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Love is bittersweet
“No, no, no! That’s wrong! You’re supposed to do it this way!” Zara yelled in frustration. Kaine sighed and set down his mask. He knew he had done it again. Done it wrongly.
“Ten minutes, Kaine. Ten minutes and I want you to make sure you do it right the next time!” there was no concrete answer from Kaine, he just cast Zara an inscrutable look, threaded his fingers through his dark hair and then started walking towards the exit.
Zara stared at his retreating back in exasperation. The three times that they had rehearsed, or tried to, all ended in frustration from all the cast members. There was something wrong with Kaine, but no one knew what was the matter that got him so upset that the usually perfect, one-time-is-enough, guy messed up so badly this time round. Having consistently perfected his roles only after once or twice of rehearsals, Zara knew that something was really off today. Not only did Kaine take three rehearsals, he got worse and worse after every one. Zara was curious about was what had shaken up this normally stoic guy, who only showed strong emotion during his time on stage.
He was clearly distracted, and it was most likely not about something good.
“Blast it, Zara. How many times are we going to do this? We keep getting stuck at Kaine’s part. If this continues, I fear we might not make it in time for the opening.” Lucas, her husband, groaned, clearly at a loss.
“I don’t know, Lucas, I really don’t know…” with the way this entire thing was going down, they might have to replace Kaine in order to proceed, and this was something Zara would never want to do. Not only was Kaine one of the best actor she had ever seen, he was also her dear brother-in-law, and she would never want to do that to him. Zara knew, as well as Lucas did, that acting was Kaine’s life.
Even thought Kaine never did say it out to them, they knew. The kind of passion that he exuded on the stage, no matter what he was playing at, and the amount of time and effort he puts in for each and every show was amazing.
But now… even Lucas, Kaine’s beloved brother, could not break through to him.
But then again that was kind of meaningless. It doesn’t matter if he felt calm now. Heck, he would still feel the guilt that hung on tight, weighing down his heart. The anger; self-hatred came rushing back. His temples pounded, aching like the devil.
Entering the small café, he ordered a black coffee and brought it to a table at the back. From his vantage point, he could see the waitresses and all the patrons.
Everything around him seems so mechanical… he leaned back and sighed. Closing his eyes, he let the sounds rush over him. It wasn’t that he wanted to be distracted, he just couldn’t concentrate anymore. Kaine knew that he should be trying to figure out what was wrong with him, but he just couldn’t get up the energy to care.
She had him in knots and she didn’t even know it.
The thing was, he did know what was wrong with him, but if it meant getting out of denial, it would also mean that he had to stop seeing her, stop thinking about her. He just… he just couldn’t do that.
The coffee settled like a heavy weight in Kaine’s stomach, and he stood up. He called Zara and told her he was sorry, but cut off the phone before she could ask him where he was. He didn’t want anyone to know.
He needed to be alone.
Stepping out of the café, he walked down the pathway with his head down. He remembered he used to walk around aimlessly while he was with her. It didn’t matter at that time; he just wanted to be with her. When and wherever didn’t matter, nothing did. Just that she was with him.
For the first time in his life, he had felt what it was like to be needed, missed. She stuck around in his mind like a stubborn thorn that refused to be taken out, and the constant meetings with her were a torture as he tried to keep his feelings buried down.
She was the owner of a bakery that specializes in cakes of different shapes and sizes. Kaine had first stumble upon her shop when on his way back home from the theatre after a bad rehearsal. He had again been stuck upon that useless habit of his to wander around with no thought to where he was going. It was the sight of the cakes that stopped him in his tracks. They were simple chocolate cakes, but the way they were made reminded him of light touches. They seem to be fluffy and light, pretty and yet seductive.
One of his pet peeves was that he loved chocolate, though he could never figure out why he did. The way those cakes were made and the wonderful smell of more coming from the oven made his feet decide for him. They led him into the shop; his brain wasn’t complaining either. It was there that he met her, with smudges of chocolate and flour on her face and apron. She greeted him with a harried expression, obviously distracted by the fact that she was muti-tasking so much that even for Kaine, it made his head spin.
Deciding against interrupting her, Kaine drifted around her shop, looking at the myriad assortments of cakes and pastries she had on display. The aroma of them made his head dizzy with heavenly pleasure.
