-Cream and Sugar-

You never quite understood your friend’s affinity for coffee.

It was such a horrible drink –honestly it stains your teeth, causes you to piss a lot and not to mention it causes coffee breath –and yet every morning you would see her, sitting at the dining room table, coffee mug held tightly in one hand as a small smile plays at the edge of her lips.

Why do you drink that stuff? You would constantly ask; wincing as she would finish cup after cup of that disgusting brew.

She would just smile, a content look on her face as she shrugged her shoulders (in a very graceful manner mind you). Just because, would be her simple answer.

It wasn’t a very good answer really –Just because huh? – but you would never complain, never say anything more, but just watch her from over the rim of your own cup, filledwith tea of course –because tea tastes good at least.

Setting your cup on the table, you would watch her with a fond look, watch how she would close her eyes in content with every sip of her drink, savouring the taste and then exhaling softly with that soft smile still on her lips.

You would always start the morning like this; you would be drinking your tea, while she would be drinking her coffee across from you with a faraway look in her eyes. Sometimes you would pass the time talking about inane things (your favourite being a certain someone’s obsession over a certain caffeinated substance) but most of the time you would sit in complete silence, each of you lost in your own quiet musings.

It wasn’t because you had nothing to talk about (no there was plenty) it’s just you both preferred things like that, never questioning each other on why the other did certain things (except for the coffee thing that is), how the other felt and other things that most friends would easily divulge in one another

It just kept things simple, and you both preferred that simplicity.

You’re staring. Her voice penetrates the slight trance you were in, a blush settling on your cheeks at being caught.

Coughing lightly to hide your embarrassment, you avert your eyes to look at your hands. I –I wasn’t, you grumble, mind floundering to try and come up with a coherent sentence. I didn’t mean t –Oi! W –what’re you doing? You lean back a bit; face heating up, your lips parted slightly as she leans over the table towards you.

You close your eyes, only to have them snap back open at the feeling of her fingers gently rubbing your forehead. H-hey!

You shouldn’t frown so much. She continues to smooth out the creases in your forehead, moving her fingers down your temple and carefully tucking a stray lock of dark hair behind your ear. She smiles playfully –You’ll get wrinkles –letting her fingers rest against your heated skin a second longer than necessary before removing them.

She slowly retreats back to her side of the table, draining the last of her drink and quietly gets up from the table. You should really try it, she says casually, you might just like it.

Your face scrunches up in distaste. Doubt it, you stare at the mug clasped in between your hands, her melodic laughter reaching your ears as she walks away.

With a small smile on your lips you drain your cup in one quick gulp.

-x-

You were never good at making up excuses.

Your mind would work furiously, trying to come up with a plausible explanation, anything to explain your behaviour or your actions whenever you did something considered ‘wrong.’ And even when you did manage to come up with a half-baked excuse, it would always die at the tip of your tongue, eyes downcast as you try to avoid those accusatory glares.

Perhaps you just prefer not to make them, she would simply say, and prefer to…you know…take responsibility for your actions and such.

Or maybe…I just suck at it, you would say dryly.

You reason that your inability to make up excuses was probably due to some deep rooted traumatic event that happened to you during childhood which involved you standing in front of the class –Can you people just stop staring? –trying to come up with a reason as to why you didn’t finish your assignment.

Um…my dog ate it? Even now that excuse sounds lame to your ears.

So perhaps that’s why, after a few seconds of complete and utter silence your mind works quickly to come up with a good reason as to why you just kissed your friend.

You aren’t sure why it happened, or what exactly led up to it. All you remember is waking up from your afternoon nap, your mind still a bit groggy as you opened your eyes only to find yourself face to face with your friend leaning above you with one hand on your shoulder in an obvious attempt to wake you up. Her face was just inches away from yours, so close that you could feel her warm breath on your lips. Without even realizing it, you tilted your head towards hers, closing the gap separating your lips and pressed yours gently against hers.

It took almost a second for you to realize what was happening, eyes widening in shock as you quickly pulled your lips away from hers. You can feel your blood rushing to your face, and you fight the urge to blush. By the amused look in her eyes and the slight quirk of her eyebrow you know you’ve failed miserably.

I –I, you lick your lips, urging your brain to work faster. Damn it how hard could it be to make something up? I’m sorry; I thought I saw something on your face so I decided to…lick it off? Fuck, what a lame excuse.

Inhaling sharply you try not to let her gaze affect you (she has this uncanny ability to unnerve you with just one look), and say the first excuse that pops into your head –Um…I’m drunk? –only to close your mouth shut as she raises her other eyebrow in surprise.

Face feeling as if it is on fire, you quickly bound up onto your feet –Er…sorry, I have t-to use the bathroom –and all but run to the washroom, not once looking to see her reaction. Quickly closing the door, you lean heavily against it, breathing in deeply to calm your racing heart. Idiot –you bang your head against the door –fucking idiot –another one, this time slightly harder. You repeat the motion a couple more times, trying to vent out all your frustration, that you don’t even notice the door knob turning until the door opens.

You begin to fall backwards, only to have her steady you by wrapping her arms around your waist, your back against her front. Her arms tighten around your waist. You forget to breathe. It’s the initial shock of her breath against your neck that causes you to jump out of her embrace.

