I have fallen and the angel I once was no loner has her wings. He made sure he took those too, along with my innocence. But, how could I find fault in what he did. I led him; I let him think I was ready. And, we both knew he was the elder; he should have known better. But, still how could I find fault when I wanted him as much as he wanted me.

In every step he took; in every breath he inhale; in ever word he spoke—I knew I should be ignoring, and not following. I knew I should not allow his advances. He knew he should’ve kept his hands off.

But, alas. He has me here. He has me where he wanted me all along. And, I, in my naivety; in my desire to be mature; in my haste to be a woman, I am thwarted.

“Don’t worry,” he whispers as I lay beside him. “No one will know.” I gaze over at him. His hands have began to caress, my hair, my face, and he continues until I shudder.

“I should go,” I say without the slightest hint that I will move.

“No, you should stay.” He says catching my eyes and locking me in a stare that I am desperately trying to keep away from. His piercing eyes began this tryst, and it seems they will be keeping me in this sin.

“Are you embarrassed now?” He asked, propping himself on his hands and leaning in to kiss me. Before I could answer his lips pressed against mine, and I’m not fighting it. The kiss is soft, a reassuring a kiss, a deceptive kiss that lies to me and says “I’ll protect you.” And, again, in my youth I am not yet equiped to read such a loaded gesture.

“No,” I say as he pulls away. “I’m not”

“Then, why do you want to leave?” Again, a soft question as if he only cares that I am safe and happy.

I look at him: with pleasure, knowing the feeling of him, with pain, knowing I have just lost value, and with confusion from not knowing how to reconcile the two. Still, I lay there. The covers pulled over my naked body, my eyes now staring blankly at the ceiling. Thoughts running wild. Get up and go home. This is wrong, and you shouldn’t have come here.

He asks again, realizing I am no longer there with him. “Aren’t you happy we did this?” I’m pulled back to the bed in which I let go of all inhibition, and in that question not really knowing what the hell I should be happy about. But, in his calm, I am too persuaded not to let the confused thoughts penetrate this haphazard bliss.

“I don’t,” I begin but turn to face him. His expression giving out orders. His eyes tell me not to really answer that. His pursed lips that form a sly smile tell me that I should be happy and nothing more. “I don’t know,” I disregard his instruction and turn away.

He lets out an airy laugh and lay back on the bed. “If you don’t know then why did you say yes?” This question was full of something. Anger. Hurt. I couldn’t tell.

“I don’t know.” All is could really force myself to say. The concoction of emotions raging in me kept me from saying anything else.

“I would’ve left you alone,” he began. Now, he was facing me again. I stared at him. That last comment was loaded too. And, this time I understood it. I turned to face him, and he reached over to hold me. “I just wanted you so bad,” his eyes again piercing, and letting lust fill us both. “I couldn’t stop myself.”

I said nothing as he pulled me close to him. I felt him. He was hard again. And, then I could tell that he wasn’t really asking questions. Just filling time until he was ready to take more from me. Was I ready to give it again? Was I goingt o be stronger that my lust? You have to be stronger. You have to let go, this is not like you. Gosh, I wish these thoughts would let me have this man. Stop yelling at me. I know I’m not—.

His tongue invades a part of me I didn’t think it should. How in the hell did he get down there? Thoughts are all a blur, now. And as his tongue darts back and forth, I totally forget the confusion I had a moment ago. I forget that I should be home, and someone is worried.

My hands reach down to stop him. “I really (breath) need (moan) to go,” I try to talk through the pleasure, but it’s suffocating. He pretends like he doesn’t hear. And, I pretend I didn’t say it. “Okay, don’t stop.” There goes my inhibition once more.

“I knew you’d want to stay,” he smiles between licks. The motions of his tongue, the soft kisses, the vibrations. How’d he learn all this? Duh, he’s much older. And, with that thought I let go entirely. Muscles contracting, back arching and moans unleashed. He knows what he’s doing, and doing it so well.

Whoa, what was that? The crashing of pleasure over my entire body should feel like a car wreck, but feel like an ocean wave over my body. Last night it was just as intense, and yet at this moment, it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt. “Why did I try to leave?” I whisper and his smile lets me know he’s got control again.