On the outside, Kaine didn’t seem much like someone who loved eating all those sweet stuff, but well, his pet peeve with chocolate seems to also encompass everything that has to do with sugar.
Still he wasn’t about to tell everyone that he could be bought by a bar of chocolate, so only his family knew about this.
Again his attention returned to the display of chocolate cakes he had first seen, staring at them.
“Excuse me, mister? Do you want something?” this was asked in a clear voice, and then the face of the shopkeeper came into his view through the glass box on the other side. Kaine was startled that he jumped when her face came into view so abruptly.
A peel of laughter rang out and Kaine felt his face grow warm. He cleared his throat and glanced up, and was greeted by a smile on a pixie-like face.
“So sir, what do you want?” she said and the smile was still obvious in her voice and her mischievous eyes, even though it was no longer on her face.
Amused and embarrassed by his reaction and also temporarily disable of his voice box, Kaine just pointed to the chocolate cake that he had been staring so intently at. She smiled again and Kaine was struck by her innately attractive features, just so fitting for the kind of environment they were in; sweet like the cakes around her.
She had just finished packing up the cake when suddenly alarms started to ring. Eyes wide, she cursed and ran into the kitchen. Kaine heard sounds of oven doors banging open and then the acrid smell of burnt cake hit his nose just as a black cloud of smoke streamed out from the open door.
“Ah, God damn it!” was faintly heard through all the commotion before she finally reappeared, looking a little worse for wear. She grinned innocently up at him and bit her lip.
“The cake is fine.”
Then he started laughing. He couldn’t stop, not even after she glared up at him, which involuntarily caused him to laugh even harder.
He managed to choke out “How much for the cake?” before resuming laughing again. She stuck her tongue out at him and replied “Eighteen-fifty, please.” She was laughing at herself too, Kaine thought as he drew out his wallet.
“I'm Kaine, nice to meet you.” He grinned at her.
“I’m Diana, so sorry you had to witness that. Don’t worry, it only happens once a day.” She said with a straight face.
Kaine stared at her incredulously for a moment and then they both cracked up.
That day, he had left with a heart lighter that it had ever been for a while.
Day after day he had then visited her, buying her cakes. His little secret, really. They had become friends, slowly becoming accustomed to each other.
Though the reasons that he came to her shop so often was not only because of her cakes, but also because of her. Somehow she always seem to bring him into a place where he felt comfortable in; no pretension was needed with her. He could just be what he wanted to be. Diana was…
Well, he didn’t know what she was… just that she had become someone important to him. Not even realizing it, somehow…he had fallen in love with her. In small degrees, slowly her warmth filed his heart, replacing the empty echo of what it used to be before his parents had died and left him and his brother alone. With her colorful humor and smiles, he had been willingly drawn into her world, sucked in by his own yearning to be loved.
As a child, he had always been alone in a sense, never really letting anyone close enough to him to understand him. Other than Lucas, he didn’t have a memory of anyone who knew him like his brother does.
He had closed himself off from the world, and created a façade, hiding himself from others. But Diana had sneaked in between the cracks; he had let her.
And now he paid for it.
A week ago…
It was winter, a period of cold iciness that pierced through this armor, a time when he cannot stop expressions on his face. Rehearsals for the upcoming play were scheduled to commence this week, and he was tired from the long trip up to England where the previous play was staged.
With only two days of rest allowed for him, he felt the strain clearly. But he didn’t want to rest… he desperately wanted to see her.
All through the two weeks he was away, he couldn’t stop thinking about her. There was no helping it.
Rubbing his temples, he crossed the street after making sure that there were no approaching cars. He could see Diana’s shop right in front of him. A small smile appeared on his lips as he stepped on the curb and strode across the small distance, before pushing the door open.
The toasty warmth of her shop hit him in the face, and the familiar smells surrounded him like a beloved blanket. Diana peered out from her kitchen at the sound of the door hitting the bell and she grinned at the sight of him. Moving out of the kitchen, she wiped her hands on her apron and approached him.
“How was it?” she asked him with a tilt of her head.
“It was good. We got a standing ovation.” He replied nonchalantly, the tiny smile still in place.
“Standing ovation, eh? You say it like its nothing.” she shot back with and arched eyebrow.
“It isn’t anything, really. Happens all the time.” Kaine drawled lazily as he leaned against the counter beside her.
“Hah.” She muttered, poking him and faking annoyance with her hand on her hips. He smirked back at her. Diana smiled and hugged him, laying her head on his shoulder.
