What if You Were Happy?

Chapter 22

At the apartment the next day, I was trying to sleep but wasn’t successful; Vika was crying in her crib and I knew I needed to get up and feed her. At three months, she was growing daily and was able to hold her head up pretty well.

Getting out of the bed, I sighed and picked her up, carrying her into the kitchen to make a bottle. Both of my brothers and Danny were sitting around the counter talking in hushed voices, looking up when they heard me.

“Um, good morning,” I said, suspicious; it wasn’t like these three to conspire without me. “What’s up?”

“Well,” Kevin replied, turning in his chair to face me. “We wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Ok, shoot,” I said, though I was wary of what they could want to say to me this early in the morning.

“We think,” Jordan started, “that you should take a break. Someone’s going to have to stay home and keep an eye on Matt, at least for a little while. So we figured it’d be a good chance for you to rest a little; you’re always doing something for someone else, Kaylie.”

I didn’t say anything as I finished fixing the bottle and sat down with Vika. They watched me for a few minutes until I finally said, “What you really mean is that you’re scared of Matt and what could happen and you don’t want to have to be here to deal with it. Well, thanks, guys, but I think I’ll continue working.”

“Kaylie,” Kevin said gently, “that’s not what we meant at all.”

“Kevin,” I shot back, “it doesn’t matter. We have to trust Matt, encourage him, and having a twenty-four hour babysitter isn’t going to help. Now, I’ll check on him between school and work and whenever else I can, but ya’ll can fill in the rest.”

“But what if something happens and we’re not here?” Danny asked.

“Then it happens,” I said shortly. “And we deal with it. Matt’s not going to be offing himself anytime soon, anyways, so ya’ll can calm down. He’s getting help right now and then we’ll be here to help him when he’s back.”

The guys shrugged but didn’t say anything. I considered the matter finished and stood up, carrying Vika back to our room so I could get ready for work later this afternoon.

When she was done eating and was playing quietly in her playpen, I walked back into the kitchen for my own breakfast, only to be struck with realization. Hurrying to Kevin’s room, I knocked on the door before barging in. “Where’s the note?” I demanded.

“Kaylie, what’re you—”

“Where is it?” I almost yelled, interrupting him. “Show it to me!”

Kevin tried again. “Kaylie, we threw it away. We didn’t want him to—”

“Cut the bullshit!” I yelled, frustrated. “Where is it?”

Danny, who’d been sitting at the desk across the room, stood up and slowly walked towards me. “Here ya go, Kaylie.”

I snatched the paper from his hand and stormed out of the room. I yelled at them to watch Vika as I hurried out of the apartment and onto the street for some quiet. The sidewalks were deserted and I sank onto the ground, unfolding the paper quickly.

I’m sorry. You have to know why I did it, though. Kaylie—surely you know; you always know. Nothing was going right, no one needed me, there was no reason to be here. I’m sorry. Please…forgive me.

--Matthew

“What the hell!” I yelled, flipping the paper over and over to see if there was anything else written there, anything that could better explain. But there wasn’t. Just those few short sentences to tell me why one of my best friends wanted to die.

“Why! Why even write a fucking note!” I didn’t care if someone heard me, didn’t care about anything, except getting an explanation. Matt wasn’t going to get out of it this easily.

“I know it’s not what you wanted.” I looked up, surprised, to see Danny standing there.

“No, it’s not,” I said flatly. Danny sat down next to me and slid an arm around my shoulders.

“He wasn’t himself, Kay; I mean, he tried to kill himself! Why…” he trailed off and I realized suddenly that no one had the answer. Not Matt, not me, not Danny, no one. No one could explain what would drive a person to such extreme measures besides the overwhelming emotions inside themselves.

“I know,” I sighed, “I just wish we could have helped him.”

“Hun, we can. Just wait—he’ll be back in another few days and you’ll be able to talk to him, ok?” I nodded and stood up.

“I have to get ready for work.” Danny followed me up to the apartment and made sure my brothers didn’t talk to me till I wanted them to. I walked into my room and closed the door, flipping the lock and going over to Vika.

