Identity

Denying denial

Happy, happy, joy, joy, happy, happy, joy, joy, la la la la lala la la la la lala. I'm singing. I'm humming a silly song over and over again. I'm happy. I'm completely oblivious to their stares and the demand they place upon me with their very silence. Yeah right, and thirty seconds ago I won the lottery, five airplanes and an island in the Mediterranean. Things simply don't work that way. Not in my life. I mean seriously, even if I did by some fluke manage to accomplish the above feat, the lotto would be declared an illegal activity moments before I could claim my prize, the airplanes would crash on their first flight either killing or maiming me and my island would have a volcano on it that would erupt the moment I try to set foot on it burying the entire island which would then proceed to sink into the sea like those hopping islands I've heard about. See, things don't just work that way so even though I am in fact humming and singing this annoying song in my mind, I am not oblivious to the three pairs of eyes watching me in silence waiting for me to tell them the truth.

Ha! Well bugger them. They can wait till hell freezes over and beyond. I can't tell them what I don't know and don't want to know leaving me with this oh so wonderful annoying song in my head. Hey, don't give me that look. At least it gives me something else to try and focus on hopefully tempering the heat of their stares a little. Yeah right, and I'm Cinderella meeting her prince at the ball with my, oh so sexy and oh so comfortable, glass slippers. Who the hell wears glass shoes anyway? The very idea is even less practical than high heels and if ever there was an impractical invention, it would be that. What? I can still be a girl and hate high heels, especially when I think back to how many painful hours I have been forced to spend in those all in the name of beauty. Can I say ouch? Anyway, as I was saying...

"Cass, stop that." I jump, adrenaline coursing through me, mingling with surprise causing me to react instinctively to the sound of his voice. It doesn't mean anything I tell you! It would appear that Keegan dearest is rather distressed and the harsh tone in his voice is enough to catch anyone by surprise. Don't even get me started on his words and the possible meaning behind them. I'm no exception so you can stop trying to read something more into every reaction I give him.

"Stop what?" Confusion colours my tone and it has every right to. In case you haven't noticed I haven't the foggiest idea what he's talking about. All I heard between bumping into Mr Ahern and his lover and now is that damned song that refuses to leave my head so I'm allowed to be confused. Admit it. You're confused as well, so there.

"Drifting off, spacing out and… and… ignoring us." Keegan dearest is floundering, his words stuttered, slow and uncertain. He seems to be out of his depth and the sight is more than a touch unsettling. Since when is Keegan dearest left floundering for words with which to reprimand me? "Hell, I settle for the humming. Please stop shutting us out. Cass, what really happened?"

Humming? He'll settle for the humming? Wait, now that I think about it... I'm humming, literally! Okay, I know I said I'm humming but I wasn't being literal. The humming is supposed to be in my head! It's not supposed to be escaping my lips in an off key tone that reminds one of chalk scraping over a board. The annoying sound dies rather abruptly as realisation registers upon my mind causing me to choke off my voice. Bad, Cass, it's not nice to scare everyone with the, oh so perfectly off tone, sound of your singing attempts.

"Sorry. I didn't realise I was humming out loud." I turn away from his piercing amber gaze and stare out the window at the world passing us by in a blur. Okay, so maybe it wouldn't be such a blur if I could actually focus on the fauna and flora that is passing me by but that's the least of my problems. I may no longer be able to see his amber gaze upon me but I can feel it and to complicate things even further I know it is accompanied by blue and green gazes staring indirectly at me. What?! You think I'm too stupid to know they are using the review mirror to keep an eye on us?

I can feel his sigh, warm breath trickling over me waking Goosebumps upon my skin and in my mind I can picture the resignation upon his face as he speaks. "That's not what I mean, Cassidy, and you know it. It's not the damned humming that's bothering me but the fact that you have the need to hum. It makes no difference whether it's aloud or in your head. It boils down to the same thing. You're keeping yourself in denial and that's not good for you."

Denial? What the hell does Keegan dearest know about denial and whether it's good for me or not? He doesn't know the first thing about what it's like to be me and he has the audacity to tell me I'm in denial and it's not good for me? "What exactly do you expect me to say?" I turn to face him, anger and fear coursing through me. I hate him. I hate him with a passion and want nothing more than for him to leave me the hell alone. Whether I choose to hum or not is none of his bloody business. In case you've forgotten, he's the bloody reason I ran out of that damned shop in the first place. "What do you want me to say? Obviously telling you that I ran out, got lost, panicked, tripped and fell is not good enough for the almighty know it all Keegan! Nooo, you want something more exciting, don't you? What the bloody hell do you want me to do? Break down in tears? Cling to you? Will that be enough of an ego boost for you? How about if I tell you I got raped? Hmm? Not good enough? Still too tame for you? Alright then! I got captured, locked up in a dark room and tortured. Then after getting bored of hearing me scream my captor decided to murder me. So there, that's what happened! They murdered me and disposed of my body, throwing it into the bottom of the ocean for sharks to eat. What you see before you is a figment of your delusional mind cursed by my dying screams to have me haunt you for the rest of your days!"