“Glad you’re back.”
She barely reached his chin, and he could smell the lovely strawberry scent of her shampoo this close. With her arms tight around his waist, he could help but want her to look up at him. His arms coming up to wrap around her small frame, he squeezed her close.
Diana gave out a yelp and stared up at him.
“You’re squeezing me too…” she trailed off, eyes widening.
He couldn’t help himself. He leaned down…
His eyes on hers, vivid green met chocolate brown, and his hand came up to cup her neck. Hovering against her lips, he hesitated. But then he closed his eyes and let the feel of her wash over her, let him…
The door bell tinkled.
Kiss her.
She jerked apart from his hold, stepping backwards awkwardly. Diana cleared her throat and looked up at the person standing in the shop. She refused to look at Kaine.
Kaine turned around, hands clenched. His cousin had come into the shop, apparently looking for him. David stood there with an arched eyebrow, looking at Kaine pointedly.
He glared his offending cousin. David moved towards him innocently.
“it’s damn hard to find this place…even when I did come here once before.” He said and his face clearly showed he was amused.
“Oh and by the way, Zara and Lucas are looking for you, Kaine. You better get going.”
“right.” Kaine answered reluctantly, shooting his cousin a poisonous look. He turned back to Diana, opened his mouth, and then closed it. He didn’t know what to say.
“Come back soon, yes?” she said with a tilt of her lips.
He smiled back at her, grateful that she…well, grateful.
The interaction between them, the closeness. The times he would come in and see them together. Smiling… laughing… there seemed to be no time for him now. Diana… they were drifting apart. She should know how he felt about her now. But she…didn’t feel the same way. Not if she looked at David in the way that he wanted her to look at him with.
The trips to the bakery were getting less and less frequent. He didn’t want to be there anymore. Didn’t want to see it. He wanted to deny it, wanted to pretend that it wasn’t happening.
But it did. And he hated himself for letting it happen to him. Letting the hurt in again. He was to be blamed. In a desperate attempt to feel worthy, he had let down his armor and given her his heart. And it was too late to get it back.
Kaine had always been envious of the love that Lucas and Zara had, the kind of warmth that they had together. He was jealous of it. He wanted it for himself. He wanted the little secret smiles, and the small touches on the hand, wanted the kind of ease they had with each other.
He thought he had found that in Diana. It wasn’t until the mask had fallen did he realized that he was wrong.
Terribly wrong.
And now all the blame was on him; on his stupidity. To try and swallow himself up in his work, even if that wasn’t working the way he wanted it.
He hadn’t seen her since that day.
And then there was Christmas. He found it hard to be happy this season, and the talk of dinner and presents seem to depress him even more. The plays that he had been cast to act in didn’t come out right at all, and his temper seem to fray at the ends, most of the time ending up explosive.
Lucas had tried to talk to him, but all Kaine did was to pretend he was fine, pretend that there was nothing wrong. But he knew it couldn’t last. This lull was the calm before the storm. It was either leave, or be hurt every time David mentioned ‘someone’.
Five days before Christmas, Kaine was called down to the theatre and watched a desperately harried Lucas trying to find David. The costumes that he had asked David to keep for him until the evening of the opening were not here.
With cast and crew members lining up to do a last rehearsal, he needed to find David as soon as possible.
“Kaine, where’s David?!” screeched Lucas, grabbing his younger brother by the shoulders and shaking him with a manic light in his eyes. Only raising an eyebrow, the question remained unanswered.
“Urgh! Damn you and damn him!” Lucas threw his hands down theatrically and stomped away.
“Okay that was really weird.” Kaine muttered as he turned away. He nearly tripped over Zara who was standing behind him. She too, had that manic look in her eye.
Ookkaaayy…what now?
“Don’t worry about him; he can be really gay and over sometimes.” Zara said in reply to his arched eyebrow.
“The stress is really getting to him. Without costumes, the play would be a disaster. Should have known not to trust that brat with my costumes. I'm going to skewer him if he doesn’t come back before the opening… Should have picked it up from the dry cleaner by myself…” Zara rambled angrily.
“Anyway, I think you know where he is, since you’re his best buddy. Be a good boy and fetch him for me, yes? If not…” her look turned evil. “I'm going to dump you in a pot of boiling water and cackle while stirring you.”