Kissing from there back up to my lips. I’m unsure if I want that after, well, after that! I hurriedly move my hands to his lips. His sly smile assures me he get the picture. “What? It’s yours!” he says, but still doesn’t try to kiss me.

“I know,” I say trying to sound like my knowledge precedes me. “It’s just that, you know..”

He’s forgotten about it already as he enters me for the second time. “I don’t care,” he begins confirming that. “I just want you again.” And I wanted him again. So, I wasn’t going anywhere, not while he had me like this. Not when the whole world could go up in flames and I not notice. Not in this state of mind.

“You can have me,” I was completely gone again. And, without hesitation, without worrying about the last few minutes of objection, I kissed him. Pushing my tongue into his mouth and daring him to stop me. As if he would.

The passion of that kiss crippled him for a second, but as soon as he could feel I was ready, he took me again. He lay on top, thrusting back and forth, not giving me a second to breath. Not that I needed it. I was with him, every thrust, every moan, and every kiss. I was completely with him.

And, in the moment that we both came (together this time), I was with him. Eyes fixed upon each other, breathes coinciding, I was with him. If someone could take a snapshot of this moment it would seem as if we had been lovers forever, not just a night. I didn’t want him to let go. But, as I was coming off my high, he began to let go. Rolled off me and lay next to me, and with an exhale of air, he let go.

It was abrupt, “I think we should chill for a minute.” He said as he crossed his arms behind his head. Again, in my youth, I could not comprehend the meaning in that statement.

“Why,” I began with a girlish glee reminiscent of a child hyped up on sugar. “Are you tired?” I let out a playful giggle.

He turned to face me. I stared at him, still not catching the hint he was sending loudly. “No,” he began as if gathering the courage to attack, “you know what I mean.” He held my stare, and this time he wasn’t charming or sexy. He was cold and detached.

“Oh,” again trying to show that my maturity was with his, “I see.”

“yeah, well, you know,” he began, not thinking I was going to take it like that. “We can hang sometime.”

“Sure,” I said. And, I knew there was supposed to be some emotion is was needing to feel right now. Desperation, hurt, pain—I couldn’t quite sort it out. “We can hang, I guess, some other time.”

He let out a sigh of relief. “You’re so cool,” he leaned in to kiss me. “I thought you’d be all mad at me.”

That was it, anger. And yet, at that realization, I still couldn’t configure the right words to express it. “Yeah,” was all I could find.

“So,” he began as he pulled away and sat up. I sat up to keep his stare. I couldn’t let go of his eyes, no matter how distant they were. “We’re good then.” More of a statement than a question of care.

“Yeah,” I wasn’t acting like I knew what was going on. “We’re cool.”

There was this numbness as we both got dressed. Not anything like Novocain. But, something else. You should’ve left last night. Why did you stay? What’s wrong with—

“So, I’ll just take you home,” he broke my thoughts.

“Uh-huh,” I was on autopilot by now. “That’ll be fine.”

What more could I honestly say to him. He wanted me. I wanted him. There was no force here. He asked. I answered. There were no strings attached. But, still that numbness wouldn’t find somewhere else to rest. It nestled itself inside my chest, and threatened to strangled my poor, naïve heart. Did that sound too cliché?

Then, there was the ride back. Quiet, but for the rock music blaring out of his car stereo. Seemingly drowning out the noise that filled my head. He was so content in his accomplishment. I stared over at him. Singing to whatever song came on. And he stared back one time, smiling, as if he thought I was just as satisfied. And I was. But, I swear, this deadened feeling was starving the life out of me. I couldn’t muster the nerve to say that I was dying inside, so I smiled back. He rested his hand on my knee. Yesterday, that would’ve sent chills through my body. But today, the dullness inside abated anything positive.

I have fallen and the angel I once was no loner has her wings. I mean, I still have them. But, I just have to carry them in a bag to hide the broken piece that fell off that night. And since, it’s damaged so, I just decided to keep it hidden until I find someone who can fix it.