Turning around to face her, you swallow nervously as your heart begins to beat faster than before. Didn’t I tell you already that you shouldn’t frown so much? She says teasingly, closing the distance between you. She cups your cheek in the palm of her hand, her palm feeling cool against your skin. She smiles. You’ll get wrinkles.

Without warning she leans in and kisses you, a gentle brushing of the lips at first, which quickly spirals into something more as she wraps an arm around your waist, pulling you close. Regaining some control of your body, you begin to move your lips hesitantly against hers, only to have her quickly pull away, breathing hard against your lips. Her eyes are closed, a slight tinge of colour on her cheeks.

You rest your forehead against hers, your hand tightly clutching the fabric of her shirt sleeve for support. Why –you swallow thickly –why are you doing this?

She opens her eyes slowly, and for a split second you see an affectionate look cross her face which is quickly replaced with her usual look of complete and utter tranquility. Perhaps, she pauses for a second; perhaps I’m a little drunk as well, she says against your lips.

Your face flares up in embarrassment once more (seriously how many times have you blushed today?). That’s a stupid excuse –you try to say, only to be cut off as she kisses you again.

You’re starting to think that maybe its better if you just learn to keep your mouth shut.

-x-

Sometimes you confuse yourself.

You would always do things on impulse, never once thinking about the consequences of your actions or words. Like that one time in kindergarten some boy ran up to you, hugged you and proclaimed his undying love for you, and without thinking you kicked him straight where your mommy told you never to kick boys (quite honestly you never knew someone could drop to the floor that fast). You were in deep shit that day, and when asked why you did it, the only explanation you could come up with was an, I don’t know, I just felt like it?

Oddly enough after that little incident none of the boys in your class tried to talk to you ever again.

Maybe that’s why those words –I love you –spill out of your mouth without you even realizing it (you seriously need to stop being so impulsive.)

She turns around to face you from the end of the bed, clad only in a lacy black bra and jeans, and stares at you inquisitively. Clutching the bed sheets closer to your chest, you look at the rumpled sheets, eyebrows knitted together as you try to express how you feel.

What I mean to say…is that I think –you glance up and notice her lip twitch in amusement –I think that I love you but I o-Oi! –your head shoots up at the sound of her laughter. Why are you…S-stop that! You growl as you glare at her furiously –I-It isn’t funny!

Her shoulders shake with laughter. I’m sorry it’s just…she pauses to wipe the tears from her eyes, you can be so cute sometimes.

You pull the sheets up to your nose, trying to hide your flushed face from her comment (damn that woman and her ability to do so!). Must you tease me all the time? I’m trying to be serious here, you grumble.

She cocks her head to the side, a slow smirk making its way to her lips. Oh…shit. You swallow the growing lump in your throat and retreat backwards as she starts to crawl (more like slink) her way towards you. Your back hits the headboard, her arms on either side of you as she pins you between it and her body. You close your eyes, trying to ignore the feeling of her so close to you. All you can hear is the sound of her breath passing between her lips, her body heat seeping into your skin.

She inhales. You inhale.

Slowly opening your eyes, you find her staring at you with an intense look, a gentle smile on her lips. She leans forwards, and your eyes flicker down to her lips, watching as they get closer and closer. She stops when your lips are only a hairsbreadth away.

She exhales. You exhale.

Red is definitely your colour, she murmurs against your lips. Your eyes widen in shock as she diverts her lips at the last second and presses a sweet kiss to your cheek.

Rolling off of the bed she stands up and arches her back. Mmm…time for coffee, she mumbles to herself as she heads for the door.

Wait, you call out, forgetting for a moment that you’re completely naked under the sheet as you let it fall to your waist.

She pauses at the open door, her back towards you, hand gripping the door jamb.

You lick your lips. I –I really do love you, you say, your words lying heavily between the space separating you two.

For a few agonizing seconds she says nothing, her body stock still and for a moment you wonder if she heard you or not. Her shoulders slump forward.

She exhales.

Your heart stops.

She looks at you from over her shoulder, and for a moment you recognize that affectionate look in her eyes (the same one she gave you last night) and smiles.

Thank you, she says and walks out the door.

Her words ring silently in your ears. You can’t help but clutch the bed sheet in one hand.

-x-

You’re not sure how to classify your relationship anymore.

You’re friends, that much is true. You still have your weird little conversations in the morning; you would be drinking tea in your favourite mug (the one with the adorable cartoon puppy on it. She says it’s cute, you tell her to shut up) while she would still be drinking that disgusting substance from hers. You guys would still do typical things that normal friends do. Like shopping, going out to watch movies and hanging out with other acquaintances (that is if you both weren’t too busy with school work).

Yet…then again there were certain things that you guys did that ‘normal’ friends wouldn't do.

Your relationship was…confusing at best.

You loved her, that much was true, and you’ve told her that many times. She never really did reply and you never wanted to pressure her into telling you how she really felt (a part of you reasons it’s because you’re afraid of knowing).

No…she would never say those three words that you so desperately wanted to hear. Instead she would just smile, that small smile of hers and lovingly stroke the crown of your head. She would always say Thank you, or I like you, or Stay with me…but never the words that you wanted, no…needed to hear her say.

