“I was up above it. But now I’m down in It…” – Nine Inch Nails “Down In It.”

It was the weekend and I had so far managed to avoid Holly. I was at the library, once again. There were better places for me to be than these steps. It was well known by Holly that I’d be here but I was praying the rain would keep her away. My umbrella kept most of it off me, although some droplets seemed determined to invade my converse sneakers and make my socks all squishy and unpleasant.

Never mind, my mind was on more important matters, namely my own foolishness.

But GODS she was so beautiful! Her lips, slightly pink, just brushing mine, her warm breath… Those sharp blue eyes gazing into mine with such… depth of feeling.

I shivered involuntarily and snuggled into my green hooded jumper, drawing my knees up. The backside of my jeans was soaked but I really didn’t feel any cold. Actually, I couldn’t feel anything. My mind was so messy it had blocked my ability to think cogently.

When she’d come into that bathroom, it was obvious she hadn’t known I was there. Her expression when she saw me staring into that mirror was one of shock mixed with…

I don’t dare say delight. That would mean I was being hopeful.

But she wasn’t to know how vulnerable I was at that moment. School wasn’t kind to me. People didn’t like the girl who got the good grades. Especially if said girl lacked the social standings to matter much. I wasn’t tormented, but…

Things got to me.

Insinuated things got to me.

I closed my eyes and exhaled, trying to expel the poison they had injected into my ears:

“We saw you having coffee with that Holly bitch. Fucking lesbo. Not like she’d go for you anyway…”

“Ew, stop perving on me, you Dyke.”

“Just because you want to fuck me doesn’t mean you should talk to me…”

Resting my head against the hand that held my umbrella up, I knew that the only reason they taunted me was jealous, and that since they couldn’t go after my grade or looks, they went for my sexuality…

But hell, I wasn’t even sure how gay I was! I’ve had crushes on both sexes but nothing solid enough to swing one way or the other.

Apart from Holly.

The rain fell heavier, pattering against the canvas of my umbrella as my confusion grew and I felt tears prick at my eyes. When she had stood in front of me, trying to stop me from leaving, I could have melted. She cared. I didn’t know to what extent but I could no longer deny that she cared.

That meant the world to me. That singular moment, the concern in her eyes… it had triggered me. I just acted, just bought my face close, breathed her air and stared at her, feeling like I was standing on the edge of a cliff. I felt that skin’s heat, saw every little shade in her eyes changed as she stared down at me, inquisitively…

There was such charge in the air. I didn’t know what to think. She could have wanted me, she could have been scared…

But…

I felt my eyes begin to overflow.

She still tried to stop me leaving. She still cared after I almost…

After I almost…

Kissed her…

I let out a soft groan of horror. I had almost kissed her. I had… almost… pressed my lips to hers and given her me.

I was in way too deep. This was terrible! Now she knew that there was something there. Now she knew how I felt.

I couldn’t face her. Not again. She’d laugh at me, fob me off, use her more experienced wiles to escape from me. I can’t face losing her through her words.

Maybe I should just fade away? Run away from her at school. I might be a coward, but I can’t deal with this!

Droplets assaulted me heavily. It was ironic how much the weather reflected my mood, like I was a character in some tragic love-story somewhere, no matter how ludicrous that idea was. I felt like I was drowning in emotion.

I heard footsteps coming up the path just through the rain and lowered my head before opening the book I had resting in my lap. I couldn’t take it if someone stared at me for being a pathetic teenager, for crying in the rain over something so completely… benign as the girl I had a crush on.

The girl I wanted.

Girl I Love…

Shuddering, I buried my nose in my book. Too much. Too much surrounding me. Too many of the things I had worked so hard to distance myself from.

The footsteps stopped in front of me and I got a sense of terrible déjà vu.

Like hers had that fateful day…

“Hey.”

Oh hell no…

I hate Déjà Vu.

I buried my face closer into my book, pretending not to hear but it was to no avail. A hand with black painted fingernails placed a large take-away cup beside my foot. I bit the inside of my cheek. The hand, with two rings on the middle and index finger, a fingerless black glove and a dark grey blazer sleeve all soaked by the rain, twitched slightly, almost to come up to my face but retreated.

“I was going to ask if you were ok kid, but it’s obvious you’re not,” her voice was part playful, part immensely concerned. “I think the avoiding me was a signifier but what gave it away was the fact you’ve been here for two hours…”

A strange break afflicted her speech briefly, the playfulness fading fast.

“And the fact you’re crying.”

