I’ll Be Missing You

Stephanie Bell

Michelle shivered as she walked home from school. The sun was out, though the air was deceptively cold. She didn’t bother to unfold her arms to move the piece of hair which had been stuck to her lip gloss – instead she just sighed and glared for a moment. She was walking at such a rapid pace that her friends couldn’t keep up, but that was her point; she didn’t want to talk to any of them.

Finally Michelle reached her house. She didn’t waste her time digging for her keys because she’d had them in her hand the whole time. She silently walked into the foyer, slamming the heavy red door behind her. She trudged up to her room and plopped down on her flowery bedspread. There she sat, staring at the wall for what seemed like hours, though it was only a matter of twenty or so minutes.

There was a hole in her stomach, and, though she hadn’t eaten in days, hunger was not the cause. She fought back tears as she looked at the pictures on the bulletin board across from her. In the center hung a photo of Michelle and her best friend, Bella. It had been taken the day Bella had arrived home after spending two weeks in Florida. They had gone to the mall and worn exactly the same color scheme – white sweaters, red tank tops, blue jeans and grey jackets – though neither one had noticed until looking at the pictures later.

Michelle played it all over in her mind. She had always found it funny how much she and Bella had disliked each other when they first met through their friend, Candace. Bella had assumed Michelle was not very well-read, and in fact rather ditzy. Conversely, Michelle had seen Bella as pretentious and stuck-up. However, it had turned out that they had a lot more in common than either one had initially thought.

For months they had barely spoken, until they were forced to spend time alone together. The plan had been to go to a movie Saturday night after Michelle had gotten off of work. Candace, Nicole, Melanie and Emily had also been invited, although Melanie couldn’t get a ride, Emily hadn’t been allowed and Nicole had to work a later shift than Michelle. Candace was supposed to come, however, along with Michelle and Bella.

It was about five minutes before the three girls were supposed to meet when Candace called Michelle – who at the time was in the parking lot of the movie theatre. She was no longer able to go to the film with them. Michelle sighed and went inside to wait for Bella; she would have cancelled, but Bella wasn’t picking up her phone. Ten minutes had passed as she stood waiting in the lobby with her mother when Bella finally called to say she’d be late. Michelle explained that Candace would no longer be joining them. There was an awkward pause before they decided that the movie looked good, so they’d see it anyway.

That was when they’d first really hit it off. Due to boredom from looking at a black screen before the movie started, they’d forced themselves to talk, and they realized just how much they had in common. They talked a mile a minute, and the tension almost disappeared – although it never really left. They were still somewhat uncomfortable around one another, but it seemed that night was the turning point. No longer would they avoid speaking and soon discovered that their similarities ranged past just liking the same actors, actresses and television shows. They had both named their future children and squealed every time they saw a cute baby. Both suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and were avid writers of poetry and short stories.

Another major breakthrough in their relationship came a few weeks later, when their large group of friends had planned a movie night/sleepover at Bella’s house for Friday night. One by one people began to drop out, until it was just Bella, Michelle and Melanie. Michelle and Bella went straight to Bella’s house after school, and Melanie would join them at five. However, Melanie called at four-thirty to announce that she had to take care of her younger sister, instead. By this time, however, Michelle and Bella had forgotten all about their discomfort and were hardly quiet for more than a minute at a time. In fact, they stayed awake until past six in the morning talking, after discovering both were fans of a show called Tracker which was not very well-known.

When the school year ended, the girls were closer than either one would have thought possible based on their first impressions. They went out together constantly and spoke using quotes from television shows and books which no one else understood. Michelle had even convinced Bella to read Confessions of a Shopaholic, which Bella had previously passed off as too frivolous to waste her time on. However, for half the summer the girls would not be able to spend any time together; as Bella was going to Iran – where she’d spent the first nine years of her life, and where a large part of her family still lived – and Michelle would be busy with summer school – which she was taking to get ahead in school, not because she failed. Their only communication was one email, which Bella sent halfway through July during one of her only opportunities to use a computer.

