AP NEWS, Los Angeles: Fans everywhere were stunned to learn of the untimely death of actor Reginald Porter. Porter, 32, most recently completed principal shooting for the upcoming sequel to the blockbuster “RadioActive Man” movie. He was cast to play the arch-nemesis “Leadenator” in the new film, due out this summer. Family and friends are shocked, according to publicists. A spokesman for the studio expressed regret, but indicated that they were going ahead with the release as scheduled. “Reggie would want this, we’re sure.” Authorities have not yet released the cause of death, but an unnamed source suggests an overdose of some kind may have been involved. The autopsy is scheduled for Tuesday. So far, foul play is not suspected.

Ah yes. Reggie. What a tragedy.

What? Of course I knew him well. Darling – I made him.

Everyone knows the story, don’t they?

Oh – that’s right. English press. Shall I fill you in on the blanks then? How much do you know?

Nevermind. You DO look fresh from journalism school. I’ll start at the beginning. It was 1990, I think, when I first laid eyes on young Master Porter. Richard Porter, if you will. He was the ne’er-do-well son of B-movie acting giant Jonathan Porter. Back then, that is.

Yes – that’s the one. So you DO know a little, I see. Why do I get the feeling that we’re just rehashing old times here?

Very well, I’ll go on then. Ritchie Porter was the next-door neighbour boy on that dreadful sitcom. You know the one. Though he was fourteen, he played a fourth-grader for several seasons. Little guy at the time. Then…well, then nothing. Not even his daddy’s string-pulling could get him a job once he hit full puberty.

Right, right. Except that one dreadful commercial the tabloid shows always play. Honey, get used to it. That nugget will be in heavy rotation for the next several weeks. At least he won’t be around to see himself in all his misshapen teenage glory. God rest his soul. Give me a minute.

Okay. Where were we?

Right. Well, I remembered him from the TV show. Now this was maybe 2000. Or was it 2001. Either way, I was working as a casting director. We needed a new face, a fresh face. I knew he didn’t do much after that show. More importantly, I didn’t think he had a record or anything. You know how child stars often are. So I made some calls and found he was doing live theater down in Venice. It was perfect. We had nothing for a budget – aren’t artsy films just a joy – so he wouldn’t be put off by the pay.

What film? Oh, darling – you can’t be serious. “Brick.” Remember?

Across the pond. Of course. But I thought you Brits simply loved that drivel.

A joke, darling, a joke.

Well, here it was a minor art-house sensation. Especially with the ladies. Young Ritchie was no longer the gangly, disproportionate kid you saw in that commercial. No, he was quite the hottie already. And because of this, I lost my head. I quit my career as casting director and became his agent. Let me tell you, honey – it was one of the smartest things I did. The jobs just poured in after that. Ritchie…I’m sorry, Reggie was quite the naïve little stage actor. Initially, he showed no savvy whatsoever when it came to selecting roles. That’s where I came in. I let him make that horrid comedy and-

Yes, that’s the one. “Frozen Peas.” Dreadful, wasn’t it? I think his career would have ended right there. Let’s just say we had a…a pow-wow. Reggie was much more receptive to my input after that box-office flop. Hell, “Brick” outdid the receipts – and that’s not figuring in foreign release revenue!

Right. You didn’t see it either. Well, you get the point. Anyhoo, that was about the time “Reginald” was born. We took our cue from Laurence.

Yes, as in Fishburne. Watch his early movies. He’s credited in them as “Larry.” We didn’t want anymore “Ritchie” or even “Richard.” Reginald was MY idea. But you see the outcome. Hollywood is all about what’s “now.” It’s all about “re-invention.” And that’s just what we did. I put him in another art-house favourite – one I chose. Before long, audiences knew who he was and forgot about the old “Ritchie.” At least until that “Behind the Scenes” episode. But by then he was bulletproof, baby.

Yes, well – obviously not drug-proof.

Oh, certainly you know I can’t comment on that. It’s an ongoing investigation.

What’s that?

Hmm. That does put a spin on things, doesn’t it? We’ll see.

No. No, he wasn’t considered for the first “RadioActive Man” movie. In fact, I refused to let him even audition for it.

