Maybe it's just me...

Maybe I'm being selfish...he still speaks to me at least...I can't say his name any more, without butterflies causing a tidal wave in my stomach...it was like this when I first discovered my crush on him...I couldn't look at him without butterflies in my stomach, and, as a friend described it, 'stars in my eyes'...

I want this to stop...

All this with him...don't go thinking I'm saying 'him' like it's his fault, because it's not his fault, and I'm more saying like...that tiny voice in the back of your mind that won't go away...so softly you have to strain to hear...I want it to go away...but I know it won't...no matter how much I hope for it. A man who lives on the street once said to my mum in Sydney one day "There is always hope."

I want some of that hope, because right now I have none...no hope of not loving him...no hope of him loving me back...I think he's right...we're better off as friends...

Maybe that guy my mum spoke to was right too...maybe there is always hope. We just need to find it.

I'll always have this little spark of depression...how ironic that I call depression a 'spark'. It will always be there...somewhere deep down...even when I'm at my happiest, things will come back to me, and pull me back down...I've come to terms with that...

Ah hah!! Speaking of coming to terms with things!!

I was in denial, thinking there is no way I could possibly love him...but I have since then come to terms with the fact that I do love him...I have also come to terms with the fact that he will never love me back...my love is totally one-sided...

It hit me in the face with an almighty 'whack!', but I expect when I love someone, and they love me back, it will feel nothing like this...I still believe I'm too young to call this love...but it hit me, hard. Like a swinging door in the nose. It hit me. This is nothing like the love you have for a cat, or a dog. Nothing like the love you have for your parents, or siblings. You can describe those things, because they happen to everyone. But this kind of love...is indescribable. And it hurts...my God does it hurt...

Oh well...pain is part of life. Everyone has to go through this at one point...

...it's funny...

When I try to think of...let's say, my now ex boyfriend...his face comes to mind...not my ex's face...I can't think of a friend, trying to remember her face, because it never comes...his face invades my mind...

I wonder, has he read this? Any of these chapters? I wonder...

I made two people cry...a fully grown man, and one of my best friends, a girl. They read this and cried...

The male, he said "It kills me to see you in this much pain..."

Perhaps because he loves me, and I do not love him...he has told me this...he loves me, and I simply can't return his feelings...

"It kills me" he said...kills him to see me in this much pain...I only now realise I'm blinded by this pain...I coudln't see the pain he must be going through, seeing me love another, when he loves me...I wonder if he feels the same way??

My friend...my dear friend...I made her cry too...she gave me no reason, she just said it makes her cry...

Why does something this personal to me make others cry...?

- He was my miracle My angel...

Rai xx

"I am the Moon!!" He ran with his arms outstretched, like a small bird taking flight.

"What about Love? Who will play the part of Love?" I asked.

"Love is blind..." He said in a wise voice.

"And the Moon is scarred...no one is perfect...not even the Moon." He looked at me blankly.

"Then perhaps the role of Love has no part in this life Rai." He said in a voice that left no room for argument.

- A small part of a dream I had...