Satisfied that she had frightened him enough, Zara gave him one last narrowed look before prancing away in a hurry.
Groaning now that he had to find that idiot himself, Kaine resigned himself to the fact that there was no escaping. He knew this play was important for his brother and his wife.
Bound by duty, he set off to do what he had vowed not to do.
In ten minutes, he was standing in front of the door to Diana’s bakery, hands tucked warmly in his jacket pockets. He had found his cousin. Using his shoulder to nudge open the door, he slipped in.
He couldn’t feel the warmth of the room. He could only feel the cold as he saw David leaning against the door jam leading to where Diana baked. They were talking to each other. Then Diana pulled David into the kitchen.
Kaine stood there, watching the two of them. He knew he shouldn’t have come. This was a mistake.
He would tell David and be done with this.
Striding forward, he moved towards the kitchen.
Everything was so bright. Lights were everywhere. They were decorating for Christmas. Tinsel lined the table where she worked at and the cabinets too. Diana was holding on to a stool while David was hanging up decorations on the ceiling. They seem so happy together...
Kaine didn’t want to look. The scene hurt him, and he didn’t want to feel that way. All the self hatred came back…
“David, Lucas is waiting for the costumes; you better go get it before he kills you tomorrow.”
David glanced at him and hopped down from the stool.
“Oh right! I forgot,” he said sheepishly, holding out the decorations to Diana. She took them from him.
“Alright better get going.” She smiled at him.
The bell rang and a gust of cold wind blew in.
“Oh wait, that must be Abby. Kaine, could you hold this for me, please? I need to tell her something. David, wait for me!” placing the decorations in his hands, she grabbed David’s arm and moved out of the kitchen.
Kaine closed his eyes. It hurt. It really hurt. She didn’t see him anymore. All she saw was David…all David. He heard them talking with another woman. Abby. He looked around, trying to see where he could put down the decorations. He spotted a place beside Diana’s working table and placed them down. He really wanted to go. To get away.
About to walk out of the kitchen, he overheard them talking. Before he couldn’t hear the exact words, but now…
“Abby, this is David, my boyfriend. David, this is Abby, my best friend.”
Eyes going wide, Kaine stumbled to a stop before the door. He slumped against the back of a wall. He didn’t want to hear this… he really didn’t.
There was a faint reply that he could make out, but her heard Diana’s voice clearly.
“Yeah, Abby, this is the guy you have been pestering me to tell you about.”
Oh god, he had to leave. It was killing him. Pinpricks of pain sliced into him palms, and he realized that he was clenching them until his nails bit into flesh.
He heard Abby say something again, and then the door bell tinkled, opening and then closing.
He finally found his legs again. He had to leave, had to leave now.
Walking out of his hiding place, he tried to act as if he was alright; he was a good actor anyway. Suppressing his need to look at Diana, he ignored her as much as he could and focused on David.
“You better go, David.” There was a stricken look on David’s face, but Kaine couldn’t have cared less.
“Right, um, yes. I’ll see you around.” he muttered, and kissed Diana on her cheek before leaving.
A hand touched Kaine’s and he turned around. He could act. He could.
“I wish you luck.” He told her, pulling away. And without another word, he left.
“Wait! Kaine, wait!” he heard it, but he did not stop walking.
All he felt was emptiness and the hurt that he had only felt once before. Even that could not be compared to what he felt now.
Broken was the word. Yes. Broken.
The New Year was just a day away. He wasn’t looking forward to it. Lucas and Zara were yet again overseas for another staging. This time there won’t be another house party. And he was happy for that.
Yanking the fridge door open, he pulled out a bottle of vodka. The only other option for him to forget was to drink until he could no longer think.
Slumping down on the couch he closed his eyes and tilted the bottle to his lips. The alcohol burned down his throat, and it was a welcome distraction to the thoughts running rampant through his head.
Ten minutes, a bottle of vodka and white wine later, he was fast asleep.
“Go… away…” he muttered into the cushion. The pounding continued, now even harder. It was driving him nuts.
“I said, go away!” he yelled at the door, causing himself more pain then the person on the opposite end. He moaned.
“Kaine, get your lazy ass out of bed and open the bloody door!” the muffled voice of David managed to come through.
Ah damn. Kaine tried to ignore the noise, stuffing his head under the cushion. When it became apparent that David wasn’t going to stop until he opened the ‘bloody door’ Kaine got off the couch and stumbled his way blindly into his bathroom and took some aspirin.