They hung out the day that Bella arrived home, however, and made plans for her upcoming birthday. For the next few weeks, despite Michelle still being in school, they hung out rather frequently, at basically every available opportunity. It was no longer at all awkward for them to see each other without the company of others. In fact, they only went out once with another person – Candace – to celebrate Bella’s birthday at the end of July.

In the middle of August, however, just after Michelle finished her class for good, Bella had to go across the country with her family. They made special efforts to see each other the day before she had to leave, even though Michelle had been at her aunt’s house the night before and had to go to work that evening. They still fit in a movie. It wouldn’t be so bad, Michelle had told herself, because despite all of her friends being out of town, she still had her sister’s upcoming wedding and working to keep her busy.

One night, only days after Bella had left, Michelle was really upset. She sent several emails to Bella and the next day, upon receiving them, they spoke on the phone. Bella managed to calm her friend down, though it took a lengthy long-distance phone call. The next day, Michelle’s mom agreed to install text-messaging on Michelle’s new cell phone. It seemed with this new development – the fact that both of them had unlimited text-messaging – that they were never out of communication.

Michelle and Bella were always texting each other; even when Michelle was at her sister’s wedding. Not during the ceremony, of course, but between the ceremony and the reception, and then again during the dance afterward – though she passed it off as shooting a video on her cell phone.

A few days after the wedding, Michelle, her parents, and her friend, Katrina, went on vacation. Although she was warned it was rude, Michelle determined it would be okay to text Bella while she was away, since Katrina was texting her friends, as well. This was the point when they became the best of friends – even more so than before. In fact, Michelle was on vacation when her birthday rolled around. She was sharing a room with Katrina, and her parents were right next door, but it was Bella who was the first to wish her a happy seventeenth birthday. She sent the message right at midnight, despite the fact that the time difference meant it was past two in the morning for Bella. No one else, not even her parents, even remembered her birthday until that evening when Michelle said something to remind them.

When school started, Bella and Michelle were practically inseparable, except when they had different classes to attend. They had one course together, for which their constant blabbering and ranting – because separately, they were bad enough, but together they could bring down anyone in an argument – must have driven their English teacher insane. They continued texting each other just as much as, or possibly more than, when Bella was away.

Michelle was able to confide in Bella the secrets she would never have dreamed of telling anyone ever before. She told her about all of her problems – that she had used to be a cutter, and how serious her O.C.D. had been when she was younger; having driven her to depression. She even told her about one night she’d never forget, where she was nearly raped by a boy she’d know all her life and was still forced to hang out with upon occasion by her family. They knew almost everything about one another – the perfections and the flaws – and yet they were still best friends. That’s probably why Michelle would never understand what Bella had done.

She hadn’t even known anything was wrong. Usually if Bella was upset about something, she would call Michelle, or at least tell her about it the next day, but there was not a word that came out of Bella’s mouth – not a single word of warning. Then, suddenly, Michelle received a phone call from Bella’s parents that she was in the hospital. Of course, she had rushed down to meet them, and that’s when she discovered that they had found Bella unconscious, blood pouring from her wrists. The only note they’d found was a simple: “I’m sorry everyone... I will always love you, Xoxox Bella.” It seemed eerily short for someone known for being as long-winded as she was.

When Michelle had arrived at the hospital, she found Bella half-awake, staring out the window of her dull room. A frown seemed out of place on her normally radiant face. Her dark hair was messy and her make-up was non-existent. She looked sad, but, even more so, angry. She didn’t look like the same person Michelle had seen only one day before. She choked back tears as she approached her best friend’s bed.

“Hey,” she had said quietly as she’d taken a seat. She tried not to stare at the bandages over Bella’s wrists.

“Hi,” Bella had replied, mechanically.

Michelle had then paused for a moment, trying to think of what to say. What could she say? Her best friend had tried to kill herself; this wasn’t exactly a situation that had presented itself often.

