm?” she chirped.

“Well golly gee wiz, sparky! I guess because I’ve never seen you before and I don’t know you I was going to assume that you would just give me the shaft like everyone else I’ve seen and say ‘Fuck you bitch. They’re mine.’ So unless you would like to prove me wrong, I would suggest that you move it or loose them,” I said with only traces of sarcasm…cough. Her bottom lip was trembling and she started to look teary at my remark, so I decided to be semi-decent. “Who sent you, sparky?”

A/N: Sorry I left this off at a shitty place, I just didn't feel like editing any more of it. Toodles.