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Author's Notes: I know that I said the "Sci-Fi Oneshot Series" will all be one-shots (obviously), but I decided to enter another competition in Gaia, hosted by Itazu, and I had to extend this story. I didn't have enough time to write a new story, and the love theme in this contest is already what I would have written had I decided to write a new story, so I decided to just extend it. The prompt for the contest is "To write a love story - any type of love" so here's the extension for this story. To a normal eye, it's a Gay/Straight story, but there's a deeper meaning for this story, which shall be explained at the end.
She could tell that he was fighting wars inside himself, wanting to say something but finding no words to express himself. In all honesty, she felt the same thing. Eventually, Michael released her arm and sat down on the grass, resting his back against the tree like she had earlier. He bowed his head, his longish hair hiding his face. Alice crouched down beside him and waited.
“…I’ve always known that I was different, since I was a kid. And I never told anyone about it. Not my friends, not my parents, not to strangers, to those I loved, hated, trusted… anyone. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself and I tried my hardest to change, even now. Alphonse was the first to notice, but I’m not surprised that he did. We’ve known each other for years. We’ve worked together, faced numerous hardships together, even when his son died in his arms. He always knew my true nature, but he never said anything about it because he thought I didn’t realise it myself. He thought I was naïve. When I did confess, a few years ago, he only smiled and said he was glad I finally trusted him with something like that. He’s been so supportive ever since… it made me wonder why he’s being so kind.
“By that time, I’ve already known you, of course. But I treated you like how I treated everyone else. I kept you in the dark. Sometimes, being gay makes me think that girls are unable to love me as how I’m unable to love them. It’s a fact I always forgot, and I think I did with you. I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry.”
Michael fell silent and immediately, Alice felt a pang of guilt and understanding overwhelming her. She looked away for a moment, taking in what he was saying, knowing that the meaning of his words were so much deeper than the superficial. It was always like that with Michael. She had to guess most of what he was saying under the carefree words he used, but she knew what he was trying to tell her.
He, like everyone else, couldn’t choose who he loved.
Of course, Alice knew that. It was just one of the simple matters where one would be aware of it, but they needed someone to point it out first before realising it. Some called it common sense. Alice couldn’t care less what it was called.
Slowly, she reached out and took his hand, grasping it firmly. He looked up into her eyes and she stared back momentarily before hugging him close, pressing her face into his shoulder so she wouldn’t cry.
…Actions speak louder than words.
“Look up, Alice. There are so many stars out there.” The man whispered. As Alice looked up, he continued with his monologue. “When you look at the sky in the night, you’re actually looking into the past. Those lights you see, which you call stars… they’re amazing. When you look up and you see that light, the star that gave out that light in the first place might not be there anymore. But the reason why you can ‘see’ it is because the light is still travelling to us. Tomorrow, or maybe next month, the light will disappear completely from that spot. But we won’t notice it.” He said softly, his eyes gentle.
Alice smiled. “…It is amazing, when you look at it that way. I never realised.”
“Some people call it common sense. You know it works like that, but someone has to tell you first before you realise it.” Michael answered. “Are you hurt?” He asked, his voice barely audible now.
Alice hesitated for a moment, pressing her lips together as she considered his question. She was, at that moment, both the happiest and disappointed girl in the world. “No… I’m not hurt.” Alice finally answered.
“Tell me how you’re feeling, please.” His voice was pleading. “I don’t know what you think. I need to know.”
Looking at him straight in the eye, Alice shook her head. “I don’t know how I’m feeling. I want to shout at you for not loving me back, because how could you do this to me? But at the same time, I know I’m the woman of your life, which is as close as true love as I’ll ever get from you. You couldn’t choose who you wanted to love, and you felt like an outsider because you’re gay. The same principles apply to me, but only because I’m artificially made and I don’t know whether my feelings are human or inhuman. So to say it easily… I just don’t know how I should feel.