“Okay, Bella, hun, I’m going to tell you exactly the same thing you told me when I was all emo one day, kay?” Bella didn’t respond. “If you ever try to kill yourself again, I’ll kill myself, and then my spirit will kick your spirit’s ass!”

“I don’t remember saying that. When did you try to kill yourself?”

“Again with the nit-picking,” Michelle had said sarcastically, trying to lighten the mood. “I altered the quote slightly for this situation.”

“Oh.”

Michelle was silent for another moment. “Sweetie, what’s wrong?”

Bella shrugged.

“Okay, well, obviously something is wrong. Honey, if you don’t tell me, I can’t help.” Michelle’s eyes filled with tears. “I couldn’t stand to lose you. I barely made it through those two weeks when you were just out of town! How do you expect me to go on for a lifetime without you? You’re my best friend! You have so much to live for! Think about it, okay? You have your family, your friends. You’re freaking the smartest person I know!” Michelle paused again. “I love you, Bella...” she trailed off.

Bella hadn’t responded right away. “I let everyone down,” she had finally murmured.

“What?” Michelle scrunched her face. “Sweetie, how could you possibly let anyone down?”

“Never mind. You wouldn’t understand.”

“No, try me. I want to help.”

“I don’t want help.”

“I don’t care if you want it or not. You need it! Please.”

Bella rolled her eyes. “It’s going to sound stupid to you.”

“I won’t laugh, I swear.”

“I just... I couldn’t handle the pressure anymore.”

“Oh, I get it.”

“And then I didn’t get into the school my parents want me to go to. And they were giving me lecture after lecture about how I need to try harder, but I can’t. I’m trying as hard as I can! And it just seems like lately I’ve done nothing right. Not just when it comes to my parents, but I can’t always help my friends with their problems, and I’m so helpless. I just think everyone would be better off without me.”

Michelle sighed. “Sweetheart, we all feel like that sometimes. Just, sometimes it’s worse than others. You remember how many times I’ve felt like my life was pointless, right? You told me never to read Nietzsche.”

“I remember...” Bella had mumbled.

“Please, honey, I’ll pass! Promise me you won’t try to do this again. It’ll all get better.”

“Yeah, fine.”

“Bella?”

“Yeah?” she still sounded disinterested.

“Promise me.”

“Fine. I promise.” She rolled her eyes again.

“Alright,” Michelle had replied, sceptically. “Well I have to go home, but sweetie, remember I love you, okay? It’ll all be okay.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Kay, bye hun,” Michelle had said as she turned to leave the room.

“Michelle?”

“Yeah?” she had answered, turning to face Bella again.

“I love you too.”

Michelle had smiled and turned to leave the room with fresh hope that this was just a one-time thing. Bella had just lost control of herself in a moment; that must be it.

Michelle went back to the hospital the next day, her backpack full of things for Bella. She packed it with photos of celebrities – all the hot boys they’d put on a list once: Jensen Ackles, Tom Welling, David Tennant, and Jared Padelecki. She also brought copies of Bella’s favourite books and CDs for the portable stereo someone had put in her room.

Michelle saw Bella’s parents’ tear-stained faces as she entered the waiting room. Bella’s father had his arm around her mother and both of them were crying. She hesitated a moment before walking up to them. She blinked back tears of her own and slowly approached.

“Hi,” she whispered timidly.

Bella’s parents looked up to acknowledge Michelle’s presence. She could see they were trying to force smiles, but it wasn’t working. It was easy to tell that this had been even more of a surprise to them than it was for her.

Michelle had felt her hope fading with every second of silence. “Is Bella...okay?” she’d asked quietly.

Bella’s mom had sobbed harder and her father had shaken his head. It turned out that at some point in the night, Bella had managed to get a hold of some pills, and had overdosed. Michelle had stood motionless for awhile and then moved down the hallway to where Bella’s room had been. Surely enough, the bed was empty. The sheets had already been replaced and were neatly folded. A new patient would soon take Bella’s place.

