Enter Race Official (Messenger)

Race Official: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen! We are gathered here to recognize the Boys Conference champ and all the recipients of All-Conference and All-Conference honorable mention honors. Now, I’ve been a race official for 35 years, and I have never had to deliver a bit of saddening news like I have to today. The official results are the same as the ones posted by the pavilion, with one minor correction. The state high school league has set a higher standard for the testing of illegal substances. Unfortunately, one of the racers has tested positive for steroids. And that competitor was our unofficial winner, Dave from the Titans. Enter Cliff

Cliff: What? This must be a dream, somebody pinch me. Is it possible that I may still gain the favor of Lisa?

Race Official: Since our first-place runner has been disqualified, all runners’ official rank has moved up by one, and our official individual boys champion, with a winning time of 14:59, is Cliff from the Titans. Exit Race Official

Cliff: Oh, this is not a saddening bit of news to me at all. If my loss diminished my part in the team championship a thousand times, my victory magnifies it by a million, for now I will be by Lisa’s side for all of eternity! Enter Lisa

Lisa: Hey, Cliff.

Cliff: Lisa, the love of my life. I am thrilled by my extraordinary turn of fate, but I also have concern for you, who has been thrown between admirers so quickly.

Lisa: Nah, Dave was a real jerk-off for the short time I knew him.

Cliff: Your insults sooth my ears as I hear that I am the one you favor most! I ask you one more time if I may have the privilege of being betrothed to you. Have you had a sudden change of heart towards an Emo Runner such as I?

Lisa: No, I have made up my mind.

Cliff: So let it be done. Now that we are truly engaged I vow that I will never leave your side. I will jog next to you stride for stride on all your warmup runs, and I will cheer from the sideline at every race as you approach the finish, and I will carry you if you should suffer any injury, and I will massage you muscles if they become stiff and sore, and I will let you chase me around for hours if there is no one who will play sharks and whales, and I will share my Blizzard with you if we run to DQ and you have forgotten your money in your locker, and if you should slip and fall face-first in the mud on a rainy day, I will lick away the dirt that mars your beautiful face, but I will make sure your spikes are clean and your shoelaces are right so that shall never happen and you never sully your pure figure for one moment, and I will be as steadfast in practice as you, running the longest possible route, and I will offer you all the Teddy Grahams in my possession, and I will save you a seat on every bus ride to a meet, so you never feel alone, even with as many friends as you have, and I will help you do your hair just right on race day so you may have the utmost aerodynamic advantage against your opponents, and as you escape to lay in a lush, green, open field and look at the stars because you don’t want to think about how much homework you have and you only want to think about the incredible race you just ran, I will lay next to you and envision all the heavens as only two constellations: one in the form of your heavenly and eloquent figure, and the other detailing your perfect face, and I will sprint where you sprint, jog where you jog, walk where you walk, and crawl where you crawl, and when you extend your hand for aid in climbing a steep hill, I will offer mine, and after you jump into the lake after a long and strenuous run in practice, I will swim after you and make sure you never cramp and slip beneath the surface, for I would be a void and hollow shell without a purpose if I ever lost you, and I will help you cut out the blue paper Titan Ts that say “Crush Conference” and “Smash Sections” on them, and then I will help you tape them to all the girl runners’ lockers, and I will make sure you have enough reflective tape when you go running at night so no vehicles hit you, and the day before each race I will make a big plate of spaghetti with meat sauce that we can both slurp out of so we get enough carbs, proteins, and amino acids. I love you Lisa. I will do anything you tell me to as long as I can stare into those gleaming eyes that are deep and pure pools that cleanse my soul.

Lisa: Huh? Oh, yeah, you lost me right around the part about going to DQ, but it’s the thought that counts. I love you too, Cliff. Enter Race Official

Race Official: Ladies, approach the starting line! The girls’ race will begin in five minutes. Exit Race Official

Cliff: Must you part so soon, Lisa? The sound of your voice alone in enough to make my heartbeat speed out of control.

Lisa: I’ll run fast just for you, Cliff. The sooner I finish my race, the sooner I may return to you. Take my warmup jacket and windpants as a momento of me as I run the course.

Cliff: The sight of your splendid body in your race uniform coupled with your pheromones emitting from your warmup outfit are enough to knock me to this leaf-covered ground forever.

Lisa: I have to go and run my race. See you at the finish line, Cliff. It will not be too long. Exeunt Cliff and Lisa

Chorus

I. 1.

The emo boy and the beautiful nymph/Have joined together at last.

They soon will join eternally/After not much time has passed.

What Cliff meant to say in his speech/His über-long rambling rave

Was he wanted Lisa to be his wife/And he would be her slave.