Then he staggered towards the door and flung it open.
“What the hell do you want?” he stared blearily at David.
“Diana’s been looking for you. Where have you been? You haven’t been answering her calls.”
The only answer David got was the trademark arched eyebrow and question thrown back in his face.
“So?” Kaine asked sardonically. His cousin gave his an incredulous look.
Mouth opened.
“how can you not care? You heartless bastard, don’t you know how much you hurt her?”
Kaine waited a moment.
“Is that all you have to say? Yes? Good. I'm going back to sleep.” and then he slammed the door shut.
Giving a look towards the house phone he had disconnected, he shrugged. Nothing good would come from Diana’s calls. He didn’t want to see her.
It is dark already. Funny how time flies when you’re doing something, but so slow when you’re not.
He stood up and went into the kitchen. He started picking out ingredients to cook dinner.
The fresh smell of herbs and spices calmed him down, and he started chopping up some tomatoes.
An hour after he started, he had his dinner.
It wasn’t much, just spaghetti and meat balls. But it was his favorite comfort food and he needed it.
Turning on the TV, he sat down and ate while watching nothing in particular. It was just the usual countdown parties live on scene.
A gathering for lonely people who didn’t have anyone to celebrate with…
The music broadcasted was nice and he decided to watch it. Finishing his food and washing up, he sat down on the couch again.
He was drifting off to sleep at around eleven when his cell phone rang.
“Hello?” he mumbled sleepily.
“Hey Kaine, its Zara. I need you to do me a favor.”
“Yeah, sure. What is it?” Kaine asked curiously.
“Can you go get Lucas from the theater? He’s been there since this morning. He refused to come home unless Tabby stopped shredding his clothes on entry. I can't convince him to come back. And I can't leave Tabby alone. You know how she is. I don’t know what will happen to the house if I leave her alone.”
Knowing Tabby, Zara’s insane kitten who has a liking for biting on stuff and hanging on to Lucas’s leg with her teeth sunk in his jeans, Kaine couldn’t help it. He laughed.
“Yeah sure, I’ll go get him.”
Forty minutes later, Kaine stepped onto the theater’s stage.
“Ah-ha! There you are! My saving grace!” Lucas greeted him with a hug once he reached the other side of the stage.
“Actually, that’s a lie. I have my own car. I don’t need you.”
“Huh?” Kaine answered, confused.
“But she…she needs to talk to you.” Lucas looked pointedly behind him.
“Don’t screw this up.” He said quietly. “I’ll see you around then.” Lucas patted Kaine’s shoulder and then left.
Kaine turned around. Stared at Diana.
“Kaine,” she said softly. “I’m sorry.” Moving towards him, she took his hands. The lights were shining down on the two of them alone. He stood there silently waiting for her.
“This didn’t turn out the way it was supposed to be. It was all wrong. I tried to make you jealous, Kaine. I thought that would work. I thought it would make you… I know it was a stupid idea... shouldn’t have let David convince me that it would work. Dear God, I messed this up. I'm sorry you were hurt for nothing.”
The grip she had on his hands tightened when he didn’t say anything.
She was getting desperate.
“Please Kaine. I’m sorry. I love you… I love you.” She whispered pulling him into a hug.
No… this can't be happening…
His arms wrapped around her, and the scent of her shampoo reminded him of that time…
He closed his eyes.
“You’re just playing with me.”
“It’s real. It’s real Kaine. There was never anything between David and I. we were just friends. You know, he’s in love with my friend Abby.” she said against his shirt.
“Please believe me.” she stared up at him desperately. The tears in her eyes…
She really loves me…
The clock chimed.
Twelve.
He searched her eyes… wanting it to be true.
Eleven.
Her hand reached up to cup his face.
Ten.
“Please…believe me…”
Nine. Eight.
She broke away, disappointment apparent in her eyes.
Seven. Six.
He does not believe me. Even when I told him what he means to me…
Five. Four.
She was halfway across the stage, tears running down her cheeks.
Three. Two.
Going after her, he hesitated, grabbing her arm.
“Diana?”
One.
“I love you too.” And then he kissed her with all his heart.
“I love you…have always loved you since the beginning.” He told her, wiping away her tears.
Cheers echoed around the city and cries of ‘Happy New Year!’ were heard as the new year began.