“Hey, baby girl,” I cooed. “You’re uncle sure did scare us, didn’t he?” She looked up at me, her big brown eyes trusting as ever. “I’d never scare you like that, you know.” But wouldn’t I? I’d thought about it before—right after the rape. I figured I was worthless, a disgusting person; who would want me? But then I’d realized it wasn’t my fault, it was that man’s—for ruining my life, my parent’s lives, my daughter’s.

But Matt had felt the same way. Only, he hadn’t been able to understand that whatever happened wasn’t his fault. Could I have helped him? I didn’t even know anything was bothering him that much. Maybe something had happened recently?

Sighing, I leaned down and kissed Vika’s forehead before heading out of my room and to Matt’s. I knew I probably shouldn’t, but surely there was something here that would help me understand better.

I glanced around but couldn’t see anything but the photographs covering the walls. Deciding it’d be my best bet, I walked in a circle, studying each of them. There were several of the guys—laughing, fighting, being weird. There were more of Vika, some I hadn’t even been there for. But there weren’t that many of me, oddly. Even less then there was of the guys. Did he not think my pictures were good? Or did he just not like them on his walls?

I shrugged and moved to the desk. There was nothing on the top, but looking through the drawers I found a letter from the college. Scanning over it quickly, I discovered that he’d been failing three of his classes and that’d he’d lost his scholarships. “When did this happen?” I whispered to myself, shocked. Matt was always so smart and responsible; he was always studying or working, trying to do better.

I went on to find test and papers he’d taken with failing marks, notes about how he wasn’t trying hard enough, he should find a tutor, he should drop the class. And then I found the letter from his mom telling him about the divorce, how his dad would be moving, how he’d have to visit them separately from now on. And finally, in the bottom of the last drawer, I found all of the pictures of me.

Surprised, I pulled them out and shifted through them, recognizing the ones he’d had on his wall the last time I’d been in here, or the time before that. But there were many more I’d never seen before and I wondered why he’d never put them up or shown them to me.

Deciding I was done, I put everything back the way I found it and left his room. I had to be at work in an hour, so I finished getting ready and rode over with Danny. I had a six hour shift, but I figured working hard would get my mind off things.

A few hours later, though, I was exhausted; the stress from the past few days coupled with the little sleep I’d been getting had finally gotten to me and I was ready to drop. Delia was standing at the podium waiting for customers, but when she saw me slouching in the corner, she came over.

“Oh, honey,” she said sympathetically. “I heard about your friend. How is he?”

“He’s fine,” I said, trying to sound positive. “He’ll be home the day after tomorrow.”

“Why don’t you take a break?” She asked, gesturing to a chair in the back. “I can cover for now. Besides, it’s not like we have a ton of customers.” I glanced over the deserted diner and agreed, stepping outside first for some fresh air.

As I sat on the bench out front, someone sat next to me and said, “I’ve been trying to reach you.”

Startled, I looked up sharply and find myself facing Donavon. “Oh, hey!” I said, smiling.

“Hey, yourself,” he grinned. “I heard about your friend.”

“Yeah,” I sighed, looking away from him. “Matt.”

“How is he?” I was surprised, and touched, by the concern in his voice. Despite the fact that he didn’t know Matt, he was worried, simply because he was my friend.

“He’s doing ok I guess. He comes home in a few days.” Donavon nodded and looked out over the street.

“How have you been?”

I laughed mirthlessly. “Oh, I’ve been great. Just great.”

He took my hand and leaned forward so he could meet my eyes. “I’m sorry, Kaylie.”

“I know,” I said tonelessly.

“If there’s anything I can do, just let me know. And if you ever need a break, let me know. I can always help out with Vika and everyone.”

I grinned. “Thank you, Donavon, that’s extremely sweet of you.”

“No problem.” I leaned against him and sat quietly, enjoying the silence and rest. After about ten minutes, though, I knew I needed to get back inside to work. Sighing, I stood up and waited for Donavon to walk back into the diner. Delia smiled at me from across the tables and I grinned back, feeling much better now.

“I have to get back to work,” I told him.

“I know; have fun.”