Michelle had fallen to the ground and began to bawl. She couldn’t control her tears in any longer. She would never find a friend like Bella again, of that she was sure. As Bella said once, it was likely they were soul mates, even if they weren’t gay. Sure, she had other friends, who were amazing people, but Bella had been like her sister. It wasn’t until she became aware of the chaos around her that it occurred to Michelle that she should move. She was probably in the way of the doctors.

By the time she got back to the waiting room, Bella’s parents had left. Michelle choked on her tears and ran out of the hospital. Thankfully, her mother had been waiting in the cafeteria, so she was able to get a ride home. She was silent for the entire trip, except for occasional gasps of breath. It barely seemed real; like she would wake up and realize her sobbing was pointless because it had all been just one horrible dream.

For hours Michelle had done nothing but cry, until exhaustion finally got the better of her. When she had woken up, everything seemed to set her off. Every realization, that Bella would never again eat a Twix bar, she’d never quote Doctor Who or give another long-winded rant about why The Rule of Four was better than The Da Vinci Code,made the tears come up again.

Every once in awhile, Michelle would look at her cell phone, wishing it would tell her that she’d received a message from Bella, but it only ever read the time. She’d check her email, but the only ones she got were from stores telling her they were having a sale. It felt like she’d died too and was now trapped in a horrible hell where she’d have to live another sixty years without the only person who had ever fully understood her. She was a robot; she didn’t even have the energy to throw anything across the room like she would have in any other situation.

It went on like this for days, until Michelle’s parents decided she’d have to go back to school. She didn’t try to fight them on their position; instead she mechanically applied her make-up and changed her clothing. She went to school with a lump in her throat and a hole in her stomach.

All day her friends tried to cheer her up. They were upset, too, but they all knew how close Bella and Michelle had been. A few were angry that Bella would be so selfish as to commit such an act, while others felt sorry for her. Michelle just missed her. She constantly made references to Doctor Who or Gilmore Girls, which no one understood. With every failed reference, a part of her died. It was one of the most draining days that Michelle had ever encountered. All she wanted to do was be alone; no, all she wanted was to be with Bella, but since she couldn’t do that, being alone was the best alternative she could come up with.

Michelle shivered as she walked home from school. The sun was out, though the air was deceptively cold. She didn’t bother to unfold her arms to move the piece of hair which had been stuck to her lip gloss – instead she just sighed and glared for a moment. She was walking at such a rapid pace that her friends couldn’t keep up, but that was her point; she didn’t want to talk to any of them.

Finally Michelle reached her house. She didn’t waste her time digging for her keys because she’d had them in her hand the whole time. She silently walked into the foyer, slamming the heavy red door behind her. She trudged up to her room and plopped down on her flowery bedspread. There she sat, staring at the wall for what seemed like hours, though it was only a matter of twenty or so minutes.

There was a hole in her stomach, and, though she hadn’t eaten in days, hunger was not the cause. She fought back tears as she looked at the pictures on the bulletin board across from her. In the center hung a photo of Michelle and her best friend, Bella. It had been taken the day Bella had arrived home after spending two weeks in Florida. They had gone to the mall and worn exactly the same color scheme – white sweaters, red tank tops, blue jeans and grey jackets – though neither one had noticed until looking at the pictures later.

Michelle played it all over in her mind. She stared into Bella’s photo and angrily growled.

“How could you do this to me?” she cried. “You promised me! You promised. You said to me, ‘I made my choice a long time ago and I am never going to leave you’! You said it was always and forever! How could you possibly think we’d be better off without you? How could you do this to me? Who’s going to tell me now that I don’t need to buy something? Who am I going to watch nerdy shows with? Whose hair am I going to play with? Who am I going to text random quotes to? Who’s going to save me from my boredom? Who’s going to do all the things you did? I hope it was worth it,” she spat. Michelle buried her face in her hands and wiped away her tears. “You promised Bella...You promised.”

Michelle fell onto her back and dug her face into a pillow she’d grabbed from the head of her bed. She sobbed for awhile before making herself get up.

“I hate that I can’t hate you,” she said to Bella’s photo as she walked out of her room.