Chapter 10

It had been two weeks since that day at Austin’s house and I hadn’t spoken to any of the boys. Nor did they attempt to speak to me. It didn’t go unnoticed.

“Hey Tonya, what are you up to later?” Sarah had approached me after chorus one day. I shrugged. “I don’t know…Why?”

“Well, me and Sophie are going out the movies. We wanted to know if you’d come with us. Like a girls night sort of thing.”

I shrugged.

“Tonz, you haven’t been out of the house since that last fight with the guys. What’s going on?”

Just then, Austin Sam and Travis walked by without even glancing at me. “I’ll come.” I said.

“Huh?”

“Tonight. I’ll come out with you and Soph.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. It’ll be fun. I haven’t hung out around girls in a while. It’ll be a nice change.” I smiled as best as I could. Sarah didn’t seem convinced, but she let it drop and went off to her next class.

During lunch, Sam sat right across from me with some of our other friends. I wasn’t sure if I preferred that to him sitting across the room. Once again, I wasn’t really listening to the conversation. I was trying as hard as I could to zone his voice right out.

“I could probably ask any of the girls in chorus to the prom and they’d say yes.” Sam was saying to one boy, Matt. “I mean, if you were a girl, especially a younger one, wouldn’t you say yes?”

Matt laughed at him. I snorted and got up. Sam looked up at me and muttered “Attitude.”

I looked back at him “I’m sorry, Sam. It’s just that I’m feeling a little Closterphobic, you know, with your huge ego taking up all the space in here.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“Geez, what is your problem lately?”

“Havent you figured it out?” I grabbed my books. “You’re my problem.” And I left, hearing him mutter “Bitch.” Under his breath.

And that was how our relationship went for the next 2 months.

Then it was February. And out of nowhere, Austin called me.

“Hello?”

“Hey Tonnie."

"...Austin?"

"What's up?"

"Uhh...nothing really. You?"

"Nothing. I was wondering if you wanted to go out tonight?"

I didnt answer right away...was there a catch?

"Tonya?"

"Oh...Uh, Yeah...Sure. I'll come out. Where do you want to go?"

"I dont know. We can just drive around and talk if you want. I havnt heard from you in a while." Well, yeah...you've been ignoring me.

"Sure. I'll pick you up in an hour."

"Sounds good."

"Bye."

When I picked Austin up that night, I felt a little awkward. Reasonably so. We hadnt spoken in weeks and for no reason. Just some stupid "Man Law" that said they had support each other...especially after a breakup...even when it is clear that the girl was right...

We drove aimlessly around town as we had done many times before (though usually accompanied by Travis and Sam) until we fell into casual conversations about school and Austin's girlfriend, Gina, who was in college. Our driving eventually lead us to the beach on the other side of town where we all use to hang out up on the dunes durring the summer. Travis and Austin would bring their guitars and Sam and I would carry two pizza pies up the steep slopes of sand and dirt and trees and we'd sit up there until all ungodly hours of the night and early morning, jamming, eating and watching stars.

Even though it was the middle of february, I parked the car and got out. Austin followed and without thinking of the biting cold, we began to hike up the dunes. Perhaps out of pure habit.

When we got to the top, there was the familiar clearing in the trees where we sat in the sand and were completely silent. I moved a little closer and rested my head against Austin's chest. I hardly noticed that I was freezing. Nor did I notice that I was crying, until the tears turned into violent sobs. Austin didn't say anything. He just wrapped his arm around me.

"Is it about Sam?" he asked finally.

I nodded.

"You still love the bastard don't you?"

I nodded again. Then I looked up "I hate him! I hate him so much! His attitude, his new found ego...He's pig headed, arrogant, self centered and...and...Perfect in every way! at least to me he is...And I hate it so much and I hate me for not being able to truly hate him! After everything he's put me through this year- and I know, it's mostly my own fault somehow, I know I over react, and I'm a bitch to him about it and I know other people are getting mad at me because I talk about him all the time...But I cant stop! He makes me lose control! I hate it!" I took a deep breath after my rant.

Austin looked up at the sky. "It's because you love him...That's why you hate him so much. They are both such passionate emotions, love and hate. In order to truly hate someone as much as you hate Sam and as much as he claims to hate you, you have to really love them first. "

And somehow that made sense to me. Except, "Sam doesnt love me."

"I really wouldnt be too sure."

"I would." I wiped my eyes with my sleeve.

"He's confused. You've both said and done things this year to hurt each other, whether you did it purposely or not. Now both of you are hurt and confused and you just need to give him time and space to think it all through."

"Easier said than done. He's everywhere."

"Yeah. I know it's hard, Tonnie, but it'll all work out in the end. God, the way you two act it's as if your married. I wouldnt be surprised if you got married...Your kids would be pretty screwed up."

I actually laughed at this. "Yeah right. We wouldnt even make it past the vows. The Priest would say 'you may now kill the bride' and then we'd both shoot each other."

Austin smirked and kissed my cheek. "Everything's going to be fine. It's obvious youre both still in love with each other. I'll beat it into him if I have to. You'll see."

I nodded, trying to convince myself to believe him.