Brian felt that the experience of being stranded in an Amazonian jungle, humidity and dysentery, is less than or equal to the experience of meeting your girlfriend's mother. The stress of it gets you choking and sweating and stomach wrenched. Or maybe he was just making this into something bigger than it was. Some women wanted their mother's go-ahead on a guy they were getting serious with but Lily had admitted she didn't speak to her mother that much and he hadn't known that Lily was even taking him seriously.

Brian was very sure he was in love with her but she didn't seem as desperate for him. Sometimes that made him feel bad but now that they were on the seven hour drive down to Lily's mom's house, why should he be worried? My mother is a very sweet God-fearing woman she'd said. Gripping the steering wheel he took a quick glance at Lily in the passenger seat to remind himself it would be worth the humiliation.

--

We stopped at a diner for lunch. We split a nice hearty bowl of vegetarian chili. How cute of him to be a vegetarian when he's around me which has been every possible moment; all of his free time spent with me. I love him. But that does not mean that he has control of me. For some reason guys anticipate that all of a sudden the girl just starts dripping off of them and follow their every demand. Not I.

And sometimes I wish I could just loosen up and melt all over him like other girls so he would know that I love him so much. I'll try. The first step is public displays of affection. I slid my hand across the table, mustard and coffee-stained with salt and pepper grains all over it, and took hold of Brian's hand. I'm sure my hand was damp with sweat. I gave him my best smile and he gave me his classic I'm-the-luckiest-man-alive look before he picked my hand up to kiss my knuckles. Ok, now all I have to do is tell him that I love him. Maybe later.

The time was 6:17 and we were just an hour away from mommy's house and minutes away from changing everything: the entrance of a young black boy about 15 or 16 years old wearing a gray sweatsuit, his eyes were on me and I held his gaze the entire five seconds it took him to walk to the cashier, turn away, breaking the spell, and pull out the gun.

--

It was nine o'clock by the time we got back on the road, driving to my childhood home. Took us a couple hours to leave the diner due to the police taking witness reports. The thief had stuffed the money in the pockets of his big gray hoodie and ran out into the hot southern night. He and I had held eye contact, our eyes wide, until he turned his head to the cashier and held out the gun.

He shouted his demands, his voice trembling but the gun steady. I couldn't remember the boy's face but Brian did and gave the cops the description. We eventually got to the car and Bri took the wheel. We drove in silence at first. I looked out the window at the motel and restaurant signs lit up with rows of light bulbs and neon lights. Lighthouse Inn, Riven Rock, Starlight Motel, Donn's Diner.

The oaks and elms were whipping by. The speed limit sign wooshed past reading 45. I glanced at the speedometer. We were going 60. Brian's mind was going. I could tell because he sucking on his top lip. He's so adorable when he does that. "You know Lily, I'm so sick of these lazy bastards! Hard earned money was made in that diner but these niggers think we still owe them something. No debt will be payed knowing they'll use the money for, what, jewelery and Jordans? No debt is even owed! They are just a bunch of deviants that need to go back to Africa."

My chin was on my knees, which I'd drawn up to my chest, and I could hardly breath. Hardly take in another sustaining breath because at the time I had no intention of living anymore. Why was this happening to me? I shouldn't complain but have listened to intuition. I should have kept running with the piece of conch shell in my foot. Should I have told him long ago? Hi, I'm Lily and just so you know, I'm black! That way I could have gotten the OK? It shouldn't matter. That's not supposed to matter. I was starting to regret being an atheist because now I had no one but myself to blame. I should probably tell him about that too.

"Baby?"

"Yeah sweetie?"

"Bri, I have something to tell you. I should have told you this a long time ago but I was trying to keep something to myself so that I could hold on to one last piece of me. You know how I am sometimes?"

"I know who you are and I love who you are," he cooed. Would he please just shut the fuck up!

"I'm an atheist Brian."

His stupid pearly white smile faded from his stupid handsome face. His face became rosy with either embarassment or anger. Fear maybe.

