Will Never, Won't Ever, a Life fanfic

Will Never, Won’t Ever

Life can be funny sometimes,
when you just sit down and think about it.
The way everything works;
how people live,
the things we do.
But have you ever really thought about it?

How when we leave the earth,
we'll have nothing but our memories?
But even that's gone.
No one will ever see what you've done,
no one will ever see what you've become.
Because everyone only sees you on the outside;,
they can't know what you see and think.

But maybe they can,
though they'll never know everything, will they?
They won't ever know how I felt on my first day of school.
They won't ever know how I felt when I graduated.
They won't ever know how I felt when I couldn't find a job.
They won't ever know how I felt when I saw him.
And they won't ever know how I felt when I finally got him.

And most likely,
will never know,
either.

You might think you know me;
might think you knew how I felt.
But you didn't.
And you don't.
And you never will.

I always thought I had life figured out.
But I hadn't.
And I haven't.
I thought I would have everything,
but I don't.

At night I'd read my diaries,
I'd read everything I wrote.
My feelings,
and my thoughts.
Then I would laugh,
and then cry
at all the things I mentioned
I would be.

My nights consisted of walks;
long walks,
to the bar close by.
I’d sit and watch others,
while I drank away,
with my heart and mind in a pitch black pit.

Everyone around me had something.
Friends, family, love.
I try to make a list of what I had,
and sadly,
the only thing I had was me.

You're in the world alone.
You think you have all these friends,
but really?
Will they still be there in ten years?
Twenty years?
Forty years?

If they will, then you're a lucky one.
You think you have everything,
but one day,
they could all disappear.
Your friends, your family.
The one you thought that you would spend your life with
forever.

So I stand here
as the wind blows my hair across my face
and I can’t see clearly or breathe properly,
as the leaves shake while the trees laugh.
The animals saunter by,
and stay and watch you.
I stare at the cement plague before me.
The names of all the ones I loved engraved,
deeply.
I stare,
and wished that day was all a dream.
All a nightmare.
A lifelong nightmare
that I'm forced to live by everyday.

A laugh escapes.
How funny,
it had been my 18th birthday.
Funny how they all decided to carpool.
Funny how I had arrived before them.
And funny how the collision happened,
and in just a few minutes I received a call.
So fast.

In an instant,
all the ones I loved were gone.
They were gone.
Just like that.
Painless, fearless,
(at least, I hoped)
but full of surprise.

What were their life stories?
What were they thinking
when they saw the car head at them?
"Oh no."
"Is that guy drunk?"
"Will we make it in time to surprise her?"
"Hope she will like my choice of wrapping paper..."
"Does she like chocolate cake?"

I can spend a lifetime guessing.
But I will never know.
And I will never see the faces,
of the ones I knew.
They're buried
deep down into the ground.

My urge to dig,
dig and dig and dig,
open up their confinement,
and settle in.
Spend my last moments with them,
before I see them again.
When I see them again.

They're somewhere far away,
and I will be there soon.
There's nothing left to live for.
What's the point?
My memories will die,
my achievements will disappear.

The only one that will truly miss me,
is perhaps the lonely bartender at the bar.
But then again,
she might have tons of friends,
who wait for her to come home,
to get ready for a fun night out.
So no one will miss me.
And that is exactly what I want.

My hands grip the railing.
My eyes close.
I take a deep breath,
and I climb over.

I look at the bed of water below me.
The waves rushing,
quickly, dangerously.
And I smile.
My last smile.

My hands let go,
of the ice cold railing.
It feels nice,
the rush.

I've always wanted to fly,
I remembered I had written it down in my diary:
"One thing I want to do before I die is to fly."
And I'm getting that.

I spread my arms out and wait.
Collision into the waters.
Is that how they felt?
Maybe not.

The cold waters surround me.
I let my body loose,
ignoring its protest to swim.
To reach the top,
for air,
which I desperately need.

But no,
that's not what I need.
So I open my mouth instead,
drink tons and tons of water.
My lungs soon get filled.
Pressure,
and more pressure.

Then it's black.
It's all over.
Is it,
really?
All over.

But it's not.
It's just a dream.
A nightmare.
Startling.

I roll around on my side,
and smile.
He looks down at me,
grinning and looking silly.
"I love you; what’d you dream about?"

I snuggle in closer,
feeling the warmth of him against my skin.
I remember my dream.
Every detail
and every thought.

"Something that I hope,
stays a dream.”

So I decided to try something new.

What I'm trying to say is, that life is unexpected. You could have things going amazing for you, and then all of a sudden, it could be gone. It's definitely not a good way to look at life either -- thinking that everything will disappear and all -- but it's definitely the truth. Which is why you should enjoy every single moment of your life. All the good things, the bad things. Everyone has their moments of good and bad, it's not only you. You're not out there alone.

Yes, everything will eventually disappear. All the things you've worked so hard to gain. But you'll be remembered. Your family, your friends, perhaps your own kids if you decide to have any. It's all worth the while, if you think so (which my whole point in these two paragraphs is to -think so-).

I wrote this in a very down moment of my life. I realized that everything I'm working hard for will be gone eventually. But you know what? I rethought it. And it made sense. I have years ahead of me, why not have some fun before I go? So enjoy what you have. There are others out there who have it worse than you.

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