D – Dentists

If you’ve been reading this IN ORDER like you SHOULD BE, then you’ll know that the first word that came up on my lovely Random Word Generator was ‘dentist’, but I couldn’t use it because it didn’t start with an ‘A’. But then, when I got to ‘D’, I had a brainwave (I love that word – brainwave. It’s such a friendly word. It makes me think of micro-pizza. Don’t ask why. Probably the whole brainwave-has-wave-in-it-like-microwave-and-micro-pizza-is-cooked-in-a-microwave thing) and that brainwave (mmm pizza…) was that I could use my original Random Word Generator word NOW. So here goes.

I hate dentists. Well, actually, I have nothing against dentists as such. My dentist’s a lovely man, and causes me far less pain than most small children I know, so I can put up with him. It’s just orthodontists that get at me. Being a geek with braces, I’ve been cursed with the pain and discomfort and metallic taste and awful self-consciousness inflicted by orthodontists (I've started getting a selection of painful blisters on the underside of my tongue, causing me to think I had mouth cancer. Long story there. To put it simply, orthodontists suck.). Do they get pleasure out of this? Or do they simply enjoy guddling about in strangers’ mouths? Where’s the attraction?

Another thing – they speak in code, don’t they? ‘Upper right second…’ What does it MEAN? It’s just to confuse me; I’ve got that far. If they spoke like normal people, they would terrify us less. I guess they like scaring people. It makes them feel powerful. And when they mention a tooth that’s been taken out, they don’t say ‘removed’ or ‘taken out’, they say ‘extracted’. Could they be any more sinister? I suppose they could go ahead and say ‘exterminated’. ‘Upper left second, exterminated…’ it’s got a nice ring to it. Like a dalek (which also starts with a ‘D’. Coincidence? Or is something more sinister at work?). I like daleks. They’re so cute. People always say “Oh, I was so scared of daleks when I was a kid,” and I think ‘what? You were scared of daleks?’ Because they’re not at all scary. Their weapons are a whisk and a kitchen plunger for feck’s sake! You might as well be just as terrified of my granny!

Anyway, moving away from my granny and daleks, and back to dentists, who I like considerably less than both my granny (who I’m very fond of) and daleks (for the reasons explained above. Don’t make me go over it all again. If you didn’t get it the first time, you’re either incredibly dense or reading this has numbed your brain considerably).

Dentists’ hands smell funny. I don’t know if it’s the gloves or the sterile stuff they wash their hands in or some kind of entry requirement to become a dentist in the first place, but regardless of reason, it is indeed a fact. And then they stick their odd-smelling hands in your mouth and they taste funny too, leaving your mouth tasting funny. It’s quite a vicious chain of events, really.

One last thing before I go and harass a further letter of the alphabet (which is ‘E’, if Sesame Street has not failed me). Do we call dentists ‘Dr’? Because I know they’re not actually doctors, but you call all these scientists doctors, and dentists are a lot more doctor-y than most scientists. I call my dentist ‘Mr’, but that counts for very little because I’m not very bright (as you can probably gather from this). If you find out, let me know.