Something just isn’t right, I can feel it inside…

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

2:33 PM

I just slept for about two and a half-hours straight. It may have had something to do with the PRN (as needed) dose of Haldol I took, it may have had something to do with how late I went to sleep last night. I’m not looking forward to tonight’s battle over where I’ll sleep, but I know it’s inevitable. I could try to run away from the whole hospital before bedtime. I don’t think it will work, but it’s worth the try. I have nothing left to lose.

Abby’s in the Quiet Room yet again, but at least this time she’s not screaming and crying. I feel bad for her. I think seeing her struggle hurts me so deeply because in many ways she’s similar to me. In some ways she’s really different though. For example I would never call people assholes or jerks straight to their faces. I might think it, but I would never call them that out loud. Still, she does remind me of me.

I’m so scared to sleep in my room, but I’m also really scared of doing something and losing my pass for tomorrow.

The whole top of my hand is sore from when I bit it. I think I may have bitten through a nerve when I clenched my teeth around my skin. There’s no bruising yet, but I’m sure a bruise will appear soon.

I have a pimple on my chin that’s driving me crazy. Hopefully I’ll be able to get some acne cream when I go on my pass with my dad,

June 6th 2006

Day 20 at the hospital

8:22 AM

Today’s the day of my pass! It will be my first time going off hospital grounds in two weeks! My dad said that he’ll be here mid morning, which I assume means around ten o’ clockish. As soon as Estefany, another patient, gets off the phone I’m going to call home and find out the exact time my dad will be here.

Hopefully my dad already left, because if I wait too long for him I think I’ll explode with excitement. Waiting is even worse because the groups don’t even start until later in the morning on Sundays.

I hate Sundays because my body seems incapable of sleeping late, so I always wake up way before everyone else and I end up being bored out of my mind, even when I was at home.

Yesterday night was kind of rough. I tried sleeping in my room, but not for very long. I ended up getting so scared and out of control feeling that I started banging my head against the wall. Really hard. Frank, one of the staff, grabbed my head to stop me from banging and then led me over to the couch. He read a little of the first Harry Potter book to me and I started to doze off. I was half asleep when someone covered me with my comforter that my mom had brought in from home, then they tucked me in. I think it

I just used the pen to scratch a mosquito bite, but then I realized that it might look like I’m hurting myself with the pen, so I stopped. I definitely don’t want to get this pen taken away.

Estafany’s still on the phone and I’m getting frustrated waiting. I also just heard one of the boys say that he needs to make a phone call next. I hope staff remembers that I asked first.

I click my retainer on and off my teeth because the repetitive clicking feels good and it gives me something to do.

June 7th

Day 21 at the hospital

I just realized that I got my period. I hate that I get it. It’s messy, it’s gross, and it’s a pain in the butt. At least my period explains the horrible cramps I’ve been getting the past two days. I kind of hoped thought, that I lost enough weight to stop getting it, but I guess I just have to eat even less. I think I get weighed tomorrow and I’m really worried that I gained some weight, even if it was just water weight it would bother me.

My pass yesterday went really. It felt so nice and normal to be walking around in the outside world. I wish I was going home to the outside world, instead of going to a residential treatment facility. I’m probably going to the Sterling Center for Children, it’s the residential place that my mom was telling me about. At least the Sterling Center for Children is only half an hour away from my house though.

I wish Dr. White could understand that I’m not just being stubborn about not sleeping in my room. I hope he reads the letter I wrote him and understands it. He probably won’t though, he’s pretty stubborn himself. I’m scared I might punch him. I get so angry and anxious. I pretty much know that I won’t punch him though. I usually have pretty good control over myself when it comes to not hurting other people.

I know I’m hopping around between subjects, but I’m really worried that when I go to the Sterling Center they’ll put me in a group of older kids or something. I’m also worried that I’ll go there before my birthday and I’ll ending up trying to kill myself so I can stay fifteen, and then I’ll just end up right back in the hospital. I want to stay here in the hospital just past my birthday and then leave, but I’m scared that if I ask to stay here that long I’ll lose my spot at Sterling Center. I don’t really know what to do. Should I tell someone my worry or not?

I guess I just need to not focus on that for now and just focus on today and getting through today, hour by hour.

I can’t believe I’ve already filled up half this journal. I’ve only had it for two months, but then a lot has happened in the past two months.

I wonder if Abby actually likes it in the hospital. She seems to hate talking to her parents on the phone and she behaves in a way where there’s no way they’ll let her leave. I don’t really know what goes on in her head. I guess no one except her does though, No one ever knows for sure what’s going on in someone else’s head. That’s kind of a scary thought. At least it’s scary for me to think that I never know what other people are really thinking about.