But it was enough. To know that maybe she did care, in her own subtle way. So you never asked, never questioned what it was that was happening between you two, just as long as whatever this was didn’t stop.

Because it was enough.

It was enough…

-x-

Hmm…what’s a seven letter word for suspicious?

You absentmindedly chew the bottom of your pen, eyebrows furrowed in concentration as you stare intently at the crossword laid out before you. Cautious? No…too many letters. How bout doubtful? Damn it…still too many letters.

Taking a sip from your mug, you breathe in deeply, letting the warm drink calm your troubled thoughts (it really is good tea). But it isn’t the crossword that is giving you troubled thoughts (far from it). Setting the cup onto the table; you gaze up towards your friend. She sits across from you like every other morning, chin resting in the palm of her hand with a wistful smile on her lips. Picking up her cup, she takes a sip, a far away look in her eyes.

It’s hard to believe that someone who exudes an aura of calm could cause so much turmoil within you.

She came home late last night again, just like she did for the past few nights. Now of course, you didn’t want to ask, didn’t want to pry into her business because she had every right to do what she wanted, with whoever she wanted to. She was a grown woman and whether you liked it or not, she wasn’t yours (regardless of your current status as being friends with benefits).

But despite that fact, you couldn’t help but feel a little pang in your heart whenever she would come home late, a content look on her face as she would walk right pass you and into her room. She would never say anything, not even when she would crawl into your bed, wrap her arms around you and pull you in close.

Where were you? You tried asking her one night.

She would only nuzzle the back of your neck, inhaling softly, her arms tightening around your waist. Just out with some friends.

With who? You wanted to ask her, the question would linger on the tip of your tongue. But you would never voice it, no…you couldn’t. Cause you were afraid. Afraid of what her answer may be (afraid perhaps she had finally found someone that she cared more for than you).

So you continue living in blissful ignorance, ignoring the feelings of doubt that begin to grow in the back of your mind.

Jealous

You choke on your drink. W-what? You sputter.

She nods towards the crossword puzzle. A seven letter word for suspicious is jealous.

Oh…thanks, you mumble.

She just smiles politely.

A few seconds pass by, the silence in the room is deafening. She reaches to pick up her cup.

What’s his name? You finally ask, your curiosity (and anxiousness) finally getting the better of you.

Her hand pauses, her cup almost up to her lips. She gives you a bemused look, her eyes peering straight into yours. You broke your silent agreement, to not pry into each others lives, but damn it you needed to know. How are you so sure it’s a he? She says slyly.

Your hand clenches into a fist. Just tell me, you grit out. You have no time for her teasing, not right now when it feels like you’re about to snap.

Why are you so keen on knowing? She rests her chin on her palm again, looking at you from the corner of her eye. Are you jealous?

You unclench your fist. Should I be? You whisper, head hanging low.

A rueful smile graces her lips. I don’t know…should you be? She says softly as if saying it more to herself than to you.

You suddenly hear the sound of her chair scraping against the floor, her padded footsteps heading towards the kitchen. A few minutes you hear the sound of the apartment door opening. I’m leaving, hurry up if you don’t want to be late, she calls out.

You choose not to reply, not bothering to even look up when you hear the door close. Reaching out for your pen, you carefully fill out the boxes of the crossword puzzle, writing out each letter with utmost care. Placing the pen on the table top you stare at the word, how the black letters contrast with the white of the newspaper.

She was right, you chuckle bitterly to yourself.

You grasp your mug tightly in your hand, your knuckles going white, as you bring it to your lips. It really is very good tea…

-x-

You’re bored.

Sitting on your couch, feet stretched out and lying on your coffee table in front of you, you stare at the television screen disinterestedly through hooded eyes, flipping through channel after channel of mindless daytime soaps, talk shows and other crap that people pass off as good television these days.

Sighing loudly, you lounge back into the couch, tapping the remote control on your forehead as you stop channel surfing and settle on the local weather network. Hmm…looks like it’s going to rain.

A slight shuffling and footsteps beside you catches your attention (you force yourself not to look away from the television). You can sense her presence beside you, feel her eyes on you for a split second and it takes all your will power to not turn your head and stare back.

Awkward isn’t enough to describe how you feel around her anymore. (Tense…maybe. Apprehensive…always). It’s just there, that underlying feeling of uneasiness settling between you two whenever you’re in the same room together. It’s foreign, strange, and it’s getting to you.

Words are forced, smiles are strained but the kisses and touches are lingering and full of wanting. Because you need her, because you want her, because you love her (you really are pathetic aren’t you). Behind closed doors you’re more than friends, the desire to be closer to her so overwhelming that you lose control of yourself. But outside you’ve become nothing more but strangers, your friendship, relationship, fuck…whatever the hell it is strained to the point where you can barely look at her.

And she acts as if nothing has changed.

Wrapping your arms around yourself, you snuggle deeper into the sweater you’re wearing to try and conserve body heat. Due to someone’s idea to keep the thermostat at a low level in an attempt to save money, your apartment was quite cold today and you couldn’t do anything about it, having to resort to wearing a sweater and socks just to keep warm.

This way, we can use our money for other things, she reasoned casually after getting fed up from your constant whining on how cold it was.

No, you’re just doing this because you’re cheap, you growled angrily.