I. 2.

Union will soon be made/For Cliff and Lisa are engaged.

They’ll be hand in hand singing/Go Go Emo Runners!

The emo awaits at the finish line/While his love strives for a record time

Now is when Lisa will shine/Go Go Emo Runners!

You supersonic Emo Runners.

II. 1.

The Boy Titans won Conference/The girls cannot be shown up

So they will try their best to win it all.

There is no “I” in their team/A band of sisters, it seems

Together they run, divided they fall.

II. 2.

Say your prayers, everyone/Look who’s at our run

The Grim Reaper himself.

This story is a tragedy/For a reason, but please

Don’t touch Cliff’s sacred elf.

Lisa’s doom approaches/What is our hero’s fate?

Kill, he might, it’s the/Reaper’s right.

Death in his hand/Off to never never land. Oh!

Enter Cliff and Lisa

Cliff: I see my beauty rounding the corner in first place. But I look at the clock and her time seems extremely fast.

Lisa: Cliff…Cliff…All I can think about is Cliff…Unngh!

Cliff: I ask the gods, how may it be? Lisa ran her 4K in 14:59, her personal best by a minute and a half, and equal to my time. But she has collapsed after her finish! Oh, Lisa, I a coming. Enter Race Official

Race Official: Everybody back! Give her some air!

Cliff: Let me through. That girl is my fiancée!

Lisa: Cliff, is that you? I came back as fast as I could, Cliff, like I said I would.

Cliff: I see that, Lisa, but why did you exert yourself so hard? It has been a minute and the next closest girl has just rounded the corner. Your teammates would have understood.

Lisa: I know, but Cliff, I could not stand to be away from you for another moment.

Race Official: Get her some water! She’s about to pass out!

Cliff: Hold on Lisa. Are you hurt?

Lisa: My arms, legs, and innards sting with the most shredding sensation of pain, but I am happy to know what it is like…to be an Emo Runner. Enter Grim Reaper Exit Lisa

Grim Reaper: I am drawing nearer. On a black cloud I ride. I have come to take Lisa’s soul and announce that she is dead because this is a Greek tragedy and all death and violence takes place off stage.

Cliff: Dead? Is that the word the Reaper used to describe Lisa? Dead? NO!! Frickin’ A! No!! Screw you, Reaper. You can’t take Lisa’s soul without taking mine. To the river I run, so it may take my life. Enter James

James: Cliff, look out for that bus! Exit Cliff

Grim Reaper: As messenger, I must announce that the bus James spoke of hit and killed Cliff because this is a Greek tragedy, and all death and violence takes place off stage. Now I will take his soul too. I love killing two birds with one stone. Exit Grim Reaper Enter Lars, Kirk, and Tartan Coach

James: No, wise mentor. We are lost withou your guidance!

Lars: Nooooo.

Kirk: Man, that sucks that we lost two runners in one day.

Titans Coach: Yeah, just as well, they were seniors, they weren’t gonna help us defend our titles next year. Ah ha ha ha! Exit James, Lars, Kirk, and Titans Coach

Chorus

I. 1.

Cliff and Lisa died/All the Emo Runners cried.

Both of them are gone/But they’re together, wherever they are.

They both lived fast, quite literally/They both died young

And they both left beautiful corpses.

I. 2.

The girls team won Conference/Just like the boys

But they didn’t go to state.

At sections, they just did not rate/Without their beloved seniors

Leading the way to victory.

Oh, so sad. Nobody is glad. The Titans Coach is mad.

No state championship to be had.

II. 1.

James, Lars, and Kirk/Kept the Emo Runner way.

But to play it safe/When they saw a girl

They stayed far enough away.

But the Emo Runner way spread/As fate would have it, in a whirl

Towards the boys came three Emo Runner girls.

The sophomores’ endings were happy/So take heart in the news

Later they married/And had a few kids

Who followed in their shoes (Cross Country spikes, of course).

II. 2.

Go Go Emo Runners!

The tradition will live on forever.

Go Go Emo Runners!

Way of Emo Runners is not severed.

Go Go Emo Runners!

You supersonic Emo Runners!

III. 1.

Everywhere we go!/Everywhere we go!

People wanna know!/People wanna know!

Who we are!/Who we are!

So we tell them!/So we tell them!

We are the Titans!/We are the Titans!

Mighty Mighty Titans!/Mighty Mighty Titans!

Ooh! Ah! Oh Yeah!

Ooh! Ah! Oh Yeah!

Ooh! Ah! Oh Yeah!

Ooh! Ahooah!

III. 2.

Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh,

Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh Duh Duh

Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh

Duh. Duh.