I laughed. “Thanks.” I waited a beat and, sure enough, he leaned forward to kiss me quickly before leaving.

“He’s cute,” Delia stage whispered.

“Yep, he is,” I said with a smile, greeting the next customer.

The day Matt came home, I rode with Kevin to pick him up at the hospital. We had this all planned already. We’d go and pick him up while Jordan and Danny staid at the apartment. Then, when we got back, we’d all give him a little space while keeping an eye on him and before open to talk to.

But it didn’t go as planned—like most of things. Matt was agitated when we picked him up and didn’t enjoy having to be driven around. At the apartment he didn’t want to see us but hole up in his room with the TV. At dinner, when I went to check on him and bring him a plate, he yelled at me to leave him alone.

“Matt,” I tried again, “you need to eat. Here, I’ll leave it outside your door, ok?”

“Just go away!” I sighed and turned from his door, heading back to the kitchen. Jordan, who was filling his own plate, squeezed my shoulder and said comfortingly, “He’ll get better; he’s just pissed at us for now because he had to stay at the hospital for so long.”

“I know. I just thought that maybe he’d be better, you know? Maybe he’d be back to his old self.”

“He will be; just give it time.” I nodded, trying to stay optimistic, but not able to help the feeling that things would never be right with him again. And that the first time he tried to kill himself wouldn’t be the last.

On Monday, I had to go back to school and work and the old routine took over. Except for the extra checkup on Matt, we were relatively our selves and things went smoothly. I talked to Donavon more and more and came to really like him. Despite the fact that every night I stood outside Matt’s door for thirty minutes, begging him to open it and just look at me, I was ok.

When Craig called on Wednesday to see how we were, I decided it’d be better to not tell him. Instead, I said we hadn’t been doing much, how Vika had gotten so big, how Jordan was going to propose to his girlfriend soon, how Donavon had asked me out again and I couldn’t wait.

Then he told me that his parents were coming up for a visit and that I should come with them.

“How long would the visit be for?” I asked, unsure.

“A week at the most; they can’t stay long.”

I thought over all I had to do, what with work and school and Vika and Matt. Then I sighed and said, “I can’t. I’m sorry, Craig; I really want to come, but I’m swamped here with stuff. Maybe next time?”

“Oh. Yeah. Sure. Next time.” I could hear the disappointment in his voice, the way he was no longer smiling, but frowning and probably about to go—he always did that. “Anyways, I’ve got to go, but I’ll talk to you soon, Kaylie.”

“Yeah, ok, bye, Craig.” I hung up feeling worse than before, which is odd because usually Craig’s calls make me feel so much better. Letting out a sigh, I stood up and headed to Matt’s room. Bypassing knocking, I twisted the doorknob and was surprised to find it unlocked. Had it been unlocked this whole time? Or had he run to the bathroom without us noticing?

Shrugging, I pushed the door open and stepped inside. I didn’t see him at first, but then I noticed the bundle under the covers on the bed. The TV was on, playing some sitcom or another, and there were plates of barely eaten food covering the floor. I didn’t see any clothes anywhere, so I assumed he hadn’t changed since he’d gotten back.

Stepping around everything, I sunk onto the bed next to him and studied his sleeping face. Gently, I ran my fingers over his face and through his hair. “Oh, babe,” I whispered. Softly as I could, I lifted the covers and pulled them higher up on him, making sure was warm enough. Then I turned off the TV and gathered up all the plates, shutting the door quietly behind me.

When I turned around I nearly jumped out of my skin. Kevin was standing there watching me, an odd expression on his face. “What?” I snapped.

“Nothing,” He said, hands raised. “Just wondering.”

“Uh-huh,” I said wearily, walking past him into the kitchen. I started to wash the plates while Kevin watched. “Did you need something?” I finally demanded, tired of him standing there.

“No,” he said, heading out of the kitchen, “Nothing at all.”

A/N: I am so, so sorry for the wait! I hope I answered everyone’s questions about Matt, though, and there is more to come, so just wait! HUGE thanks to everyone who reviewed! Ya’ll are awesome :)