Fine then, if you want the heat to go up so badly, she smiled wickedly, you’re going to have to stop buying that special tea you love so much.

Safe to say after that little conversation, you stopped complaining about the heating and let her have her way.

Muttering under your breath–Damn its cold –you slowly rise from your seat with every intention of getting a hot drink to warm yourself up. You turn to find her at the entranceway, putting her shoes on.

Where are you going? The question escapes your lips.

She pauses at the sound of your voice for a moment, then resumes her task of putting her shoes on. Going to the library to meet some friends for a quick study session. She stands up and straightens her clothing. Big test coming up, have to study you know.

Oh…I see. Well…take an umbrella with you, it’s supposed to rain. She gives you an amused look. You avert your eyes, shuffling your feet as her stare makes you uncomfortable. Erm…that is unless you want to get wet.

She chuckles lightly. I didn’t think you’d care.

I care! You respond quickly with confidence, head snapping up to meet her gaze head on. The amused look on her face is gone, only to be replaced by one of uncertainty. I –I do…you say softly. Why…why would you think otherwise?

She says nothing, the tension between you two slowly building. You grit your teeth, and turn away, heading towards the kitchen. Fuck…fine…whatever, do what you want.

You stop when you feel her arms wrap around you, her body pressed tightly against your back. She places her chin on your shoulder, nuzzling the side of your neck as her breath tickles the tiny hairs there. I’m sorry. She sighs. I really am grateful…that you care so much.

You place your hands on top of hers with every intention of pulling away. You stop when you feel her press her lips gently to the side of your neck. This is why…I like you so much.

You tremble softly at the sincerity of her words (you’re so weak). She pulls away, and you instantly miss the feeling of warmth that her body provided.

I’ll be back soon. Her smile is beatific. Before you can respond she turns away and leaves, the sound of the door closing echoing throughout the room.

Looking out the window you notice that it’s beginning to rain. Running an unsteady hand through your hair you look back at the entrance and smile weakly.

She took the umbrella after all.

-x-

Perhaps you should’ve stayed home.

You walk down the street with a fast and steady pace, mud and water splattering your jeans as the rain falls on you. Shivering slightly from a gust of wind, you tuck a lock of your sopping wet hair behind your ear, blinking away the rain drops that trickle down your face. You wrap your arms around yourself in a feeble attempt to stay warm, your wet clothes clinging to your body as the cold seeps into your skin.

You can’t believe you’re gallivanting around, in the rain, outside of the comfort of your home, just for some stupid milk. A sigh of relief escapes your lips as you finally reach your destination, the glowing letters of the store a welcoming sight. Rushing into the store, you quickly make your purchase, dreading the long walk home in the pouring rain.

Saying a polite thank you to the cashier, you walk out of the store, shuddering as the first drops of rain make contact with your slightly chilled skin. Clutching the plastic bag, you prepare yourself for the long trek home when suddenly you freeze.

There she is, across the street, umbrella in hand as she stands patiently in front of a restaurant, staring at the ground with a serene look on her face.

Eyes widening in surprise, she suddenly looks up as if she can feel your intense gaze from across the street. Your eyes meet, a look of shock crossing her face (it’s the first time you’ve actually seen it, and it amuses you greatly).

For a couple of seconds you can do nothing but continue staring at her, not feeling the cold rain as it continues to relentlessly beat upon you. Gathering your wits, you take hesitant step forward, your lips parted as you prepare to call out her name.

Someone beats you to it.

Her head turns to the direction that her name was called from, breaking your eye contact. You watch silently as someone runs up to her, pulling her into an embrace, your heart begins to beat wildly in your chest.

They kiss her cheek. You bite your tongue.

Her companion wraps an arm around her waist, and you watch as she is led away. She looks back at you from over her companion’s shoulder, her eyes meeting yours once more, a look of sympathy passing through them. Her eyes are telling you I’m sorry…but for what? For being caught?

Hardening your gaze, this time it is you who breaks the eye contact, mouth going dry as you take in a deep calming breath. A slight twinge of pain passes through your hand as your fingernails bite into your palm. Turning around, you head in the opposite direction towards your apartment, ignoring the water that blurs your vision.

Truthfully…you never thought it would hurt this much.

-x-

She doesn’t come home until around midnight.

You can hear the sound of her keys jingling from the other side of the door, the slight clicking of the lock as she unlocks the door and opens it swiftly. I’m home, she says softly. You sit rigidly on the couch, your slightly damp clothing still sticking to your skin uncomfortably as you fight the urge to say something, anything, to convey how you are feeling right now.

You can hear her taking off her shoes, the creak of the closet door as she opens it to hang up her coat and put away her shoes. You can’t quite remember how you got home exactly, the bag of milk still clutched tightly in your hand as you sat down on your couch, your mind stuck in a deep haze. It never even occurred to you to change your clothes or dry yourself off, a small puddle beginning to form at your feet as the couch cushion beneath you gets wet.

You can hear her make her way towards you, her footsteps barely making any noise against the hardwood floor as she stops in front of you, her feet in your line of vision as you stare down at the floor in contempt. Perhaps you should put the milk away before it gets spoiled? If it does you won’t have anything to use for your morning tea.

