PREMORTALITY

Narrator walks onto the stage. Curtain is still closed.

NARRATOR: In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth with the help of his twin Sons, Satan and Jesus. He then gathered the hosts of heaven for a “family meeting”.

Curtain opens. God is standing facing the crowed, surrounded by white clad people sitting. God is flanked by Jesus on the right and Satan on the left.

GOD: You all have probably been wondering why I have gathered you all together-

LIZ: Of course we have! Now get on with it!

GOD: rolls eyes There have been rumors flying around saying that I was finally getting rid of Adam and Eve. I will now say that all the rumors are true.

CROWD: LOUD CHEERS

LIZ: About time!

GOD: Quiet! Jesus, Satan, and me-

JESUS: I.

GOD: What?

JESUS: When we figured out the lovely thing you called GRAMMER you taught us the proper terms would be: Jesus, Satan, and I.

LIZ: Do you ever forget ANYTHING?!

JESUS: Shrugs I don’t honestly know.

GOD: Jesus, stop showing off. Anyway WE-Glances at Jesus, as if challenging Jesus to correct him have created numerous worlds, plus some more. We have sent Adam and Eve to live on one called EARTH. Their jobs are to be our test…hmmmm….test….

SATAN: Dummies.

GOD: WHAT?!

SATAN: Test Dummies. You have to admit they’re not the ripest banana in the bunch. That’s why we sent them. They’re our test dummies.

GOD: Whatever. Back to what I was saying. Depending on how Adam and Eve do, will depend on what we do next. If they pass my test, we get rid of them forever.

CROWD: AGAIN LOUD CHEERS

GOD: If they fail, then each of you when it is your turn will go down to Earth to gain some vital experience. When you have finished, you will return.

LIZ: But I though that only the perfect, like me, could return after leaving.

GOD: That’s right. That’s why I have thought hard about this. I have watched all of you, and only three of you had the potential to truly stay perfect: Liz, Satan and Jesus. Knowing Liz, I narrowed it down to either Satan or Jesus.

LIZ: OO OOOOH! This is gonna be good!

GOD: Sooooooo… Jesus, Satan…feel free to fight it out…and let me know the results!

God walks off the stage, chuckling loudly.

JESUS & SATAN: WHAT?!

JEHOVAH: Now, let’s do this like civilized beings-

SATAN: I CALL SAVIOR!

JESUS: WHAT! You can’t just “call savior”! These beings deserve a choice.

SATAN: Yes, I can.

JESUS: No, I think we should cast a vote

CROWD: (Cheers)

SATAN: Ok, all those in favor of having a guaranteed next life-giving me all the glory of course- stand somewhere behind me

About 1/3 move to one side.

JESUS: All in favor of actually LIVING this life stand behind me!

About 1/3 move to other side while the remainders stay in the middle

1/3 LEFT (stands around until someone finally says): Actually, we could care less. No, that was wrong, we would rather have Liz, but since she’s out of the running, we don’t care either way

JESUS: Looks like a tie Liz! You take the official count for us

LIZ: And miss out on all the bloody fun when this comes to blows?! No way!

JESUS & SATAN: What if I make you Angel of Death? HAY! Stop trying to steal my ideas! Do you wanna take this outside!?

LIZ (distractedly) HELL NO! Not while I’m counting!

(Jesus and Satan stand in their little corner and obviously pout in their own way)

Elevator type music plays while Liz zips around “counting”

LIZ: OK, the count is officially, there can be no mistake. Satan has twofinity six hundred sixty six, Jesus has twofinity nine hundred ninety nine. I myself had twofinity one thousand seven hundred seventy seven. Since God took me out of the running, I guess Jehovah wins.

SATAN: Whatever. My people, lets go down to earth and wreak some unholy havoc!

Close curtain