What You Never Said

Dearest Gavin,

First, I want to apologize that I could not tell you this in person. I’ve always been better at writing things down anyway. It’s not that I don’t love you. I do. I want to you to know that I meant every word I said. Not a single letter scribbled on any piece of paper was a lie.

Now that I got that out of the way, I will tell you why I’m writing this note. Although you being the bright, blooming young man you are, you probably already know. I’m breaking up with you. It’s both a combination of me and you. I don’t want you to cry when you read this. Your tears are something I’ve always hated the most.

As trite as it sounds: I always want to remain friends with you. You are my best friend and my support. Even before this fluke of nature, we have been best friends. And I had adored you. I always found excuses to talk to you no matter what. You made me smile and warmed the heart that was hardened by disappointment.

It wasn’t months before I found out the real reason you were hanging out with me so much: Ariel. It was bound to happen. You were in one of her classes. She has golden hair, and a bright smile. She is also so girly and charming. No wonder all of the boys I like end up falling for her. She just had to be my best friend too. That’s why you wanted to be close to me, wasn’t it? You don’t have to lie any more, I know already.

You had fallen in love with my best friend; you told me everyday after we walked to my house and we sat in my yard and watched the clouds. Why did we ever stop watching clouds? I enjoyed it so much. I missed laughing about a cloud that resembled Mr. Lang’s nose or a cloud that would make a cool hairstyle. I miss your laugh, most of all. Why did it leave? Was it because I could not be your Ariel?

Feelings built up until March 15th. I had been in love with you; you, with Ariel. You told her on that day in March. She only stared and both of our hearts sank. Following suit, a boy I had known for a while confessed his feelings for me. Ah! The tangled love triangles of high school! Don’t you just thrive on it all?

I had no feelings for this other boy. I found it only fair to tell him I had my eye on somebody else. Lonely from Ariel turning you down, you jumped on this news. Who is it? You asked me constantly. Day in day out, all you ever seemed to do was ask me who I had feelings for. I began to grow bored of this game and I eventually told you. You began to change. I can’t say it was a bad thing. But you did. You began to hug me more and invite me to go places with just you. You never told me how you felt. You still have yet to do that one.

One day during April, you and I were in the park across the street from my house. You were leaning against a tree, the sun beating down through the leaves. The green light seemed to frame your face and make your brown hair shine. Your eyes still had that beautiful hazel sparkle that I had grown accustomed to. I was leaning on the tree as well, a purple notebook in my lap and a pen in hand. You would tell me stories as I wrote my poetry. You wrapped your arm around me and kissed my forehead. You told me to give you a chance. I laughed and kissed your nose. My heart was pounding. My dreams were coming true, right? That means I could be happy, right?

Those were the sunniest days of my life. They are the days I relive when I can’t go to sleep at night. Did you ever dream about me? Did my smile help you ease your mind in your worse times?

Well, getting your dreams doesn’t always turn out the way you want. In fact, it seldom ever does. You began to take me less places. In fact, I was usually the one who had to plan dates and propose places to go. You never argued with me anymore unless it involved you justifying all of the skipping school you did. I am a strong, independent person and I need somebody strong and independent by my side. But you stopped being that strong-minded man I once knew. You became a weak little boy who always needed my approval. Is this alright Rachel? I don’t care what you make when I come over; your cooking is always good?

Well, I shouldn’t complain so much. I changed too. I became much easier to irritate. Looking back on my behavior, I suppose I became more demanding of you as well. I didn’t want to be. I don’t know what caused me to turn into a total bitch. I guess it was because I was unsure of how you felt for me. Oh, if you only told me…

Alas, now I believe I’m just rambling. I believe I’m only writing on and on like this so I don’t have to stop. I don’t want to let go. But something within me tells me I have to. It just isn’t right anymore.

Truth is, I’ve always felt like the rebound-girl. I don’t think anyone could blame me. I started dating you right after my best friend turned you down. Well, I tried to block it out of my mind for a while. But it always tried to catch up with me. I always second-guessed our feelings for each other. I’m really just tired of playing into this motive and I just want to stop.

One day, I hope that you will find a girl who loves you no matter what. She will be beautiful and you will be happy forever. You will fall in love so deeply that neither of you will ever want to let go, as I am now. But let’s face it; I was never right for you. You and I were never meant to be more than just friends. And you never did say that you loved me.

With emotion,

Rachel