You bought milk, she says casually but you refuse to look up, only nodding your head dumbly in confirmation. You see her reach for the bag in your hand, prying your stiff and cold hands fingers off of the plastic bag. Her fingers are warm; you barely feel a thing.

She leaves your field of vision, making her way to the kitchen to put away the milk. You continue to stare at the floor, your hands trembling as you slowly get up from your seat. I’m tired –your voice sounds strange to your ears –I’m going to bed. You can’t deal with this, not right now…not with the image of them still fresh in your mind.

Without waiting for a response you make your way to your bedroom. She grabs onto you before you can reach for the doorknob, her fingers wrapping around your wrist loosely. You rip your arm away from her, but she quickly grabs onto your hand, her fingers intertwining with yours, the warmth from her hand seeps into yours, as she holds you in place.

Don’t. You say hoarsely, your eyes closing on their own accord. Don’t do this right now…just not right now.

Does it bother you? Her question cuts right through you.

You suppress the urge to scream. Why are you asking me this?

Does it? She asks again, her voice firm, yet gentle at the same time.

You manage to untangle your fingers from hers, taking a few steps away to distance yourself away from her. I’m going to bed. You say again, purposely evading her question (because right now you’re running from her, from the truth, because you’re nothing but a fucking coward).

Entering your room, you methodically remove your wet clothing, peeling each layer off and dropping them to the floor not caring if she was watching or not. Not bothering to change into your pyjamas, you quickly slip under the covers of your bed, lying on your side with your back towards her.

You hear the door close, the rustling of clothing and the soft tones of her breathing. The bed dips a little as she gets into it. Your breath hitches in your chest as she pulls you towards her, her arms encircling your waist as your skin makes contact with hers. You try to pull away, but she tightens her grip, resting her forehead on the base of your neck.

You grab onto her hands, which rest lazily on your stomach, your fingernails digging into her skin, as you begin to tremble from your pent up emotions. Her hand rubs your stomach soothingly in an attempt to calm you down; you just grip onto her hands tighter.

It takes a few seconds for you to notice the tears leaking from your eyes, making a wet trail down your cheeks as they land on your pillow.

It takes even longer to notice the wet feeling trailing down your back.

-x-

You try to pretend that everything is normal.

You’re sitting at the dining room table, clutching your favourite mug, drinking the same type of tea that you drank yesterday, and the day before that and every other normal morning you’ve had for as long as you can remember. She sits in front of you, with the same contemplative look in her eyes as she takes a sip from the same mug she uses every day, filled with that disgusting drink that you hate.

You pretend that everything is fine.

That just a few minutes ago you didn’t wake up, alone, in your bed, an aching feeling in your chest as you recall everything that you saw last night. You always knew this was going to happen, you told yourself that you were prepared to face the consequences of your actions; that it was all worth it just to be by her side.

You pretend that everything is fine, when really it’s not.

There’s a smile on her lips, that same goddamn patronizing smile she has that makes you feel so insignificant in her eyes. You grind your teeth in frustration. (You are fine, everything is fine).

Your knuckles turn white. Her eyes meet yours…and you find that you just can’t pretend anymore.

Who is he? The question slips easily from your lips as you stare at her with a determined look in your eyes. Right now you’re breaking your unspoken agreement, to not interfere with each others lives and from the look in her eyes she knows. She knows you’re starting to break and it’s all her fault.

Her eyebrows lift in mock surprise, a teasing smile on her lips. Oh…so now you’re interest –

Just tell me. You’re starting to crack.

So I take it that it really does bother you doesn’t it? She grins, don’t tell me that you really are jeal –

Shut up!

Her smile gets bigger. So you are jealou –

Stop it! Your voice is harsh, hands splayed against the table top as you finally snap. You always do this, always being so vague as you hide how you really feel behind cheap words and fake smiles. Your voice is getting louder, all your pent up anger and frustration getting the better of you. For once stop running away and tell me the truth.

Her smile falters. You catch your breath.

Stop being a coward –your hands curl into fists –and tell me.

She stops smiling, a blank expression on her face as she stares at you intently. Don’t call me a coward. Her voice is sharp, all traces of her usual teasing tone gone. Don’t call me that when you’ve been running away from me as well.

You freeze at her words, your lips pressed tightly into a thin line. I…what’re you…You find yourself at a loss for words.

It’s what you did last night isn’t it? She says casually, I asked you and you ran away.

That’s…That’s because… (you were hurt, you were angry…because you were afraid to know the truth)

You say you love me, but have you ever considered my own feelings?

You feel your resolve beginning to falter. I…I…you’re stuttering.

No…you didn’t, she looks down and smiles sadly, of course you didn’t.

(No…she’s wrong, you cared, damn it you cared.)

Don’t try to pin this all on me. Don’t you dare make me sound like the bad guy when you’re the one who is wrong, you growl, your hands slamming onto the table as you get to your feet, the chair toppling nosily behind you. She does not so much as blink. Why aren’t you saying anything? You say angrily.

What do you want me to say? She’s beginning to lose her patience.

The fucking truth.

Fine…you want to know? She smiles an ugly smile, one that makes you furious and nervous all at once. He’s a classmate of mine, one that I’ve known for quite some time now. Like you he feels for me more than a friend should but unlike you, he made his intentions known sooner rather than later.