Oh yes – we were called. But it wasn’t time. Not in my book. I wanted people to know him as a serious actor first. And with what happened to his dad…talk about type-cast!

No, of course not. He was a happy man. That’s what Reginald told me. But what could he have done if he wasn’t so pigeonholed in his day? What could he have done? Reggie deserved more than that. Much more.

Oh. Her. No, it’s true. We did not get along well. He met her on the set of “Mortar.”

Well, it was and it wasn’t a follow-up to “Brick.” Have you seen it? No, of course not. What was I thinking?

Oh, yes. I wanted to completely break the association with “Ritchie.” I made sure his name was changed on it for the DVD release. Do you know how much the VHS edition of “Brick” goes for on eBay? Three hundred dollars!

Right. Who knows how much now? Very little gets past you doesn’t it?

Yes, that was sarcasm, dear. Do you want this interview or not?

Anyhoo, to say that Lily was a royal pain in the ass is an understatement.

Was she threatened by me? Honey, in case you didn’t notice, I’m a man.

Okay. Maybe a tad. But there was nothing going on between Reggie and me. Not that I wouldn’t have welcomed it. Wait. Don’t print that last part. Yes, we all know I’m out of the closet…but don’t print it anyway. Think of his family. Please.

Back to the story. Lily almost derailed him.

No, it wasn’t the pregnancy. I don’t really know what it was.

Yes, I know what the insider rags say. Do you honestly think they have it right? Either way, they didn’t last. Honey, he was in the top three of People’s Ten Hottest list for the last four years. And that was before the swashbuckler movie.

Were women all over him? What do you think?

No, it wasn’t because of that. It was because of the work. There. That’s it. Now you have something the others don’t. Lily didn’t last because of the work. It was all about the work.

Yes, I created a monster. No. Not really. Give me a minute.

Okay.

When I found him, he was nothing but his work. Reggie was convinced that he quit getting acting jobs because he wasn’t trying hard enough.

Yes, I told him it was his looks – his puberty looks.

No, I don’t think he believed me.

No, he wasn’t vain.

I think it was his dad. Jonathan appeared in more than one hundred films before his death. Not one of them was a critical success. Not one. Ritchie…I mean Reggie always told me that his father believed that things would change if he just tried harder. If he just gave it a little more.

Do you have any idea what happened after “Frozen Peas” bombed? I mean, I thought we could remake him. I really did. But he was taking EVERY job coming his way. Every one!

Well, I told him that he’d end up like his father.

Yeah. It worked better than the reviews. He listened to me. Kind of.

What do I mean? Honey, after this interview – go back and WATCH his films, will you? I know you’re fresh off the boat...honestly, did it not even occur to you that looking at a movie or two might better prepare you for this?

Right. Newspapers. Plenty of time at the hotel later.

You’ll see it later. He put his all into each role. And then some. His work ethic persevered – but in quality over quantity. Instead of working himself to death by the numbers, he threw himself completely into the role.

No, I don’t think he took it hard.

Of course he loved his son. What makes you say that?

No. No. You have no idea. No.

I know what the pundits are saying. How dare you dishonour Reginald Porter so! His son will never want or need again. His son knows how much his father loved him. Reggie and Jonathan Junior were inseparable when he was between films. I cannot see how you would even think that.

Was he depressed? Are you serious?

No, he didn’t take that role as a hand-out. He took it because of his son.

I know what the experts are saying. “RadioActive Man” is a dying franchise. “RadioActive Man” is so five minutes ago. “RadioActive Man” is a dead holdover from the 90’s. Blah blah blah. Whatever. I tell you, the receipts for a sequel dip in the slightest and everyone screams “failure.” Everyone. It’s total bullshit.

How do I know? How do I know!? Because Reginald Porter is in it – that’s how I know. And let me tell your snobby little Miss Thang ass something else: Reggie wasn’t on drugs. Reggie wasn’t depressed.

Reggie killed himself because it was in his fucking contract! So there!

Wait.

I don’t know what came over me. I forgot myself. Don’t print that. I lied. Don’t print that. In fact, why don’t you let me have that tape recorder. Miss Jones. Miss Jones!

Hey! Dammit, grab her already! Hey! HEY!

Come back here!