Shocked, I looked up at her. She gazed back, rain plastering her shorter hair to her head and face. She brushed the strands away and tucked them behind her ear with her free hand. The other held a matching cup from the coffee shop she had gotten my hot drink at.

Her dark grey blazer, red and black scarf and black slacks were soaked, her black thin hoodie in not much better shape. Her tartan chain-covered sneakers were covered in street mud. This inspection was all done in a matter of seconds as my eyes focussed on hers…

And I felt a jolt. Her expression was empty, sad. She looked so forlorn and lost and alone. Those eyes were filled with hurt and shame. A droplet fell from her eyebrow piercing, sliding down her skin to hang from her jaw-line. She looked so amazing, there but not all here.

She sighed, lips parting, the ring on the side of her lip falling to the side.

“Why were you avoiding me, Beth? Shame? Embarrassment for almost kissing a girl? Or is it because I’m supposedly a slut? Am I not good enough, too broken?”

She swallowed, sucking in some bitterness and took a sip of her coffee, obviously trying to calm herself. I bit my lip, feeling incredibly guilty.

“It’s not because you’re a girl, or because you’re dirty and broken or anything. Because you’re not bad, Holly…” I looked down, feeling tears again. “No matter what you do, I know that you’re everything but evil.”

“Then why?” her voice was hoarse, hollow. “Why run from me? I watch a lot, Beth. Comes from being an artist. I KNOW you’ve avoided me. I just bet you’d conveniently forget about Tuesday, that you’d hide from me if I went into your work. Why the fuck would you hide!”

“It’s not your issue,” I whispered in reply. “I’m not your issue.”

Silence fell, apart from the rain. I lifted up the mug she bought me and drank, sighing. Vanilla Latte, no sugar. She’d remembered. I felt lower than dirt at that point, so far inside my own insecurities; I was unable to see any light. I looked at her.

“How did you know I’ve been here for two hours?”

Holly glanced up at an apartment building right opposite the library with an extremely sour smile. I flinched inwardly.

“I live in there, Beth,” she replied softly. “My bedroom window is right by the street a few floors up. I was watching.”

She didn’t make her voyeurism sound creepy, just hurt and resentful. I wanted to grab her hand, hug her, do something to suck this bitterness out of her. I felt so pathetic.

She sighed and suddenly sat down next to me, though not so closed as to make me feel uncomfortable. Rain still plastered her hair almost flat to her head, her eyeliner running a little.

“I’m not trying to attack you, kid,” she said softly. “I’m sorry. I just feel… kind of used. You know, I know you wanted to kiss me. I just want to know why.”

I once again bit my lip and gazed at her from under my eyelashes. She was so incredible, soaked to the skin but looking more at home like that than any other time I’d seen her. She chewed on the backing of her labret stud as she waited for an answer.

“I don’t know,” I whispered slowly.

“You just go around trying to kiss every rebellious skank?” she retorted, dryly.

I flushed.

“No. Not in the slightest.”

“Then why?” her voice was soft, almost begging.

I felt another wave of want rise up. I wanted so badly, just like before, to crash my lips to hers and show her how I felt, how much love I had for her. How much it meant to me that she cared.

I shifted a little closer to her, bringing her under the cover of my umbrella. She looked at me in confusion. I sighed and whispered, giving her the one reason I could face.

“Because you care. And that means more to me than anything anyone else could offer me.”

I took her hand and, gently wrapped her fingers around the handle of the umbrella. She gazed at me, lips parted in surprise. Again, the urge to kiss her swamped me, but I forced it down. I picked up my mug of coffee and stepped out into the rain, shivering slightly as it trickled down my neck.

“Give me that umbrella back on Tuesday afternoon,” It took me a while to realise that the voice speaking was mine. “We still have tutoring.”

Holly stared, blue eyes burning into me, trying to interpret me. I felt as if her eyes were swallowing me, taking in everything from the gradually darkening hoodie to the red-rimmed brown eyes and now soaked skin. The air was electric, silent but for the occasional car driving past. I took one more look at her and bit my lip before turning to walk away, clutching my coffee.

It had taken all my strength not to tell her more…

It had taken everything in me not to tell her the truth…

Holly: “Got coffee… Now will she talk… Fuck, she’s upset. Fuck…. I should shut up…. Wait…. Tuesday?”

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A/N: Ok, so I'm still playing with the character interactions. I'm happy with some of this chapter, though not estatic. Mainly because I figure like everyone else I just want them to GET there. *laughs*. So what do you think? Let me know. Ciao.