“I guess it’s because I understand you.” Alice continued, turning her eyes away shyly. “When you understand someone, it becomes frustrating because you can’t argue back. And you can’t exactly decipher what you really are feeling. Of course I’m disappointed. Of course I’m angry. But because I understand, I can’t act on that, no matter how much I want to. That’s just… the way it is.” She ended with a deep sigh.
Opening and closing his mouth a few times, Michael eventually settled for a weak laugh and pulled her closer to his chest, the hand circling her shoulders already ice cold. Not that he cared to warm it up. Her comfort was more important to him now compared to his own. “I think I know exactly what you mean, Alice. Understanding someone… can be frustrating. But it’s thanks to that that we can make peace.” He pointed out.
“I guess so.” Alice closed her eyes again, truly exhausted. Was this because of such an emotional night? Or was this to do with her dying at this very minute?
In all truth… Alice was far from caring.
“Sleep well.”
Alice had vowed that she would try her best to be a friend to Michael. It wouldn’t be so hard, considering that in a way, Michael had already returned her feelings; but only slightly different. She still felt disappointed, but she knew that she shouldn’t linger in the past. Not when she had such a short future to look forward to.
But even so… sometimes, the truth hurt more than Alice could control.
Her frame shaking, Alice sat up and pulled her knees to her chin, rocking backwards and forwards as she closed her eyes. She stiffened her jaw to prevent her teeth chattering together and she began to breathe deeply, trying her hardest not to let the tears out.
Sometimes… one couldn’t always control everything. One couldn’t always take responsibility which weren’t theirs.
The simple black and white truth was that Alice loved Michael. But Michael was unable to love her back; therefore, he doesn’t love her back. No matter how much Alice wanted to pride herself in saying that she was still the woman of his life; no matter how much she believed that he treated her like a normal human being; no matter how deep her understanding was of his situation… he couldn’t love her. He didn’t. And that hurt her more than words could say.
Technically, they were both different. Technically, their differences would make it impossible for one to love the other in any way. But love was a natural feeling, and one has no control over it. The simple phrase of “You can’t choose who you love” was common sense, but one which someone would rarely realise until they were told by someone else. And that love was a natural feeling.
As she continued to think, Alice could feel the tears escaping her eyes. She loved Michael more than just a friend. More than a lover. He was the man of her life. To hear that she could not be loved because he was different really hurt. It made her think on why he couldn’t change for her. Didn’t he love her that much? Wasn’t he willing to do so? Even though Alice knew that he couldn’t change it, she still wanted him to. She wanted him to with all her heart.
Alice wanted to say that ‘Love’ was to blame for all this. But another phrase, “Love is Love”, would make it impossible for her to argue that for she understood the meaning of the statement. The more she thought, the more sense it made, but the more frustrated she got. When one began to understand matters, their ability to argue decreases frantically. Yet, understanding was a form of love. Without understanding, there would be no peace.
“…Oh, Michael…”
That was the one and only thing Alice could manage to say, even during her deathbed a few months later. She could not say she loved him, for it would be unfair for him. She could not say she hated him, for she understood him. Some things were meant to be understood, but even so, one thing was clear, and that would be that some things are best said to be meant. Implying does not always do justice. Actions cannot always be relied on.
Language was man’s most powerful weapon.
But one couldn't exactly understand these things until they encounter it, face to face. And I, personally, being someone from a strict religion that doesn't support gay love, wrote this story to make everyone else think about it, deeply - and that if you are homophobic, think about Alice and Michael's positions.
This story, obviously, is a gay/straight love story, where Michael is gay, and Alice is straight. But Alice is also an artificially-made human, which makes her as different to society as Michael. So their situations metaphor each other. And yet, which seems more normal? The fact that Michael, a gay man, loved Alphonse? Or Alice, an artificially-made human, falling in love with Michael? Such questions are hard to answer, and this story more or less just tries to show that love is a natural feeling, and it cannot be controlled. Even for those who are straight, you can't choose who you love. Why is it different to gays? Why is it different to anyone, or anything? Of course, as a writer, I'm not trying to make you follow what I believe. I'm merely giving a scenario where you can think about it yourself, and if not... I hope you enjoyed the story anyway. - Rino-chan.
