Lying in bed at night,

I think back to the past.

These past nineteen years

have gone by so god damn fast.

It seems like just yesterday

I was still only five years old,

waiting by the front door

for daddy to come home,

sleeping in mommy’s bed

on the nights that he didn’t,

knowing all the things that,

they’d thought they’d hidden.

It seems like just yesterday I wasn’t the same person,

and yet I was.

I see the world turn around me,

but I’m still standing still.

I see the pain and look away,

and drown it out with pills.

The silence in my heart and mind

is silencing my soul,

and yet inside I’m crying out

to give in and lose control,

live for the moment

and just for a second forget that I care,

stop the tears streaming down my face

and let go of the despair,

just,

let go.

For a second, god please,

let me live my life with ease,

let me know that today I can do

whatever I want

and that I’ll still be happy tomorrow.

Let me know,

that there will be,

a tomorrow.

Take away the fear

that keeps my thoughts inside.

Give me back the confidence to live

that I’ve been too long denied.

All my life

I’ve had so much to say,

and each time I open my mouth,

I feel I’m giving a piece of myself away.

I feel I’m always hiding something

I don’t want the world to know,

that there’s always a certain part of me

that I’m not yet willing to show,

because I fear that when you see me for who I am,

you might have to walk away.

I need the strength

to see when I’m wrong

to know what I want

and where I belong,

to know when to let go

to learn how to grieve,

I need the strength to look inside myself

and be able to believe,

That one day,

I’ll be okay.