I know a boy
who fears nothing, he says
“all fear is rooted in
death” he tells me that
he’s not afraid of death and
what comes after or God
or damnation—I envy him
and his mapped-out life
because I am afraid
of falling, of getting lost,
of being cast out of heaven
because I know my affections are
not quite straight—but he
tells me that God doesn’t
give a damn
who shares my bed.

I wonder
how he can be so
sure of that
because I know another boy
who damns me—he says
I and all like me will burn
and I know a woman
who told me once “it’s not what God
intended—you’re just scared
of men, honey, and think that
girls are safe.”

oh mother, you’re wrong
I’ve been hurt by girls
and not one tear has been truly shed
for any boy in my life
and isn’t love about vulnerability
after all?

in the seventh grade,
I knew people
who knew I was gay or bi or
whatever I am—somehow
they saw what I refused to see
and I fell for a girl last year
undeniably
I can’t write off that crush
so easily.

and slowly, slowly, my mother
is accepting the fact that
I don’t know who I’ll love
and a white wedding is not
guaranteed
she says “significant other”
instead of “husband”
when my father isn’t around
and I wonder if he even knows
if she told him or if
this is a secret
if she’s ashamed of me or
if he would be ashamed.

eventually I’ll tell him
when I’m sure
when I have to;
I know a boy
who told me I could always
wait until the last moment
—procrastination at its finest—
“Dad, I’m getting married, but
it’s not what you think…”

I laughed and laughed
because I’m not sure
how that would go over
but it probably wouldn’t
end well—and I hate that
fear of other people’s thoughts
and expectations
I know books and movies
that say no one’s opinions on how
I live my life should matter
just me and God—but
books lie
my family matters, my friends matter
people matter to me and if I lose them
where will I be? nowhere, empty
nothing
but I know deep in me
that I have to be true to
myself
regardless of the consequences.

I cannot help being
what I am
a silly, scared little girl
who is anything but completely
straight.

the fearless boy I know
asked me what I fear—
and I told him
I am afraid of
myself.