You stare at her in disbelief. What’re…what’re you trying to…

He asked me out about a year ago, she continues on as if you haven’t spoken at all, and I said yes. We’ve been seeing each other ever since.

You…you’ve got to be kidding me. You say, stunned. Why…why didn’t you tell me?

She sighs and rests her chin in the palm of her hand. Why didn’t I say anything? Well…quite frankly, you never asked. She pauses and smiles sardonically. Though honestly I don’t see why you’re so angry, seeing as I cheated on him with you.

You’re not sure exactly when you moved in front of her, or when your hand moved out on its own accord, stopping a millimetre away from her cheek. You’re breathing hard, your body trembling in anger.

She stares at you coldly, barely flinching at your sudden movements. Well…are you going to hit me?

You clench your fingers into a fist, forcing yourself to bring it back down to your side. No. You turn your head away, trying hard to control your temper.

She gets up, raising her hand slowly as she brushes your cheek gently with her finger tips; you flinch away from her touch. It’s better if you hate me, she murmurs softly, yes…you should hate me.

She steps around you, her hand brushing yours slightly. She’s running again, she’s running away from you and this time you’re not so sure if you want to stop her. (You’re losing her and you don’t know if you want her back).

What…are we doing?

You hear her stop. You turn your head slowly and stare at her back. What…are we doing? You repeat dully.

She tilts her head in your direction, not looking back but acknowledging the fact that she’s heard you. We… are doing nothing.

She heads towards the closet, pulling out her coat and silently putting it on. You watch in a daze as she puts on her shoes, not once looking in your direction. I’m going out for a while…don’t wait up, she says quietly, her words barely reaching your ears.

She’s leaving you, she’s leaving you now and you’re letting her go. She’s leaving you now and you hate her. You hate her…you hate her for hurting you, for toying with your feelings. You hate her because she’s nothing but a liar and a cheater.

You hate her because despite everything she’s said and done you are still completely in love with her.

Wait, you say as her hand touches the door knob. You swallow the growing lump in the back of your throat. Please. You pause, and close your eyes. Stay.

Her body stiffens. She turns around, a look of controlled bewilderment in her eyes.

Stay here with me, you plead softly. Please.

It takes her a second to cross the room and pull you in her arms, holding you tightly as she buries her face into the crook of your neck. You cling onto her, your hands grasping her shoulders tightly as she cups your face in her hands. She kisses your forehead, her lips lingering there softly for a moment before she slowly pulls away.

She smiles sadly –I’m sorry…I have to go –and steps back from the embrace. With one last caress she retreats away from you, and heads out the door, closing it quietly behind her.

You glance down at the floor, arms hanging limply at your sides as you force yourself to breathe. A bittersweet smile makes its way across your lips.

Coward.

The word echoes in the empty apartment.

You don’t bother wiping the tears from your cheeks.

-x-

Perhaps this is for the best.

Sitting on the couch, you look up from the magazine you are reading and stare intently at her bedroom door. She’s been locked away in her room all morning, only coming out now and then to retrieve something from the living room or kitchen. You have yet to speak to one another, a feeling of uneasiness filling you whenever your eyes would meet.

You’re starting to miss those small teasing smiles she’d give you, or the way her eyes would light up whenever she managed to elicit a bright blush on your cheeks. Now…all that’s left is an underlying feeling of tension and weariness as forced smiles and words pass through your lips.

Flipping the magazine shut, you throw it uncaringly onto the coffee table, making your way towards her bedroom door. Standing only a couple of inches from it, the sound of slight shuffling can be heard from the other side.

Closing your eyes, a sigh escapes your parted lips as you raise your hand, your finger tips running down the rough wooden surface. Why does it have to hurt this much? Placing your palm flat against the wood, you rest your forehead against the hard surface, and breathe in deeply in an attempt to ease the inner turmoil residing within you.

Eyes opening, you lift your hand, hesitating for a split second as you quickly knock on the door. The shuffling stops; you hold your breath.

For a moment you wonder if she heard you, the silence coming from the other side of the door creating a nervous flutter in the pit of your stomach. You consider knocking on her door again but you know…you know that she heard you, that the fact that she didn’t open the door means she doesn’t want to see you.

The slight rattling of the doorknob breaks you from your melancholy thoughts. The door opens slowly; your heart beating wildly in your chest at the sight of your friend. She seems…off. The usual light in her eyes is gone, replaced with a guarded look, her smile strained as if it’s taking all of her strength to just keep it there.

Your gaze instinctively moves from her to her bed, taking in the site of her half packed suitcase, clothes and objects littering the area around it.

Do you…you swallow hard, your mouth suddenly going dry, do you want some help.

A look of surprise crosses her face. You turn your head in the opposite direction, your eyebrows narrowing in a slight frown. That is to say…do you need help?

From the corner of your eyes you notice her eyes softening. No…I am fine.

Are you sure?

She nods her head, a small smile on her lips. Yes…I am sure. She looks over her shoulder to her bed. I am…almost done, but thank you, for offering.

You grunt out a response, jerking your head in a slight nod. She chuckles softly; you whip around to face her. What…what’s so funny? The all too familiar feeling of your cheeks flaring up returns to you.