That was so worth it. The expression on Keegan dearest's face is priceless. His amber gaze is wide and his lips are parted in shock. If I was feeling more up to it and if I haven't already done it, now would be a perfect time to kiss him. Like that’s going to happen again. I’m seriously beginning to doubt my own sanity for the first two times it happened.

“Cass, I… I didn’t mean it like that I…” Damn. It seems Keegan’s silence was short lived. I really should work on that. Can’t have him rambling on and on like this. It’s bad for my reputation. Not that I care about my reputation but let’s stick with this excuse for now.

“What part of I don’t want to talk about it don’t you get?” I snap my tone probably colder than it should be considering the circumstances but frankly I don’t care. I wasn’t sent to an all boys school to find a knight in shining armour. No, I’m supposed to become manly and last I checked men don’t need knights galloping to the rescue. Besides, I was fine on my own before he met me and will continue to be fine on my own. I don’t see why he should suddenly feel responsible for me simply because he now knows me secret. Bah humbug and a half.

Finally! Glee courses through me! I finally shut him up properly only suddenly I feel empty and cheap. I will not feel cheap, damn you! I try to grab hold of the momentary glee that accompanied the sense of victory the moment Keegan’s mouth snapped shut in shock but unfortunately for me it was short lived. Aa whatever. I’m better off miserable anyway. Turning away from him I once again stare blankly out the window enveloped and embraced by an awkward silence of my own making. Oh joy.

The silence seems to last an eternity yet I’m sure it’s not quite that long. It’s probably more like five hundred years, give or take a few centuries, but who’s counting? The moment the car rolls to a halt I’m ready to leap out only I don’t get that far. Go figure. “Cassidy, if I could have a word with you before you go.” Mr Ahern’s voice is soft surprising me, especially seeing as this is the first thing he’s said to me since picking me up at the police station. Come to think of it. That in and of itself is rather strange as adults generally can’t wait to voice their opinion rather vocally at the first possible opportunity. Even more disconcerting it the fact that he’s using my first name so freely, which I’m sure does not bode well for me.

I tense, every muscle on edge amplifying everything around me. Keegan sliding across the seat to exit the car grates on my already oversensitive perception and the click of the door closing behind him may as well have been a gun going off right beside me. Thankfully I’m too stupid to duck.

The silence that follows Keegan’s departure doesn’t last all that long, mere seconds. In fact it lasts only long enough for Mr frosty to place a hand on Mr Ahern’s arm in rather obvious silent support before the silence is once again broken by the sound of my favourite teacher’s voice. Didn’t I tell you? With the way he is now diving into my life, making sure I embarrass myself and generally causing me distress he is on the fast track to number one on my list… my hit list.

“He was worried sick about you.” His voice is so soft that I have to strain to hear it and he’s watching me. What the hell is it with the way Mr Ahern is watching me? It’s more than a touch disconcerting. It feels like he’s looking past all my defenses straight into me and damned if I can’t turn away from his gaze. “He really cares about you, you know. I don’t know what problems you’re facing right now nor do I want to. I know something happened and I know you’re lying to us.” He pauses a moment to glance at his lover before continuing, not even giving me the chance to respond. “It’s your life and your prerogative however there is one thing I want you to know. You’re not the only one you’re hurting. You may believe you’re alone in this world. You may even believe that no one cares but it’s not true and despite the fact that you may wish it were it never will be. By hurting yourself you’re hurting everyone who has been touched by you and that includes more people than you can even begin to imagine. Take my words as you will but please remember they bear thinking about. You’re free to go.”

With that he turns away from me and I’m free, his green gaze no longer upon me, no longer holding me captive as I leap out the car and run towards my room. The realization that I have not even voiced a single sound of protest against his treatment of me barely registers upon my mind because it’s full. My mind has been filled with an image I am unlikely to ever forget: the image of Mr Ahern, clutching his lover’s hand as if his very life depended on it his filled with pain and grief. What have I gotten myself into?

A/N: Okay, I have no idea why but this chapter was really hard to write. I just got back from a holiday that ended up being more stressful than it was supposed to be and instead of having time to unwind have been thrown right into the deep end this side. That includes dance practice till 10pm the very first two days, a car that’s decided it no longer likes the water it has and a two day course. Oh joy. And to make things better I have another course next week… Five days :P. It’s late and I’m off to bed. Will do my best to respond to reviews when I’m more coherent. Love ya all! Thanks for being the brightness in my dreary days.