"Are you...sure about it?"

"Eight years sure."

"Well, your not worshipping the devil or anything. It's not so bad I guess." He looked deeply and meaningfully into my tired eyes. "I love you and nothing is going to change that." He took my hand in his and turned back to the road.

I could hear the infomercial voice screaming 'But wait! There's more!...'

--

Here we are in front of Lily's mother's house. The place that Lily grew up in. Her childhood happiness and sadness soaked into the grains of the wood of every wall. A little pink house with white trim and stone cherubs on the front lawn, their faces green with mildew. Brian had been so hesitant to come here but now he was feeling completely calm. Lily's admission had soothed his worries because he realized it was what he had been feeling from her. A distance. But now he knew about her belief, she had opened up all the way, and he was going to speak to Lily's mother for her daughter's hand in marriage.

The ring was in the glove compartment of his truck. Right in front of Lily the entire time.

She would never have guessed. She would be so shocked.

--

It did not even look like my house. But it had the same paint it did when I was born. Perhaps it just looked different because I had remembered it in summer light with the heat rising off of the roof and the neighborhood children running past. It was dark now. I think my mom must be worried sick. Brian was going to meet my mom. Soon he'd see. Standing there on the sidewalk in front of my house I watched Brian come around the side of his truck to stand next to me. "You ready?" he grinned.

"Are you?" I asked. The breeze was playing with the locks of his dark hair. His cheeks were still pink from getting burnt on our fourth visit to the beach. This was my last chance to truly have him with me. Grabbed his hand and pulled him to me. Looked into those stormy gray eyes. Kissed him like there was no today. Tears streaming down my face. Hands digging into his back pulling him as close as we could be. Held on to his hand as I rang the doorbell. Brought his hand to my mouth and kissed it for good luck.

Brian looked up as the door was opened by a petite lady with skin the color of rich caramel taffy. "Lily! I was so worried! And you must be Brian. I've heard wonderful things about you! Come in and sit down. You two look so tired!"

--

Lily's mother was just as she was described. A sweet woman who made them iced tea and a warm plate of food. Her mother winked at Brian from across the dining room table. Brian knew that meant she approved of him. Lily would get the go-ahead but now it didn't matter. How could he have been so foolish? Ignorant?

In one moment everything changed and he felt all those ugly parts of himself cave in. He could only pray that Lily would take his hand and help pull him out of the rubble. Upstairs in her old room, red, polka-dotted and flowered, Lily was reaching up to the top shelf of her closet and pulling down a dusty shoebox. Brian stood by the closed door watching her, trying to take the last of her in. Now he understood why she'd kissed him so fiercely outside by the car. Lily sat down on the edge of the bed. A red and white checkered quilt spread across it. She stared down at the box in her lap and then blew off the film of dust. The stormy cloud rose and then died out into the air. "Come sit beside me." Brian walked over to the bed and fell down onto his knees in front of Lily. She was already crying, her whole body shuddering. He slowly wiped the tears from her face. He almost expected her freckles to smear like mascara.

"I'm so sorry Lily. If nothing else, know that." Lily nodded still looking down at the shoebox. "Please look at me...please?" Brian was crying now. His eyes two miniature hurricanes raining down the slope of his cheeks.

Lily met his pleading eyes. "I love you Brian. I guess life just got to us, huh baby?"

My face was buried into his neck as he hugged me, planting kisses on my collar bone and crushing the memory box on my lap. When he finally let go to sit beside me on the bed, his hand tightly holding mine, I opened up the shoebox. Dad was looking up at me. I picked up the picture, a bit browned by time. I leaned over to Brian. "Look. That's me when I was ten. You know my hair still looks like that when I don't straighten it. And see my dad? Haha! We have the same teeth, same smile, see? And his eyes are gray just like y--"

"Like what?"

She looked up into Brian's eyes, deep as the ocean and just as blue. Like the waters on white sand. Her smile was bittersweet.

"I think...I think he's watching over me, um, from heaven...I guess. Yeah, from heaven."