Nothing, she says, a happy look in her eyes. I’m just happy to see your cute pout again is all

C-cute? You say incredulously, your face getting warmer. I am not cute. You turn away, crossing your arms over your chest.

She laughs again, your lips twitch at the sound of her voice. Ah…I also missed seeing your cute blushes. You most certainly have a great talent in making them.

You can feel your eye brow tick in irritation. Damn it…how is it that she can get under your skin so easily? Giving her a quick glance, you can’t help the small smile making its way to your lips. You missed this, this…comfortable feeling surrounding you two as you bask in each others presence. (God how you missed this).

Her laughter quickly dies down, the reality of the situation making itself known as the built up tension from the past few days bears upon you once again.

I need to finish packing. She looks away, a forlorn expression on her face.

O-okay.

She gives you one last smile, closing the door with a soft click. Closing your eyes and exhaling deeply, you turn around and lean against the door. Somehow…you know that on the other side she’s doing the same thing, an inch of wood the only thing separating you two…a stupid inch. Opening your eyes you stare up at the ceiling, listening to her quiet breathing from the other side.

Are…are we really okay? You whisper softly, more so to yourself than to her.

No…you close your eyes at the sound of her voice, slightly muffled from the door standing between you two, but we will be.

-x-

Change isn’t always good.

At first it takes some time, to adjust that is, to the quiet and stillness of your apartment. Her things are gone – her room void of her clothes, her favourite books, hell there’s a wide gaping hole in your DVD collection. No more fighting over the TV remote, no more early morning teasing or worrying about her suddenly springing up on you while you take a shower, no more constant arguments over the damn thermostat, no more having to hear her whine and complain when you finish all the milk for your tea when she wanted some for her coffee.

But more importantly, yes…the most important thing…no more her.

It takes a while but you’re slowly getting there, getting used to this new routine –having breakfast alone, watching TV alone, doing everything alone.

You contemplated the idea of getting a new roommate, you even typed up the ad and everything, but you just never got around to submitting it. It just lies there on the coffee table, slowly collecting dust as day by day you read then reread the words –a painful reminder that she is gone and never coming back.

Yeah…change…just isn’t that great.

A small tapping on your shoulder breaks you from your quiet musings. Looking up, you give a polite smile to the waitress in front of you. She asks you if you’re ready to order, you shake your head and tell her that you’re quite fine with the drink you clasp in your hand. She gives you a small smile and walks away to her next customer, leaving you alone to your thoughts once more.

Sighing, you rest your chin on the palm of your hand, staring out of the café windows in deep thought. You aren’t sure what exactly compelled you to enter this place; you just remember walking by when suddenly you had the urge to walk in and get something warm to drink.

Drumming your fingers unconsciously on the tabletop, you bring your mug to your lips, watching random people passing by the window. You nearly drop your mug when your eyes land on her.

To anyone else there would have been nothing noteworthy about this person; she was like everyone else out there on the sidewalk. Her stride was full of confidence and a sense of purpose, a look of utter tranquility on her face. To anyone else she was nothing more but a normal person enjoying themselves on this quiet Sunday afternoon…that is to say anyone else except you.

To you she would never be ‘just another person’; she was much more than that.

Your eyes follow her from across the street, only to widen when you realize that she’s heading in your direction. Averting your eyes, you pray to God that she doesn’t see you, looking up you realize your prayer was in vain.

She stares straight at you, a look of surprise on her face, only a couple of metres between you. Without a moment’s hesitation she makes her way to the café. You can only watch helplessly as she makes her way towards you.

She stops in front of you. All you can do is stare.

At first you aren’t sure what to say, the words quickly dying on the tip of your tongue as you try to come up with something articulate to say.

You lick your lips nervously. H-hey.

She smiles. Hi, she says, her voice oh so achingly familiar.

She slides into the chair in front of you, you smile back tentatively. You’re not sure what to say, it’s been far too long, and things are different. She looks the same but she isn’t the same person you once knew. Hell, you’re not the same person that she once knew.

Taking a deep breath you decide to take the initiative, the silence between you two suddenly becoming unbearable. How…how are you?

She shrugs. Not bad. She pauses, how about you? How have you…been? She asks hesitantly.

You clasp your mug in between your hands, staring intently at the liquid within it. I’m doing well.

That’s good to hear. She says softly.

You give her an awkward smile. (God this is torture). Minutes tick by in silence; the only sounds are of those of the other patrons in the café. She stares silently out the window, her hands clasped in front of her on the table top. A slight sparkling on the ring finger of her right hand catches your attention.

So…

Hm? She looks at you, giving you her full attention.

You’re engaged? You wince at the bluntness of your own words. Idiot.

She laughs softly, unclasping her hands and holding her right one up. She runs an absent minded finger along the band of the ring. It would seem so wouldn’t it? She says, her eyes never leaving the ring on her finger.

Your heart skips a beat.

So…are yo –

No. Her voice is firm. No…I am not.

You give her a bemused look. But…then why would you –

He told me to keep it, she says, cutting you off, until I make up my mind.

Oh, you say lamely. You have half a mind to ask her what’s keeping her from saying yes but decide against it. It wouldn’t be a polite thing to say.

You’re wondering why I haven’t given him my answer aren’t you? She says, as if reading your mind.

H-how did you…she gives you a pointed look. Oh…right, of course you’d know, you look down and smile half-heartedly, you always know.

She chuckles lightly. Just call it…a lucky guess, she says. But to answer your question the reason why I haven’t given my answer yet is because there are certain things I need to figure out before I do –she stares at you intently –very important things.

You look away. I…I see. You make a move to bring your mug to your lips, only to stop from the questioning look she’s giving you. W…what? Why’re you looking at me like that?

She looks down at your cup, a wicked grin slowly making its way to her lips. I thought you said you hated that stuff, she says teasingly.

You feel yourself blush slightly. Yeah well…I just wanted to see what all the hype was about.

I never took you as one to fall for peer pressure, she says slyly.

Shut up, you scowl, your face getting redder by the second as she laughs at your expense.

What did I tell you about frowning like that? She says in between giggles.

You frown and look away, stubbornly crossing your arms. I remember okay, stop laughing, you mutter, annoyed.

Her laughter dies down, a happy smile on her face; you can’t help but feel your lips curl faintly at the corners.

Taking a quick glance at her watch, you notice a disappointed look cross her features. Looking up she gives you an apologetic smile. Sorry, but I have to go.

You hide your disappointment with a forced smile. That’s fine.

She pauses for a second, then reaches for her purse, taking out a pen and a notepad. You watch curiously as she quickly scribbles something down, rips the paper out and hands it to you. You hesitantly reach for the paper, her finger tips grazing yours.

Call me, when you have time, she says, getting up from her seat, we really need to catch up.

Yeah, we do, you reply.

She reaches for your hand, giving it a light squeeze. Bye, she lets go of your hand, smiling down at you affectionately as she heads for the entrance of the café.

Bye, you say softly, watching her as she walks out, losing her in the crowd of people. Turning back in your seat, you stare at the piece of paper in your hand, a smile making its way to your lips. Things to think about huh? You say as you fold the paper carefully and put it in your pocket.

Staring down at the cup in your hands, you gently pick it up and take a sip, the warm liquid going down your throat. Placing the mug back down on the table you can’t help the small laugh that makes its way pass your lips.

The coffee leaves a bitter taste in your mouth.

-Epilogue/Prologue thingy-

You are lost.

It’s the only thing that can describe your current situation as you wander aimlessly around the empty halls. Cursing to yourself, you clutch the strap of your backpack tightly in one hand, holding a sheet of paper with your timetable on it with the other.

Damn it to hell, you should’ve asked someone for directions when you had the chance.

Reaching a dead end, you curse loudly and turn around, passing by a set of stairs as you decide to try looking down the other hallway for your ever elusive class. The sound of someone giggling makes you stop dead in your tracks.

Turning your head in the direction of the stairs, you spot a girl sitting near the top of the stairs, leaning against her knees with one elbow as she rests her chin in the palm of her hand. A small smirk is on her lips as she stares at you intently, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

Are you lost? She asks, her melodic voice echoing in the empty staircase.

No, you reply gruffly, accidentally crushing your time table in your hand.

She sighs. Well if you ask me…it looks like you are.

Well no one asked you, you snap in irritation, whipping your head in the opposite direction. Damn it you can’t take this shit right now. Looking at your wrist watch you notice that you’re even more late than you were before. Damn it…why me.

You prepare to jet down the other hall way in hopes of finding your class when you hear a soft sniffle coming from the weird girl on the stairs. Oh…shit. Turning back to face her you notice, in a slight panic, the girl covering her face with her hands. H-how rude. Here I am trying to help out a fellow c–classmate in n–need and I –I g –get yelled at in r –return.

Oh…hell no. O-oi! Stop crying! She removes her hands and you watch in horror as a tear makes its way down her cheek. Shit…ah…stop it! You quickly make your way up the stairs, stopping in front of her and placing a hand on her shoulder. Hey…s-stop crying okay?

B-but you’re mad at me…she says, covering her face with her hands again as her body begins to shake.

Ah –ah no…I’m not mad, you say quickly. Oh god you’re not good at this. See…I’m just frustrated ‘cause I can’t find my stupid class so please…please I beg of you stop crying.

She looks up at you, really?

Um…uh yeah. You rub the back of your neck nervously.

Are you sure?

Yes damn it! You say irritated, I-I mean…yes…I’m not mad at you, you say quickly noticing the tears welling up in her eyes.

Okay, she says calmly, getting up and grabbing your hand in hers, I’ll take you to you class then.

It takes you a second to process what it happening. Eh…what?

I said I’d take you to your class, she repeats with a smile on her face, all traces of her tears gone from her face.

What’re yo- whoa! You stumble forward as she tugs on your hand. You try to remove your hand from her deathlike grip. C –can you please let go of my hand now.

Nope.

Why not?

Because, she turns and gives you a smile, you might get lost again.

Do you even know where you are going?

Nope.

You huff out in irritation. Idiot, you say softly, eliciting a small laugh from her lips. Looking down at your entwined hands, you let yourself be helplessly led away by the strange girl. She squeezes your hand, and without knowing it you squeeze back. A small smile makes it way to your lips. Perhaps this girl isn’t that bad after all…

You know…you really are a cute girl, just like a puppy, she gives you a sly grin, as you feel your face flare up.

Then again…maybe not.

-Fin-